Julio
by Scott Smith
copyright © 1991
Performed by Cheryl Graeff and Megan Gogerty
EVE
This is my daughter Denise's room in my three story French provincial home! Beautiful, isn't it?
We redid the wall paper in here last year. Lily of the valley pattern, from Laura Ashely. Very
tasteful. I just love cleaning this room. I have to laugh when I hear about how some wives and
mothers resent housework! Ha! The truth of the matter is they don't have the kind of home I do!
I mean really, I have everything a mother could hope for. My husband Porter is faithful and hard
working and my two children Denise and April are perfectly behaved. Of course, April is a cow,
but you can't have everything. As I say, this is Denise's room we're in. Now, this girl is thirteen
years old and look, spotless! I barely have to do anything in here. Maybe a little dusting.
NARRATOR
Suddenly Eve notices a little pink book lying on her daughter's perfectly neat makeup
counter.
EVE
Oh, look at his. Oh, this is so cute! Denise has started to keep a diary! I ask you is that cute? I
bet she just writes the cutest things in here. I'm really tempted. I shouldn't. I bet it's just soooo
cute. Well, I think I'm just going to take a little peek. Just an eensy one. Lets' see "Diary of Denise
Salotsky. Private. Keep out, this means you! Isn't that cute! "Painful death to all who read
further." This is fun! Let's see, "November the 29th: Dear Diary, Julio is just the most amazing
man in the universe. "Julio? Who's Julio? "Dear Diary"
DENISE
Julio's just the most amazing man in the universe He's so funny.
Remember last week I told you about those pictures he took of me? Well, we're supposed to be
getting them back tomorrow and this is the funny thing, he said,
EVE
"I can't wait to see how those pictures I took of you turn out. I'm really afraid they'll come out
over exposed. Ha, ha, ha." What is this? I don't understand. WHO THE HELL IS JULIO?! Let's
look at another entry.
December 5th. That's the day I sent her to see Mary Poppins. Good. wholesome, Disney
entertainment!
DENISE
Dear Diary, today was a red letter day! I had the big O during Chim Chimeny Chim Chimeny
Chim Chim Cheroo!
EVE
WHAT!
DENISE
Julio's amazing! His hands are magic! They turn me into a real woman! I haven't known what it
was to be truly alive 'til today! God, I hope things go well at his probation hearing!
EVE
WHAT?!
DENISE
Then Julio and I can go for a drive and explore further our mutual passion!
EVE
(Slamming the diary shut.) Oh my God! My daughter is having mutual passion with someone
named Julio! I can't read anymore! I must! "December14th--"
DENISE
I'M IN LOVE WITH JULIO
AND HE'S IN LOVE WITH ME
WE GO RIDING ON HIS MOTORCYLCE
LIKE A BAT THAT GRABBED A BULLET
COMING OUT OF HELL
HE'S MY LEATHER JACKET ROMEO
EVE
JULIO HE LOVES ME
HE' S ALWAYS CALLING ME
LITTLE DARLIN' AND MY SWEET POTATO
AND A LITTLE SLICE OF HEAVEN HERE UPON THE EARTH
BUT JUST MOSTLY MONKEY LOVE GIRL
DENISE
YEAH!
BOTH
I'M IN LOVE WITH JULIO
I'M REALLY GLAD WE'RE DATIN'
HIS TATTOO IS A PENTAGRAM
BECAUSE HE WORSHIPS SATAN
DATIN'
SATAN
DATIN'
JULIO
DENISE
GOING TO THE MOVES
WITH JULIO IS FUN
WE SAW BLOODBATH
AND THE PSYCHO KILLER
BUT MY FAVORITE ONE
WAS I SPIT ON YOUR BLOODY GRAVE
I LIKE THAT ONE IT WAS SUPER COOL
EVE
JULIO'S SO FUNNY HE NEARLY MADE ME PEE
AT THE MOVES HE JUST STOOD UP
AND HE WENT AND SHOUTED
BUT LIKE REALLY SUPER DUPER LOUD
CATCH THE HOOTERS ON THAT POPPINS BABE
BOTH
I'M IN LOVE WITH JULIO
WE'RE ALWAYS PLAYING TWISTER
JULIO KEEPS TELLING ME I'M BETTER THAN HIS SISTER
AT TWISTER
SISTER
TWISTER
JULIO
EVE
SHE'S IN LOVE AND SHE'S IN LOVE AND SHE'S IN LOVE WITH JULIO
OH MY GOD AND OH MY GOD AND OH MY GOD OH NO
DENISE
CHIM CHIMENY CHIM CHIMENY CHIM CHIM CHEROO
GOOD LUCK WILL RUB OFF WHEN I SHAKE HANDS WITH YOU!
DENISE
JULIO' S A SWEETHEART HE NEARLY MADE ME CRY
YESTERDAY HE GOT ROMANTIC
AND HE CARVED OUR NAMES OUT
IN A HEART AROUND ABOUT THIS SIZE
THE HOOD OF A MERCEDES BENZ
BOTH
I GET SUPER JEALOUS OF HIS OTHER GIRLS
BUT EVEN SO
JULIO SAYS DON'T YOU WORRY CUZ YOU IS MY MAIN HO
EVE
Main ho? OH NO!
DENISE
MAIN HO!
EVE
OH NO!
BOTH
JULIO
DENISE
I'M IN LOVE WITH JULIO
SO WHAT HE'S FORTY THREE
I STILL LOVE HIM AS MY LOVER
I'VE NO OTHER
GOD I'M STAPLED TO HIS VERY SOUL
SO I'VE THROWN AWAY MY BIRTH CONTROL
EVE
Oh my God!
DENISE
CHIM CHIMENY CHIM CHIM CHEROO!
- 1990-91 - No Shame Iowa City
- October 11, 1996 - Best of the Best of No Shame (Iowa City)
Performed by Cheryl Graeff & Megan Gogerty with Scott Smith [piano]
- October 14, 2006 - 20th Anniversary Best of the Best of No Shame (Iowa City)
Performed by Inger Hatlen & Megan Gogerty with Scott Smith & (?) [piano]
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