Brett Deckers: Highly Excellent
by Dan Brooks(10/29/99)
as performed by Adam Burton (10/13/06)
I just had lunch with Jack Blitzer. We were talking about the Axe-Pullman account. And we were in a good restaurant, because Im Brett Deckers. In the good restaurant, where we were having a great lunch while we talked about the Axe-Pullman account, there were cloth napkins. When you have lunch with Brett Deckers, and you talk about the Axe-Pullman account, you had better not sit him down in front of a fucking paper napkin. Because if you do, youll be using that paper napkin to wipe your mouth after Brett Deckers makes you suck him off.
I talk about myself in the third person a lot, because Brett Deckers is bigger than you or me. When I say "He" and Im talking about "me", Brett Deckers, I capitalize it, just like Im fucking God in the fucking Bible. I never say "He" if Im not talking about me, because who the fuck is he if hes not Brett Deckers?
When I go to work, I ride in a big black car. Its got a bumper sticker on it that says "Honk if you want to be Brett Deckers," and its soundproof. It has to be because everyone wants to be me, because Brett Deckers is a Highly Excellent Person. When I turn on the TV and I see little starving kids in Somalia with heads the size of bowling balls and bodies the size of cellular phones, they say to me "Hey, Brett Deckers. Dont send me clothes, dont send me penicillin, dont send me fucking rice. Send me a little piece of your skin so I can paste it to my great big fucking forehead and think about how I can be Highly Excellent like you." But I dont do it, because Brett Deckers doesnt cut off his skin for anybody.
When I get to work my secretary, Rod Masters says, "Good morning, Mr. Deckers." He doesnt call me Brett because he knows if he did that hed come all over himself and ruin his business suit. Hes trying to be Highly Excellent just like me, so he doesnt want that to happen. But hed do it if I told him to. If I went in there tomorrow morning and said, "Hey, Rod Masters, why dont you come all over yourself right now," hed do it. It wouldnt matter if he was on the phone or what; hed blow his load right there. Then Id make an intern clean him off, while I had a snack and thought about how Highly Excellent I am.
When Brett Deckers is at work he doesnt do anything for anybody. People call my secretary and ask what they can do for me, and unless theyre as Highly Excellent as Brett Deckers I tell them to fuck off. On my nephews tenth birthday I called him up long distance just to tell him to fuck off, because what can he do for me? At exactly 12:15 every day, after I get tired of people asking what they can do for me, I take a great big shit. And to me its just a big turd, but to you its a sixteen ounce filet mignon. I can talk about things like my own shit and youll still respect me, because thats how Brett Deckers wants it to be.
After work, Brett Deckers goes to big important parties with big important people investment bankers seven feet tall and professional basketball players who carry briefcases full of human hearts. At these parties, when everybody else is talking about big, important things, I talk about work. In the middle of a conversation with the president of the Peace Corps, the CEO of NBC, and the Shah of Fucking Iran, I say, "Hey, shut the fuck up. Lets talk about what you can do for Brett Deckers."
At the end of the party, Gloria Steinem comes up to me and says, "Hey, Brett Deckers. Isnt your entire world just a macho power fantasy that equates business acumen with sexual prowess?" And I say, "No, gorgeous" and we fuck. Brett Deckers doesnt make love, because Brett Deckers has plenty.
And when Brett Deckers fucks, I say words like "cunt" the whole time. Big, dynamic, excellent words like "twat" and "ass" and "wad." You think its romantic because when youre getting fucked by Brett Deckers you think what Brett Deckers wants you to think. And when you get fucked by Brett Deckers, I dont fuck you in the normal hole. I fuck you in a special hole that only Brett Deckers knows about. Its a Highly Excellent hole, that no one else will ever be able to find on you again.
And later, when you are pregnant with Brett Deckers Highly Excellent child, youll try to look back on your life and all you will remember is my day at work. And when you try to think of the time we met, youll only be able to remember having lunch with Jack Blitzer and talking about the Axe-Pullman account. And you wont care about your old life, because when youre Brett Deckers, theres no time to be anyone else.
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