The Greatest Love of All or Have You Seen the Ghost of John?
by Cool Jesse, Two White Niggers, and a German Scientist
(Lights up. 1and 2 stand on stage. 1 is bracing himself to be kicked in the nuts. 2 is hesitating.)
1: Come on, man; just kick me in the nuts. Just do it, and then well go steal that girls bike. Alright? Alright. Lets do this! Yeah! Come on!
2: I dont know; are you sure about this? I mean
1: Just do it already, asshole. Nuts. Bike. Bam.
2: But what about Pudge? Shouldnt we wait for him? You know how he enjoys a good nut-kicking.
1: Fuck Pudge! All that pussy ever does is whine about shit; now would you just kick my nuts in so we can steal that girls bike?
(Pudge enters stage right.)
Pudge: Hey guys! Did I miss the nut-kicking?
1: Shit! Fucking Pudge. See what youre stallin gets us.
2: Hey, Pudge.
1: Would you just kick my fucking nuts in already?
(2 kicks 1 and misses, hitting his inner thigh.)
1: Jesus fucking Christ, Asshole! Mother fuck! You completely missed my nuts! Jesus!
(1 punches 2. 2 falls down.)
(1 punches Pudge. Pudge falls down.)
1: Thats for being fat, asshole! Fuck you guys, Im gonna steal that bike by myself.
(1 exits stage left. Silence.)
2: So, how have you been Pudge? Still trying to lose your virginity?
Pudge: Yeah, but what can I do, you know? I am a disgusting, fat shithead, you know? So, what can I do?
2: Yeah . . .
Pudge: I mean, there was this one girl, Charlene Simmons, I got all the way to third base with her, but I just couldnt bring myself to fuck her. I mean, shes got this mole on her cheek, and I just couldnt imagine staring at that huge-ass mole while I stuck my dick in and out of her.
(Phone rings offstage.)
2: Still, you could have closed your eyes.
Pudge: Wouldnt do any good. Her tits are still too small.
2: Yeah . . .
(Phone rings offstage again. 1 enters carrying an old rotary phone, not plugged in, holding the receiver to his head.)
1: Why didnt you fruit pansy bull-daggers answer the phone?
Pudge: What phone?
1: Shut up, Crisco.
(Pudge and 2 get up off the ground. "I Will Always Love You" begins playing from the clouds.)
2: Wheres the bike?
1: What bike? That fucking girl didnt even have a bike. She was just acting like she did. Dumb cunt.
Pudge: Maybe she wanted you to nail her.
1: Hey, fatty-fat-fat fuck, why dont you go home before it starts raining.
Pudge: Its not gonna rain.
1: Yes, it is. My vengeance shall rain down upon you if you do not get out of here.
Pudge: But I thought you were gonna have your nuts kicked in. Real hardcore like.
(Songs stops abruptly. 2 holds out hand and looks up, checking for signs of rain.)
1: Nevermind that, I need to figure out where I can get a midget.
2: What do we need a midget for?
1: WE dont need a midget for anything. I need a midget for making out with.
Pudge: I once made out with this short girl. It was like kissing a midget.
1: Shut up, tons of fun. The only one youve ever kissed was your wife.
(Pudge starts crying. 2 moves to console him, but is tripped by 1 on the way. He begins rolling in the grass, screaming hysterically. Laughter walks across the stage from stage left to right, carrying a lawn gnome and an open umbrella.)
1: What time is it?
Pudge: Quarter to three. Why?
Pudge: Whats wrong?
1: Im late for my hysterectomy.
Pudge: Are they going to de-vaginize you too?
(Turtle crawls on stage left, wearing a cowboy hat.)
1: We dont want any.
Turtle: Kids love turtles.
1: Never mind that. The only kind of turtle this chubby fuck likes is the ones who will suck his tiny dick.
Turtle: Well, shoot! Why didnt you say so? Ill do that.
Pudge: I guess Ill never get a bj.
2: Oh, Pudge.
(All grasp their stomachs, tip their heads back, and laugh heartily. Lights out. "I Will Always Love You" begins playing again.)THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR