Dan Brooks and Bill Bungeroth

BILL

All right. We’re here tonight to settle a question that has plagued mankind for thousands of years: namely, which is better – New York City or Chicago? And I think the answer is obvious. So, without further ado, ten reasons why Chicago is better than New York City. Number ten. Everybody knows that all people in Chicago like to eat Polish sausage. Everybody knows all people in New York like to eat uh...shit.

DAN

Allright, ten reasons why New York City is better than Chicago. Number 10: This fuckin’ guy. He was from like, I don’t know, Wisconsin, which I know is not the state in which Chicago is fuckin’ in, but it’s pretty close, if you know what I mean. Anyway, this guy, he was always comin’ up to me and saying like, "HeymannnizafoggaChicagoyouknowmannislikaBears" and I was always like, "Hey man, what the fuck? I mean, what the fuck are you talking about." You know? I mean, c’mon.

BILL

All right. Number Nine: That wasn’t a reason. And also Sears tower.

DAN

Okay, that was bullshit but number nine. Everybody in New York –

Enter TERI, holding flowers.

TERI

Dan?

DAN

Um...Okay...Number fuckin’ nine...

TERI

I got you these.

DAN

Um, do you really think that’s appropriate?

TERI

What? You said we were still going to be friends. Friends can give each other flowers, can’t they?

DAN

Yeah, but –

TERI

You still wanna be my friend, right? Oh, hi Bill.

BILL

Hey, Teri, it’s over. Get a clue, all right? All right, number eight –

TERI

Dan, why don’t you love me anymore?

DAN

[Too loudly] Uhhhh....that is really not appropriate behavior, Teri.

TERI

But you said we were going to be friends. Friends interrupt friends’ No Shame pieces and demand to know why you don’t love me anymore.

DAN

Bill, a little help here?

BILL

Yeah sure thing, Danny. Listen, Teri? Dan kind of loves you in the same way you love like, uh...like a dog that’s trying to chew through your leg. And also –

Enter LIA. She is carrying a sweater.

LIA

Bill?

BILL

[Quietly.] No.

DAN

Bill, I need your help, man.

BILL

No!

DAN

Bill, snap out of it!

BILL [turning to LIA]

Hey.

LIA

Hey.

BILL

So, uh, what’cha been up to?

LIA

Nothing much. Missing you. I brought you this sweater.

BILL

Um, why?

LIA

You looked so cold. And lonely.

BILL

[Unintelligible dialogue to the effect of "I didn’t feel lonely – I mean cold, er" etc.] Okay, I’ll wear the sweater.

DAN

Bill!

BILL

Yeah, I’ve been missing y– No, wait! You’re the devil!

TERI

Dan. Dan! Pay attention to me, Dan.

DAN

What do you– What?

TERI holds up Hideous Pants.

TERI

I made you these.

DAN

Um...

TERI

They’re pants.

DAN

Wow. Um...thanks.

TERI

Aren’t you going to put them on?

DAN

I’ll put them on later.

TERI

[Screaming.] Put them on now!

DAN

Okay. Can you turn around?

TERI

Friends don’t have to turn around when their friends are putting on pants. Would you make Bill turn around?

BILL

Actually Teri, I never –

LIA

I got you this, Bill.

BILL

What is it?

LIA

It’s a forget me not. You know, so you don’t forget me.

BILL

I’m not going to forget you.

LIA

Yes you are.

BILL

No I’m not.

LIA

Yes you are.

BILL

Well not if you keep standing there.

LIA

Bill, that really hurt me.

BILL

Dan?

TERI holds up the Terrible Portrait.

TERI

Dan, I also got you this.

DAN

It’s a painting.

TERI

It’s you. See?

TERI holds the portrait up in front of her face.

I’m Dan. I will always love Teri.

DAN

Wait, Bill, I’ve got an idea. Teri, meet Lia. Lia, meet Teri.

LIA

Bill?

TERI

Dan?

TERI & LIA

I think we should double date.

DAN & BILL

No!

DAN

A rope! But where did it come from. [They look up.] Stephen Hawking!

STEPHEN HAWKING

[From catwalk, in robot voice.] Hurry up guys.

DAN begins climbing rope.

DAN

See you in hell, succubus!

BILL

See you in hell, Lia!

LIA

Bill?

BILL

Yeah?

LIA

Hey.

BILL

Hey.

DAN

Bill. C’mon, Bill!

STEPHEN HAWKING

Snap out of it, Bill. If she truly cared about you, she would respect the boundries you had established.

BILL

Stephen Hawking is right. You’re a crazy bitch.