- February 13, 2004 - No Shame Iowa City
Randy Noojin’s House of Fun and Whimsy
or
Get Off the Cross, the Wood is Needed
by
Cool Jesse & Valjenna
Lights up. Jethro and Honey B. Good are
standing center stage.
Jethro & Honey B. Good
Whispering. Huevos. Huevos. Huevos. Huevos.
Jethro
Come my good man, follow me, and we shall sally forth.
Honey B. Good
Huh?
Jethro
My good sir, we are going to go on a walk.
Jethro begins marching in a big circle in the
middle of the stage and Honey B. Good
follows.
Jethro
Laughing very sprightly. Isn’t this the most fun you’ve ever had? Isn’t this just too delightful?
Honey B. Good
Mmmmmm. Yes, delicious.
Jethro
We’re going on a walk, Honey!
Honey B. Good
Yes, Jethro, a walk through he park for us today. Laughs very sprightly.
They both continue marching in an exaggerated fashion and laughing very deliciously.
Honey B. Good
We’re on an island!
Jethro
A desert island!
Jean Claude Van Damme enters from stage right.
Jean Claude Van Damme
Man, that Mary Poppins, she gets my goat.
Random Guy #2 walks across the stage from
stage left to stage right.
Jean Claude Van Damme
Hi, I’m Jean Claude Van Damme. And I’m here to tell you about love. Love makes you think horny. I make you think horny. I do you like it is because I can.
Colonel Sanders stands up in audience.
Colonel Sanders
Yelling. Word, bitch! Ain’t no thang but a chicken wing.
Colonel Sanders sits back down.
Jean Claude Van Damme
If you pee on it, of course it’s gonna burn. Steven Seagal couldn’t act his way out of a wet paper bag. Who’s the king of everything muscular? Yeah, you’re right it’s Arnold, but who could’ve been the king if he hadn’t been to busy sleeping with your wife when the election came? That’s right! ME! I’m so awesome. Awesome like no other. I come from Belgium just like the Smurfs. You love Smurfs, right? So you love me! Flexing. Yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhh!
Jethro
Honey, I do believe that that chap over there just called your mum a raging cuntwart.
Honey B. Good
Wha?! Well, this will not stand, I will certainly put an end to this mischief.
Jethro
I say, you must do something. You simply must. I wouldn’t resort to violence though, that fellow looks a might brutish.
Honey B. Good marches over to Jean
Claude Van Damme and slaps him. Jethro continues his march.
Honey B. Good
My good sir, I can’t have you talking about my mother that way. I simply can’t.
Jean Claude Van Damme
I eat babies.
Honey B. Good
Appalled. Good sir! Mind your tongue, there are civilized people living here.
Jean Claude Van Damme
What are you supposed to be? Are you supposed to be some kind of queer?
Honey B. Good
Appalled some more. You leave me no choice but to challenge you to a duel. I shall defend your attacks against my honor.
Jean Claude Van Damme
I think you might not only be a queer, but you might also be a faggot. Yeah, I think you are. You are such a queer faggot.
Lights down and then back up. Jean Claude
Van Damme lies face down on the floor.
Wiping his hands, Honey B. Good begins
making his way back over to the marching
circle with Jethro.
Jethro
I daresay Honey, you certainly handled that brute in the most delicious way.
Honey B. Good
Yes. I did didn’t I? We simply couldn’t have him insulting my mum during our walk in the park now could we?
They continue their march and Jean Claude Van Damme rises. random Guy #2 crosses from stage right to stage left.
Jean Claude Van Damme
This is stupid. So very, very sad and stupid.
Honey B. Good & Jethro
Yes, we know, but what can you do?
Colonel Sanders stands up again from audience.
Colonel Sanders
Word bitch! Ain’t no thang but a chicken wing.
Parts in Blue were added just before the show as a result of talking with cute girl named Jenna who was sitting right behind me. She goes by Valjenna and is apparently the queen of eggs. Her equally cute friend Rachel is the queen of cheese, but that really has no bearing on the script.
THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
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