Revelations of a Douche Bag
by
Cool Jesse
(Lights up.)
A: I think I’m dying.
B: What? No you’re not. You’re not dying.
A: No, seriously, I think I’m dying.
(A bends over, holding stomach, and gagging. B waits, watching for a few seconds, growing impatient.)
B: Knock that shit off! You’re such a fucking douche bag. You are not dying; you’re just acting like a dumbass.
(A freezes, considers a moment, and then stands up.)
A: What the hell’s wrong with you? I tell you I’m dying and you just start nay-saying. You’re like, ‘I don’t think you’re dying. You’re a douche bag. Why do you always gotta be such a fucking douche? I’m so smart; I know everyt — .’
B: (Interrupting.) I’m just saying that I don’t thin — .
(A interrupts B by speaking gibberish in a mocking tone. B allows this to go on for a few seconds before cutting A off.)
B: Whatever.
A: (Still mocking.) Whatever.
(B rolls his eyes.)
A: (Angry.) Fuck you, man. Fuck you!
B: Man, you are really being a HUGE douche right now. I mean, what’s wrong with you?
A: What the fuck?! That’s what you always say. That’s you’re end-all answer to everything.
(A brief silence falls while both characters take a moment to contemplate what has been said.)
B: (Abruptly.) Well, it’s true; you ARE a douche.
A: Ha! Well, when I die, I want to make sure you put that in my epitaph okay? Here lies my best friend, the douche; I didn’t believe him when he said he was dying.
B: You’re not dying.
A: (Fed up.) Huh! Show’s how much you know.
(A starts shaking then fall down stiff.)
B: Get up. (Waits 2 beats.) I said, ‘Get up!’ I know you’re not dead. You’re not even really dying.
(A rises.)
A: you’re wrong you know? Why can’t you admit you’re wrong?
B: Because I’m not. You’re not dying. You don’t even really believe that you are. You’re faking.
A: I am not! I really am dying. Why can’t you see that? Look.
(A falls on floor gagging, shaking, writhing, and emitting strange sounds.)
B: Why do you have to act like that.?
(A continues.)
B: (Giving in.) Okay, I believe you. You’re dying. Now will you please stop that?
(A continues, then, as if just realizing what B said, he stops.)
A: I am? (Standing up.) I mean, you believe me? You really think I’m dying?
B: (Patronizing and semi-sarcastic.) Sure. You’re dying.
A: (Victoriously.) Well! (Slight pause.) I’m glad you finally admit I’m right.
B: Yeah, sure, whatever. Listen, I’d love to stick around an play games with your hypochondria, but I’ve got to get home.
A: Playing games?! Is that what this is to you? This is serious. You said it yourself; I’ve got hypo . . . hypo . . . what did you call it?
B: (Rolling eyes.) Hypo — chon — dria.
A: Yeah, hypochondria! I’ve got hypochondria. You know, I rather like the sound of that.
B: I’m sure you do. Listen, I’ve gotta get going. So you take care and all, and I’ll catch you later. Bye.
(B exits stage left.)
A: (Yelling after B.) Oh yeah, we’ll see about that! I’m going to be dead soon! I have hypowhatsit you know! I’m dying! I’m dying!
(A turns back to the audience and begins shouting to himself.)
A: You hear that world?! I’m dying! I have hypochondria and I’m dying! The world sure will be different once I’m gone. What are you gonna do, World? Huh? What — the fuck — are you gonna do without me? Because, you know, I’m gonna be dead soon! You hear that, World? I am dying! (Getting more excited.) I’m dy — ing! Dead! Dead-dead — dead-dead-dead! (Slight pause.) Dead! I’m-dying! (Quieter.) I’m — dying! (A slowly realizes what he’s so happy about and calms down, growing quieter.) I’m ----- dying! (A looks at audience with a terror-filled look of revelation in his face.)
(Black out.)
"Revelations of a Douche Bag" debuted February 7, 2003, performed by Jesse Blaine, Cassie Gonzales.
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