by John Smick
copyright © 1990

Performed by John Smick

Fruitcake is a cat.
She's a very nervous cat.
She has been "fixed".
She hides under the bed most of the time.
On the rare occasion that she is affectionate--
she slobbers and purrs loudly.
Cat slobber is, for the most part, disgusting.
People think she slobbers accidentally.
Most people haven't been "fixed".
Fruitcake often drinks out of the toilet.
She's as hairy as a yearling calf.
Her favorite band is "The Beatles."

Megan owns Fruitcake-the-nervous-cat.
Megan often turns on the can-opener to coax Fruitcake out from under the bed. Fruitcake slobbers, thinking there will be food. Megan says "gotcha!"
and grabs Fruitcake.
Megan's been grumpy lately cause she forgot where she put her toothbrush.
Her left eye is sore from last night's poker game.
Megan is working on her PhD in Clinical Psychology.
She's paid money to talk to crazy people.
Megan has reduced all of Fruitcake's nervous habits to baser animal categories.
She psychoanalyzes her family members.
Although approaching 29, Megan still sleeps with a teddy bear.
Steve is Megan's husband. Steve is crazy, but Megan thinks he fakes it for attention.
He's as hairy as a yearling calf.
He wears a Cardinal's baseball cap even though the Cardinals have blown The Series several times.
The bill of the cap is dirty where Steve fiddles with it. He hides the cap in his armpit whenever he goes to the store.
Steve takes a shower every working morning between 6:25 and 6:35.
The drain is usually clogged with hair when he is done.
He sees no connection between his cap and his growing baldspot.
Steve knocked Megan's toothbrush into the toilet after his shower. He threw in the garbage.
Chris is the son of Megan and Steve.
He is in the Air Force R.O.T.C. Club at High School.
Megan thinks he enjoys it so much because he was potty trained late in life.
In the Air Force ROTC they teach that cat slobber is a basic building block of the universe.
Chris wants to fly in the Space Shuttle.
Chris thinks the Cardinals suck, although he would never say so.
He found a tooth brush in the bathroom garbage.
He thought he knocked it in there when he was cleaning hair out of the shower drain. He saves the hair in big clumps in his closet, just in case.
Chris laid the tooth brush back on the sink. (don't fidget!)

Kari is Chris's sister.
This was not her idea.
Megan thinks Kari dislikes her brother because she wasn't breast fed.
Given a choice beween being copilot of the Space Shuttle or playing cards,
Kari would choose cards.
Some day she will be a famous gambler. She thinks "poker face" means jabbing Megan in the eye.
Kari will fill her mouth with food till it overflows. This makes Kari slobber, which some people find disgusting.
Steve threatens "I'll fix you!" so Kari swallows.
People think she slobbers accidentally.
Most people haven't been "fixed".
Kari enjoys playing with Fruitcake-the-nervous-cat.
Kari is one of the few people that appreciates the cobwebs under the bed.
Kari does some of her best thinking on the toilet.

Kari asked Fruitcake if she liked being "fixed". Fruitcake answered
Steve asked Fruitcake to read him the sports page. She answered "Meow".
Chris asked Fruitcake to do his science project. She answered "Meow."
Megan asked Fruitcake to sin Why Don't We D-Do It In The Road while she washed the dishes. Fruitcake answered, "I don't take requests."
Now Megan has a topic for her dissertation.

One day there was a lightenin' storm.
The TV news said that there was a possibility of tornadoes in the area.
Suddenly the newsman was sucked into a hole that appeared in the wall behind him.
The screen went static and then blank.
Then the electricity went off.
There was screaming and general mayhem.
Megan, Steve, Chris, Kari and Fruitcake-the-nervous-cat were all very scared.

Steve decided they should go to the basement.
Chris pointed out that their house had no basement.
Megan said they should open the windows to "equalize pressure."
Kari said they should hide under the bed with Fuitcake-the-nervous-cat.
There was only enough room for Megan, Steve, Chris, and Kari under the bed.
Fruitcake, Megan said, would have to go somewhere else.

Chris said, "This is the perfect night for my science project."
Chris ran to his room and gathered the giant ball of hair that he collected each morning.
Steve thought he recognized the hair and wanted it back.
Chris said, "No way."
He grabbed Kari's playing cards, Megan's teddy bear,
Fruitcake-the-nervous-cat and the can opener and ran out into the front yard.
The tornado was close by.
Chris turned on the can opener and Fruitcake began to slobber. She thought Chris was going to feed her.
Chris let the giant wad of hair soak in the puddle of slobber and then threw it, the deck of cards, and the teddybear at the tornado.
While the tornado was busy shuffling and dealing five card stud to the teddybear, the wad of hair turned into a humungous hairball that tied the tornado up like a yearling calf. The tornado was no more.

Chris yelled "It worked!"
Kari yelled "Deal me in!"
Steve yelled "Cat slobber is a basic building block of the universe! "
Megan yelled "My toothbrush tastes like shit!"
Fruitcake got no credit because she was just a dumb animal that drank out of the toilet.

  • February 2, 1990 - No Shame Iowa City
  • October 11, 1996 - Best of the Best of No Shame (Iowa City)
    Performed by John Smick.
  • June 2, 2005 - National Best of No Shame at Piccolo Spoleto (Charleston)
    Performed by Clinton Johnston

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