Dan Brooks
1/17/03
The No Shame Theatre Players Present: How To Participate in No Shame Theatre
A Short Instructional Play To Be Presented At No Shame Theatre
JOSH, JESSICA and DAN onstage. KYLE and KAREN off. JOSH paces back and forth stage left, scribbling on a notepad, while JESSICA sits and strokes a gigantic power saw. DAN hides behind something stage right, badly.
JOSH
"And once again we found that the answer is never that simple, that the best choice is never the obvious one, else happiness would be so widespread as to be unremarkable, and not as it is: a perpetual delirium of joy so far beyond the scope of normal daily human life that, once discovered by even one man, it necessitated the invention of its own word, its own concept, its own —
JESSICA guns the power saw.
"The invention of its own word —
JESSICA guns the power saw.
"The inven—
JESSICA guns the power saw.
Is something the matter, honey?
JESSICA
No.
JOSH
Okay.
JOSH sits and resumes scribbling. JESSICA sighs loudly.
Beat.
JESSICA sighs loudly and more plaintively.
Beat.
JESSICA sighs loudly, plaintively, then guns the power saw and sighs over it. JOSH stops scribbling.
JOSH
What’s wrong, dear?
JESSICA
It’s just that feel like I don’t have any way to express myself artistically.
JOSH
Now, that’s just nonsense. What about your quilting class?
JESSICA
I quit.
JOSH
You quit? Well then where have you been going every Thursday night?
JESSICA
I go to the bar and drank spilled whiskey out of the ashtrays and associate with strange men.
JOSH
I see. And what about your sculpture class?
JESSICA
Same thing, only gin. And women.
JOSH
And French?
JESSICA
Mais non! Le trois, l’boudelais soir!
JOSH
Well, that’s a relief.
JESSICA
Oui.
JESSICA guns the saw again.
JOSH
But you still don’t feel artistically fulfilled?
JESSICA nods morosely and runs the saw just enough to move the blade back and forth. This is probably the most dangerous sketch ever.
What are you going to do?
JESSICA
I was thinking about using my new saw to cut off your genitals while you’re asleep.
JOSH
Really? When?
JESSICA
Probably the next time we have sex.
JOSH
Oh.
Beat. JOSH resumes scribbling. He periodically glances nervously at JESSICA, who is giving him a series of progressively more sultry looks. Finally HE stops writing and takes her hand. THEY begin to walk backstage.
JESSICA
Hang on a second.
JESSICA goes and gets the saw. JOSH looks from the saw back to JESSICA, JESSICA to the saw. HE is suspicious. More sultry looks. Beat. THEY go backstage.
DAN enters and speaks to audience.
DAN
Women.
Sound of power saw backstage, followed by JOSH’s inhuman screaming. DAN laughs knowingly.
But seriously, fellows — how many times has this happened to you? You meet a girl, you fall in love, and everything seems great until one day you come home and she’s sitting in the breakfast nook writing poetry. From there it’s a short trip to experimental fiction, and after that — well, God forgive me for saying it, but it’s true — probably plays. That’s right. Your wife wants to make you read a play. Suddenly your house is filled not with the sweet smell of perfume and various marital lubricants, but rather with irritating opinions and yes, even ideas.
JOSH [offstage]
Oh, sweet merciful baby Jesus! Deliver me from the searing pain I am experiencing in the place where my genitals used to be!
DAN
But it doesn’t have to be this way. There’s a place where your wife can present her work to an appreciate audience, and nobody gets his genitals cut off with a power saw. That place is called No Shame Theatre, and anyone’s wife can participate. All she has to do is create a piece of theatre, sketch comedy, music, dance or performance art that’s original, under five minutes and does not damage the space or its occupants, and then bring a script for that piece to me, Dan Brooks, at 10:30 on Friday night.
JOSH and JESSICA, KYLE and KAREN emerge from backstage left and right. Big smiles and hand-holding.
JESSICA
Thanks to No Shame Theatre, I’ve got a place where I can perfect my art every week. I’ve got more self-esteem, I’ve stopped mutilating my husband while he’s asleep, and I’ve even stopped getting my period!
KAREN
I just come to watch!
DAN
And that’s okay, too.
JESSICA and KAREN stand next to DAN and put their arms around his shoulders.
JOSH
And with the ladies away doing their little skits, we’ve got more time to watch the big game!
KYLE
All right! Thanks, No Shame Theatre!
KYLE and JOSH high five each other, then walk out into the audience.
DAN
Hey, guys: Thank you. No Shame Theatre: Bring the wife. I’ll take care of her.
Beat. DAN glances briefly at JESSICA and KAREN.
BLACKOUT.
"How To Participate in No Shame Theatre" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"The No Shame Theatre Players Present: How To Participate in No Shame Theatre; A Short Instructional Play To Be Presented At No Shame Theatre" debuted January 17, 2003, performed by Dan Brooks, Jessica Putnam, Josh Peskay, Kyle Lange, Karen Wolkerstorfer.
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