- January 30, 2004 - No Shame Iowa City
I’m Doing This for You
or
You Are The Wind Beneath My Wings
by
Cool Jesse
Lights up. Sarah sits center stage with her back to a desk. In front of her is Jesse. On the other side of the desk against the back wall is Monkey-boy. On the desk is a single rotary style phone, but it has a banana instead of a regular headset.
Sarah
God damn it, Jesse! I just don’t know why you had to go and do it! What the fuck were you thinking?
Jesse
I told you Sarah, I’d do anything for my girl. Anything.
Sarah
Damn it, Jesse! I keep telling you, I’m not your girl. Why can’t you get that through your thick fucking skull. I’m not your girl. I’m not . . . Jesus! Jesse! We’re . . . what I mean is . . . you and I are nothing more than friends. That is all we will ever be. And you’re just going to have to learn to live with that. Okay?
Jesse
But . . . but . . . I mean . . . it’s just that . . .
Phone rings.
Sarah.
Excuse me. (Picking up phone.) Hello? Yes.
Sarah continues a standard phone conversation. Monkey-boy comes forward, lurking animatedly.
Monkey-boy
(Trying to interrupt Sarah.) Banana! Banana! Banana! Banana!
Sarah
(Still on phone, trying to brush-off Monkey-boy.) Yeah, just a minute. Hold on. Yeah, ok. Can you hold on? Just a minute. Just hold a minute. Listen, can I call you back in a little while?
When Sarah hangs up, Monkey-boy retreats.
Sarah
I’m sorry, Jesse. I didn’t mean to ruin everything. I was just trying to help. Can you forgive me? I promise you this will never happen again. Ever. Please?
Jesse
I don’t know. I mean, did you have to? Did you really fucking have to? Was it that God damn important for you to get your fucking hair done that you had to forget every other thing you were supposed to do? Sometimes I swear I don’t know where your mind is. Do you understand what I’m getting at here? I mean, fuck, Sarah, this was really big. It was really, really big. Do you get it? Is it making sense now?
Sarah
Jesse, I’m sorry. What more do you want me to do? I can’t fix it, now can I? And it’s not like I did it on purpose. I didn’t want to fuck everything up for you —
Jesse
Oh, didn’t you, because I could have sworn that’s what you were going for and you succeeding quite successfully. Sometimes you are such a stupid bitch. You know that, Sarah? You really are.
Sarah
You asshole! It’s easy for you to blame this all on me isn’t it? I’ve already told you that I’m fucking sorry, didn’t I? Didn’t I?! Well?! Answer me, God damn it! Answer me!
Jesse
Don’t take that tone with me you ungrateful cunt. This is my house and if you don’t like things here, you can just call a cab and ride your fat ass on out of here. Go on . . . do it!
Sarah
Fine! You don’t want me here, I’ll leave! Will that make you happy? Will it? Fine then, I’m leaving. (Picking up phone to call cab.) Hello? Yeah, I need a cab.
Monkey-boy
(Coming forward again and trying to interrupt Sarah.) Banana! Banana! Banana! Banana! Banana! Banana! Banana!
Sarah
How long will it take? Well can you hurry? (Trying to talk on the phone and pacify Monkey-boy.) Just a minute. Yes, I know. Hold on. Shhhhh. Come on. Can you hold a minute? Yes, I know. Yes, banana. Yes. Hold on just one minute. Ok, 2427 Pretzel Lane. Thank you.
When Sarah hangs up, Monkey-boy retreats.
Sarah
I didn’t do it.
Jesse
Yes you did.
Sarah
I didn’t do it.
Jesse
Yes you did.
Sarah
I didn’t do it.
Jesse
Yes you did.
Sarah
I didn’t do it.
Jesse
Yes you did.
Sarah
I didn’t do it.
Jesse
Yes you did.
Phone rings. Monkey-boy answers.
Monkey-boy
Banana! Banana! Banana! Banana!
Sarah
Give me that. Put it down. I need the phone. That is not a toy. Come now, put the phone down and I’ll forgive you.
Monkey-boy hangs up and retreats. Sarah
returns her attention to Jesse.
Jesse
You’re Jesus in disguise!
Sarah
You’re Jesus in disguise, you asshole!
Jesse
Don’t push me cuz I’m close to tha edge. I’m about to lose my head.
Sarah
Ha — ha — ha, ha.
Jesse
It’s like a jungle sometimes.
Sarah
I know what you mean. But what can you do? It’s . . . you know, where it’s at.
Jesse
Two turn tables and a microphone?
Sarah
Don’t be a fucking idiot.
Jesse
I’m not. I’m a winner. I’m a driver.
Sarah
You can talk to squirrels.
Jesse
I’m going nowhere.
Sarah
Yes, you are. Yes, you are. So drop your anchor, my little empire.
Phone rings. Sarah picks it up and slams it down. Monkey-boy comes forward at ring and retreats at the slam.
Sarah
Now, I already told you: I am not going to date someone unless I’m going to marry him. That’s just the way it’s got to be.
Jesse
That doesn’t make any sense at all. How do you know if you’re going to marry someone if you don’t date him? Isn’t that the point of dating? To find someone to marry?
Sarah
I want a courtship. Not just a few dates and some making out.
Jesse
What? Your logic is all fucked up. Quit being so damn old-fashioned. It’s not like you’re still a virgin or anything, now is it? Is it?
Sarah
You shut up! I’m a born-again virgin. You fuckin’ asshole. Why do you always have to bring up shit like this? Do you like to see me cry?
Jesse
Yes.
Phone rings. Sarah answers it sobbing. Monkey-boy comes forward.
Sarah
Hello. Who? No he’s not here.
Monkey-boy
Banana? Banana?
Sarah
(To Monkey-boy.) Not this time.
Sarah hangs up the phone and returns to talking to Jesse. Monkey-boy retreats.
Sarah
Why’d you run away?
Jesse
To see the other side.
Sarah
Why’d you run away?
Jesse
To see the other side.
Sarah
Why’d you run away?
Jesse
To see the other side.
Sarah
Why’d you run away?
Jesse
To see the other side.
Phone rings. Monkey-boy comes forward.
Monkey-boy
Banana!
Sarah
I’m going to let the machine get this one.
Monkey-boy retreats.
Jesse
I’m sorry if you can’t understand why I do the things I do. I just wanted to make you laugh again.
Sarah
Well, just because something works once, doesn’t mean it’s guaranteed to work again and again and again. Do you understand that? Do you?
Jesse
I guess so. I mean . . .
Sarah
No, do you or do you not understand that?
Jesse
I do, but . . .
Sarah
No buts.
Man enters from audience. He walks up and lifts Sarah meanly from her chair. He grabs her chair.
Man
I’m taking your chair.
Lights down.
Library]
