copyright © 2002 by Jesse Blaine

The Time When I Invited Chachi Over and He Wouldn’t Leave My House

by

Jesse "the the the" Blaine

Jesse: I was working hard for the past couple of weeks on this great little play about Scott Baio. You see it was going to be about how that has-been wouldn’t leave my dorm room after I hired him for a birthday party appearance for my friend Jon. It was going to be great! You see the whole premise was that Chachi wouldn’t leave, and I’d come home and find him on my bed and say, "What the fuck Chachi!? You sleep on the floor." He’d be all like, "I’m sorry, but I have a bad back." Then I’d say, "Who cares? Yo, Charles, you’re in charge of the dishes tonight, fuck face!" (Laugh) Oh, man would it have been hilarious. But, I decided that was a fucking stupid idea, so I sat down at 6p.m. on this very night and set out to write a new piece. I would have had something awesome if it weren’t for my meddlesome roommate . . .

LIGHTS DOWN THEN UP

Jesse sits at the table, staring blankly at the screen. Brad enters with a newspaper.

Brad: Yo, Jesse! We need to join some cause and pretend like we actually care about shit! Check this out man, (sets newspaper in front of Jesse) see all these crazy fuckers went to D.C. to protest the war. They were on a bus the whole way. You know that had to be a fuck fest.

Brad exits.

Jesse: (To the audience) You see what I had to deal with here. Anyway, I didn’t have the heart to tell him that there was no such place as Washington D.C. and buses are only fairy tales. So, I politely sent him away. However, this was just the beginning of his pestering, things got worse . . .

Enter Brad, standing off to the side as if by a dorm room window.

Brad: Jesse, man, those stupid fuckers are yelling out the windows again. Come check this out.

Jesse: (To the audience, getting up from his seat and walking over to Brad) How could I resist this, he knew I had a weakness for windows and yelling. (Over at the window, yelling out it) Hey! Hey! Hey-oh! What’s up mutha fuckas?! Hey you fuckers wannna yell shit? Come on bitches, yell. (Make random weird noises) Yeah, not so tough now are you cunts? I got aids! You like that? Eat out of my ass! Krashle fink lubramit con salimino dragoatrasect penilium. Penis! Yeah, fuck you guys. Bitches. (Returning to the table and talking to the audience) Whew, that always takes it out of me. As you could see me roommate was proving to be a bigger distraction than I could deal with. So, to relax a little bit I took a nap . . . (Lay down on table and pretend to sleep, count to 50 slowly, then get up) When I woke up I had less than an hour to write my piece, so here it is, the best I could do in so short a time.

LIGHTS DOWN THEN UP

Jesse: (Lays down on floor and stares at audience for a about 15 seconds then makes an incredibly stupid noise for about 10 seconds, followed by him just lying there, spread-eagle for 20 seconds then LIGHTS DOWN)

"The Time When I Invited Chachi Over and He Wouldn't Leave My House" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

"The Time When I Invited Chachi Over and He Wouldn't Leave My House" debuted October 25, 2002.

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