Cave Walruses
(Five actors standing in a line across the stage, facing the backwall. They face the audience to say their lines, but do not leave their place in line. They collapse in place when trampled, etc. They have scripts in their hands.)
(the narrator shouts his/her lines from the back of the house)
Narrator
Enter Mogo.
Mogo
Imagine if you will, that I am Mogo, an Australian cave walrus. Imagine also that I am eighteen
feet long with transparent skin and glowing red eyes.
Ah, life! Ah, just to be a walrus! Ah, the joy! To be a walrus in a cave! And to be in
Australia! Ah, the simple life of an Australian cave walrus!
Darling, what's for breakfast?
Ah, my mate, Gomo, must be out foraging cave worms for my breakfast.
Narrator
Enter Charlie.
Charlie
Imagine if you will, that I am Charlie, an American explorer and biochemist. Imagine also that I
am five foot two, dressed in black and that I am wearing one of those helmet lamps that coal
miners use.
Drat! I've been spelunking for hours and still no sign of the Australian cave walrus I need
for my research.
Wait a minute. What's that?
Narrator
Enter Gomo.
Gomo
Imagine if you will, that I am Mogo's mate, Gomo, an Australian cave walrus. (We Australian
cave walruses mate for life, just like humans.) Imagine also that I am foraging for cave
worms.
Ah, life! Ah, just to be a walrus! Ah, to be foraging for cave worms in Australia. (We cave
walruses are by nature a blissful race.) Oh, look, a cave worm!
Charlie
An Australian cave walrus! I'll shine my helmet lamp in its eyes to paralyze it.
Gomo
Argh! Oncoming headlights, the bane of the animal kingdom! I am paralyzed!
Charlie
At last, I have the Australian cave walrus I need for my research.
Gomo
Oh, please, sir, what do you want from me?
Charlie
I need your blood. The blood of an Australian cave walrus is the final ingredient for my
invisibility formula.
Gomo
Please, sir, consider my feelings, and think of my mate, Mogo. We Australian cave walruses
mate for life, just like humans.
Charlie
I cannot retard the advance of science in consideration for a mere animal. Bang! Bang!
Bang! Bang! Bang!
Give me your blood, you corpse. Now I will perfect the invisibility formula.
Narrator
Enter Karius.
Karius
Imagine if you will, that I am Karius, a courier, on my way from Athens to Sparta with an
important message for the Emperor. Imagine also that I am wearing a toga and I am riding a
horse because it is too far to walk.
Stand aside! Stand aside! I have an important message for the Emperor. Stand aside!
Stand aside!
Narrator
Enter Charlie.
Charlie
Imagine if you will, that I am Charlie, an American explorer and biochemist. Imagine also that I
am invisible.
Eureka! My invisibility formula is a success. Now I will be given millions of dollars in
research grants.
Karius
Stand aside! Stand aside! Trample! Trample!
Charlie
Argh!
Karius
What was that?
Charlie
You nearly trampled me to death with that stupid horse. Why don't you watch where you're
going?
Karius
Who is that? Are you invisible?
Charlie
Yes, I am invisible. Please show some consideration in the future.
Karius
I cannot delay this important message to the Emperor for the sake of an invisible scientist.
What are you doing on the road between Athens and Sparta, anyway?
Narrator
Enter Speedball.
Speedball
Imagine if you will, that I am Randy "Speedball" Thompson, a truckdriver. Imagine also that I am
6'1" and travelling at speeds in excess of ninety miles an hour in my bright red semi-truck.
Zoooom! On the road again! Just can't wait to get on the road again! Where's my caffeine
tablets? I'm driving my life away, just looking for a sunny day! Where did I put those caffeine
tablets? Oh, no! This morning's coffee just hit my bladder. Time to piss out the window again.
Zoooom! Thump!
Karius
Argh!
Speedball
Oops, I think I hit a deer.
Charlie
Hey, you pissed on me!
Speedball
Sorry 'bout that. On the road again!
Charlie
Hey!
Karius
You killed my horse!
Charlie
Why don't you watch where you're going?
Speedball
What the--? Is there someone invisible here?
Charlie
Yeah, me. I'm Charlie, an American explorer and biochemist.
Karius
You killed my horse. Now I will never get to the Emperor in time.
Charlie
Why don't you show some consideration for someone besides yourself?
Speedball
Hey, I gotta license and a very large truck that says I don't have to watch out for no invisible
dink scientist and his horse.
Karius
It's my horse.
Speedball
Was your horse.
Narrator
Enter Zeus.
Zeus
Imagine if you will, that I am Zeus, master of thunder, king of the skies, ruler of the Greek gods.
Imagine also that I am eight feet tall, barrel-chested, and with arms like steel girders. My voice is
like a sonic boom.
Ah, life! Ah, to be a Greek god! Aah, this is boring. I think I'll hurl lightningbolts at the
Earth. Boom! Boom! Boom!
Speedball
Argh!
Karius
Argh!
Charlie
Argh! Hey, we got rights!
Karius
Show some consideration!
Speedball
Yeah!
Zeus
Fuck off, I'm a god.
Cast: Sheela Kangal, Brad Schnurr, Julie Crossen, Cheryl Snodgrass, Michael K. Wells
Cast: Sheela Kangal, Rob Hansen, Julie Crossen, Cheryl Snodgrass, Mike Wells
Cast: Sheela Kangal, Brad Schnurr, Erin Quinn Purcell, Cheryl Snodgrass, Mike Wells
Cast: Amy Lynn Pigott, Doug Steckel, Inger Hatlen, Cheryl Snodgrass, and Dan Gurler
Cast: Knighty, Kristine Bottone, John Lovick, Jad Mager, and Mike Rothshild.
Directed by John Lovick.
Cast: Nic de Armendi, Cadry Nelson, Bradford Schultze, Knighty, Hallie Gordon, Mike Rothschild, Jeff Goode.
Cast: Trey Ruff, Steve Nguyen, Kalinka Pajvanska, (?), Ramy Shoukry, Peter Scherer.
Cast: Todd Ristau,Vicki Holt, John Brill, Elliot (?), Dwayne Yancey, Mike Allen and Daryn Warner
Cast: Laura Nicole, Rob White, Chloe Lake, Courtney DeCosky, Mike Rothschild, Dale Gregory [voice].
Cast: JR Esposito, Clayton Severson, Emma Sperka, Tony Franchitto, Richard Nathan, Susanna Young [voice].
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