This was a skit that Bob, Maggie, and I performed at No Shame Theater on August 18th, 2001. Bob came up with the idea for the skit, I did most of the writing (happily stealing the ideas for the first three letters from my sister), and Maggie graciously stepped in at the last moment to play Miss Manners. Here's our script:

Gentle Readers --
In my time as a syndicated advice columnist on matters of ettiquette, I've received many letters that newspapers have understandably deemed unfit for a wide audience. I would like to share some of them with you now.

Dear Miss Manners --
While visiting my husband's parents, I used the restroom, when a sudden case of food poisoning caused me to clog their facilities. I tried gentle plunging, when to my dismay, the privy broke, spewing excrement, mine and theirs, all over their beautiful Laura Ashley wallpaper. I simply cleaned myself off and left the room as is, but I sense a certain uneasiness with Mr. and Mrs.
What to do to thaw the ice?
Accident Prone
Fresno, California

Gentle Reader --
Miss Manners understands the trials of faulty plumbing (both inside and out). Find a delicate way to broach the topic in conversation. Perhaps while sampling a fine Sancerre, say, "Did you know that some French wines can cause amoebic dysentery?" Before you know it, you'll 'prone' -- to laugh over the 'accident' like old friends.

Dear Miss Manners --
I returned from a business trip to find that I'd received a court summons intended for my neighbor. How do I serve him the subpoena and still stay friends?
Served With Confusion
Oak Park, Illlinois

Gentle Reader --
When dealing with our less law-abiding friends, never fear the involvement of Johnny Law. Dispose of the inconvenient document, and rest assured that soon, your friendly local authorities will bring things to a satisfactory conclusion.

Dear Miss Manners --
My wife and I are both adopted. Maybe you can tell where this is leading. [beat (let it sink in)] She and I tracked down our birth parents, when, to our dismay, our quests ended with the same couple. My question: do we invite them to our baby shower? If so, do we seat them with my family or my wife's?
Out on a Limb on the Family Tree
Bowling Green, Kentucky

Gentle Reader --
When guests can be seated with either party, one either seats them with close friends, or in such a way as to balance the two groups. Congratulations on your little bundle of joy!

Dear Miss Manners --
At a dinner party last weekend, I was admonished for sampling a bit of ecstasy. Yet the couple hosting the party were taking hits from a lovely cut-glass bong! Were they in the right?
Just Saying No to Faux Pas
Fishkill, New York

Gentle Reader --
It would have perfectly polite to sample their stash, but your choice to take ecstasy was ill-advised. The genteel partygoer never partakes of anything harder than the host or hostess's drug of choice.

Dear Miss Manners --
I've been updating a Windows-2000 ODBC driver for Oracle to handle a series of security glitches from the latest service pack. Yet every installation ends with the WISE installer reporting a general protection fault -- or, worse, the blue screen of death. How do I let Microsoft technical support know about the problem without hurting their feelings?
Feeling Blue,
San Jose, California

Gentle Reader --
It is with regret that we sometimes must be the bearer of bad tidings, but remember: Microsoft just makes the operating system. A polite software engineer will consult with the driver designers, followed by the installer developers, and only then would you pursue the operating system company. Provided you report the problems with a smile in your voice and due consideration for a phone-support technician's harried schedule, you needn't worry about hurting anyone's feelings.

Be prepared to find out it's not their problem at all -- if you've been running Win2k without the latest security patches, this may be a symptom of the latest version of the Code Red worm.

Dear Miss Manners --
I've spent the last six months periodically murdering prostitutes in Lower Manhattan. Last Friday, I discovered my latest victim was in fact an undercover police officer. Needless to say, I feel awful about it. Would it be rude for me to attend the funeral, and show our support for our boys and girls in blue? Or would it be better to stay away?
Hit and Miss
New York, New York

Gentle Reader --
In times like this, everything depends on how close the law is to catching up with you. Do they have a rough physical description? Have you left taunting (but, I trust, not impolite) letters describing how they will never catch you? If so, then someone may recognize you -- making for a socailly awkward situation all around. If not, go ahead -- telling the other officers that you were an old college friend of hers is an acceptable 'white lie.' Your grief is real, and that is what matters.

As for avoiding trouble in the future, always get a whore to tell you directly that she'll trade cash for sex. A true streetwalker will aceept this as standard operating procedure -- and a cop would never arrest you in such a clear (and gauche) case of entrapment.

Thank you, and goodnight.

• August 18, 2001 - No Shame Austin
  

  Performed by Maggie Bell, Bob Apthorpe & Peter Rogers.

• April 7, 2004 - No Shame Harrisonburg
  

  Performed by Amber Garrity.

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