The Vase
copyright © 1990
Performed by Margaret DuBé and Jennifer Shepard M: The best analogy I ever heard for virginity was told to me by my friend Kirsten.
She told me she viewed her virginity as a very large vase of great worth. Except it had no value to
her. It only meant something to all the people around her who were pricing it: her family, her
religion, her prospective lovers. All she knew was that it was this huge, heavy thing that she had
to carry with her everywhere she went, and she couldn't wait to smash the damn thing into a
million pieces.
I. (Lights up. In the back of
the playing area is a pedestal. M. stands front stage. J. stands next to the
pedestal.)
(M. turns and looks at J., who mimes picking a vase up off the pedestal
and throwing it to the ground. They trade places.)
II. (During this section, M. mimes polishing and showing off the vase.)
J: I AM A VIRGIN! I HAVE A CARD! AND A BADGE! I AM A
CARDCARRYING VIRGIN!
I've been to the war and back, baby, and I returned intact. Do any of YOU have cards? Do any of
YOU have badges? I DIDN'T THINK SO.
(On. J.'s last sentence, M. crosses to her.)
M: That's so beautiful.
(J. moves back to the pedestal.)
III. (During this section, J. mimes hiding the vase in embarrassment.)
M: I am a virgin. I have a card and a badge. I am a cardcarrying virgin. Oh, my god, what's wrong with me? My best friend slept with thirty two people. In one year. She has a typed list of all their names, dates, and relevant statistics. If her experience were measured in miles, it would start in California and end somewhere in Europe. Probably not as far as Moscow, but at least to Paris. I lie to people and tell them I'm not a virgin. Because it's so horrible if they find out you are one, they walk up and say:
(During M's last sentence, J. crosses to her.)
J: That's so beautiful.
(M. moves back to the pedestal.)
IV. (During this section, M. mimes several unsuccessful attempts to break the vase.)
J: There is an extremely small percentage of women who have very strong hymens. They can't have sex without an operation. That's me. I am the owner of a dura-strength hymen. And I can't afford to go to the doctor. And even if I could, I'm too embarrassed. Do you know what that's like? I can't have sex even if I want to. And I really want to. Believe me, I've tried. I mean, how do you explain that to someone? What could you possibly say? I've been stressing out about it more and more. Then I went to that party.
(On J.'s last sentence, M. crosses to her.)
M: Hey there. How are you?
J: MY HYMEN IS THICK AS A BRICK AND YOUR DICK WILL CRACK IN TWO IF YOU STICK IT IN THERE!
M: You're a virgin?
J: Yeah. No shit.
M: That's so beautiful.
(They both scream and run to the pedestal.)
V. (During this section, they both look out at the audience. J. speaks expressionlessly.)
M: I'm a virgin.
J: That's so beautiful.
M: Fine. I'm not a virgin. I've slept with lots of people. I just don't want to sleep with you.
J: Slut.
M: Fine. I'm a virgin.
J: That's so beautiful.
(M. turns and looks at J.)
M: Why?
VI. (During this section, M. and J. mime breaking the vase in different ways.)
J: I lost it when I was 15, in my boyfriend's car.
(M. steps on vase.)
M: I lost it when I was 22, on my wedding night.
(J. tosses vase over shoulder, like a bouquet.)
J: I lost it when I was 17, in a coatroom, in the middle of a crowded party.
(M. looks both ways, then surreptitiously knocks vase over.)
M: I lost it to a friend when I was 26. Pity fuck.
(J. dropkicks vase.)
(J. steps forward with one hand raised, as if in court.)
J: My name is Karen Smith. I am 19 years old, 5'5", 110 pounds, and like old movies and tennis. I happen to be a virgin. I consider that irrelevant.
M: That's so beautiful.
J: Fuck you.
VII. (J. and M. stand on either side of the pedestal.)
J: In the forties, everyone had a vase on display.
M: (pointing to vase) MY VASE!
J: In the fifties, a lot of people didn't have vases.
(J. mimes looking for vase.)
M: But we don't like to talk about that.
J: In the sixties, there was a vasebreaking rampage.
M: (mimes putting a lighter to the vase) I burned my vase.
J: Burn, baby, burn!
M: In the seventies, vases were nearly extinct.
(M. mimes discoing into the vase.)
J: You never saw them.
M: In the eighties, vases were rare but prestigious: a sign of stability.
J: (clutching imaginary vase) I've got a vase. You got a vase?
M: In the nineties?
J: Who knows. I have a vase.
M: I don't.
J: If we hadn't told you, would it have made a difference?
"The Vase"
IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED,
PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
Performed by Margaret DuBé and Jennifer Shepard
Performed by Margaret DuBé and Jennifer Shepard
Performed by Jane Jones and J. D. Ruelle
Performed by Caroline O'Conner and Amy Jordan.
Performed by Caroline O'Conner and Meghan Sullivan
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