The Greatest Love of All or Have You Seen the Ghost of John?

by Cool Jesse, Two White Niggers, and a German Scientist

(Lights up. 1and 2 stand on stage. 1 is bracing himself to be kicked in the nuts. 2 is hesitating.)

1: Come on, man; just kick me in the nuts. Just do it, and then we’ll go steal that girl’s bike. Alright? Alright. Let’s do this! Yeah! Come on!

2: I don’t know; are you sure about this? I mean————

1: Just do it already, asshole. Nuts. Bike. Bam.

2: But what about Pudge? Shouldn’t we wait for him? You know how he enjoys a good nut-kicking.

1: Fuck Pudge! All that pussy ever does is whine about shit; now would you just kick my nuts in so we can steal that girl’s bike?

(Pudge enters stage right.)

Pudge: Hey guys! Did I miss the nut-kicking?

1: Shit! Fucking Pudge. See what you’re stallin’ gets us.

2: Hey, Pudge.

1: Would you just kick my fucking nuts in already?

(2 kicks 1 and misses, hitting his inner thigh.)

1: Jesus fucking Christ, Asshole! Mother fuck! You completely missed my nuts! Jesus!

(1 punches 2. 2 falls down.)

1: Assfucker.

(1 punches Pudge. Pudge falls down.)

1: That’s for being fat, asshole! Fuck you guys, I’m gonna steal that bike by myself.

(1 exits stage left. Silence.)

2: So, how have you been Pudge? Still trying to lose your virginity?

Pudge: Yeah, but what can I do, you know? I am a disgusting, fat shithead, you know? So, what can I do?

2: Yeah . . .

Pudge: I mean, there was this one girl, Charlene Simmons, I got all the way to third base with her, but I just couldn’t bring myself to fuck her. I mean, she’s got this mole on her cheek, and I just couldn’t imagine staring at that huge-ass mole while I stuck my dick in and out of her.

(Phone rings offstage.)

2: Still, you could have closed your eyes.

Pudge: Wouldn’t do any good. Her tits are still too small.

2: Yeah . . .

(Phone rings offstage again. 1 enters carrying an old rotary phone, not plugged in, holding the receiver to his head.)

1: Why didn’t you fruit pansy bull-daggers answer the phone?

Pudge: What phone?

1: Shut up, Crisco.

(Pudge and 2 get up off the ground. "I Will Always Love You" begins playing from the clouds.)

2: Where’s the bike?

1: What bike? That fucking girl didn’t even have a bike. She was just acting like she did. Dumb cunt.

Pudge: Maybe she wanted you to nail her.

1: Hey, fatty-fat-fat fuck, why don’t you go home before it starts raining.

Pudge: It’s not gonna rain.

1: Yes, it is. My vengeance shall rain down upon you if you do not get out of here.

Pudge: But I thought you were gonna have your nuts kicked in. Real hardcore like.

(Songs stops abruptly. 2 holds out hand and looks up, checking for signs of rain.)

1: Nevermind that, I need to figure out where I can get a midget.

2: What do we need a midget for?

1: WE don’t need a midget for anything. I need a midget for making out with.

Pudge: I once made out with this short girl. It was like kissing a midget.

1: Shut up, tons of fun. The only one you’ve ever kissed was your wife.

(Pudge starts crying. 2 moves to console him, but is tripped by 1 on the way. He begins rolling in the grass, screaming hysterically. Laughter walks across the stage from stage left to right, carrying a lawn gnome and an open umbrella.)

1: What time is it?

Pudge: Quarter to three. Why?

1: Shit!

Pudge: What’s wrong?

1: I’m late for my hysterectomy.

Pudge: Are they going to de-vaginize you too?

(Turtle crawls on stage left, wearing a cowboy hat.)

1: We don’t want any.

Turtle: Kids love turtles.

1: Never mind that. The only kind of turtle this chubby fuck likes is the ones who will suck his tiny dick.

Turtle: Well, shoot! Why didn’t you say so? I’ll do that.

Pudge: Really?