Twilight Confessions

by

Jesse Daniel Blaine

Arlen:

My grandmother was a collector. She had such a marvelous collection of things. Shelves of salt & pepper shakers, boxes of toys, cases of thimbles. Her house was wall-to-wall Native American art, complete with a ceiling of wind chimes, stifled by the lack of air movement. Even the sounds at her house came complete and organized into series — grand cacophonies on noise: screeching birds, arguing and/or laughing family, gurgling fish tanks. She managed to fill her tiny house with old-fashioned Cracker Jack prizes, limited edition Barbie Dolls, assorted Precious Moments figurines, photographs of people only she could remember, poetry clipped from ancient yellowed newspapers, Christmas cards she’d never read more than once, elephants — all "trunk-up" for good luck. Yes, my grandmother was a grand collector. She lived her life surrounded by clutter.

Cassie:

Pleasure: a pleased feeling; enjoyment; delight; satisfaction; one’s wish, will, or choice.

Arlen:

After she died, my family left everything in its place — all the clutter arranged. And every day after school, we’d all convene at her house as we’d done when she was alive, pretending nothing had changed. I remember how comforting that was — to trap her essence in the things she’d known — in the patterns of her life.

Cassie:

Denial: a refusal to believe or accept; an unconscious thought process whereby one allays anxiety by refusing to acknowledge the existence of certain unpleasant aspects of external reality or of one’s thoughts and feelings; self-denial.

Danielle:

One of my earliest memories is of being locked in a car. You see, my mom, her boyfriend, my brother, and I had just come back from getting fast food. When they all went inside, I was mistakenly left behind. I tried to get out of the car, but either the locks were too hard to pull up or I was too weak to open the heavy doors by myself. In any case, I was unable to get out of the car. I tried everything: yelling, crying, banging on the windows, throwing myself against the in sides of the car. Nothing worked, no one heard me. They’d forgotten the bag that had the French fries, so in my hungry, panicked, 4-year-old frenzy, I began eating to take my mind off of things. Eventually (after what seemed like hours, but must have been minutes at most), my mother came looking for me and the missing food. She took me inside to calm me down. Once her boyfriend opened the bag of food they’d left with me in the car, he was pissed because I’d eaten most of the fries. Though, I don’t remember the fight that followed, I can still see my mother’s swollen face fighting back tears, trying to save face in front of her two sons.

Cassie:

Regret: to feel sorry about or mourn for; a troubled feeling or remorse over something that has happened, especially over something that one has done or left undone; sorrow over a person or thing gone or lost.

Danielle:

Even though, I’m unsure whether it was a dream or a real occurrence, at times it’s so clear to me — the green car interior, the secluded wooden house, the fire in the fireplace, my mother’s faux pearls splashing against everything as she struggled with her boyfriend, the terror of being unable to escape.

Cassie:

Rapture: the state of being carried away with joy or love; ecstasy; an expression of great joy or pleasure.

Chris:

I used to live next door to this really stupid kid. Oh no, it’s true. He was the only other boy my age in the neighborhood, so we were friends by default. However, this fact in no way diminished my excitement when I first learnt that he and his mom would be renting the house next to us. Well, he and I would play together, walk to school together, shit, we even caused mischievous boyhood trouble together. But most of the time, we’d just argue. He’d always be convinced that some stupid idea in his head was true and it was my job, as the more intelligent one, to correct his sorry ass. Like this one time, when he insisted that he had more crayons in his box of 48 than I had in my box of 64 because 8 is bigger than both 6 and 4. He was always trying to prove stupid shit like that. Anyway, one day we both came home from school to find his mom on my porch smoking with all their worldly belongings in a single plastic bag. Apparently they we’re going to have to move seeing’s how his mom left a lit cigarette on a ratty old couch and burnt the house down.

Cassie:

Arousal: to awaken, as from sleep; to stir, as to action or strong feeling; to evoke some action or feeling.

Chris:

Two days later, my step-dad went out in the middle of the night and lit what was left of that house on fire, then came back in and called the fire department. He was hoping he’d be able to blame it on his ex-wife and my mom’s ex-boyfriend. The two had recently gotten together and in some sort of twisted revenge, had been driving by our house at night harassing us, making threats from the street.

Cassie:

Shame: a painful feeling of having lost the respect of others because of the improper behavior or incompetence of oneself or someone that one is closely associated with.

Jesse:

When I was about 2-years-old, my father began molesting me. My mother started noticing something was wrong when I’d come home from weekend visits with him covered in carpet burns and unwilling to talk to anyone. She’d always ask me what had happened, but I was to young to even make up an excuse. I would just curl up on the corner of my grandparents’ couch, clutching my teddy bear and security blankets for dear life. After a while, my mother managed to finally pull the truth from. I told her about the way he’d drag me from my bedroom through the house to the bathroom, where after setting me on the toilet and locking the door, he’d undo his pants and force his penis into my mouth. I remember later, I told the therapists I’d done it because I believed the "white stuff would taste like jirt." I can’t recall what would happen after these incidents, just that the rest of the weekend, he’d buy my silence with toys and restaurants and zoos.

Cassie:

Compulsion: a compelling or being compelled; coercion; constraint; an irresistible, repeated, irrational impulse to perform some act.

Jesse:

The funny thing is, after a court battle, he got to go free and I had to be locked up. My mother, fearing my father would try something drastic to get his son, had me placed in Boys Town. It’s a strange feeling to be 3-years-old and living away from home, unsure of everything, afraid of everyone.

Cassie:

Violate: to use force or violence; to break a rule, law, or promise; to desecrate or profane; to commit a sexual assault on; especially, to rape; to break in upon; interrupt thoughtlessly; disturb.

Jamal:

Rape.

"Twilight Confessions" debuted April 4, 2003.

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