Minimum Bid

By Brian Anderson

LIGHTS UP:

Empty stage.

TEXAS.  JAIMIE (male) enters, searching.

Jaimie

Come on, now! Come on!

Roy

(offstage)I’m hurryin’! Shit. I ain’t runnin’ thru cornfields again, man! Jaimie, it’s just not worth it.(ROY enters.) You think we’re actually gonna find something out here?

jAIMIE

Roy. I can smell the dollar signs already man! Fuck-in-A!

rOY

How the hell you figure we’re gonna make money off fuckin' space debris?

jaIMIE

It’s fuckin' HISTORY, man! Don’t you watch fuckin' Antique Roadshow, or all these other fuckin' history shows? Millionaires pay good money for-- (immediately sees something off stage and exits) What the hell is that??

rOY

Don’t fuckin' pick it up, man! If it’s fuckin' space debris, they tell you not to pick it up!

jAIMIE

(offstage)Why?

roY

I don’t know, its got fuckin' space acid on it, or some shit like that.

jAIMIE

(offstage)Is the Space Shuttle made by John Deere?

rOY

How the fuck do I know?

Jaimie

(offstage)Probably not space debris, I reckon.

rOY

Look man, we’re NOT gonna find shit out here, alright. The god damn thing crashed a hundred miles away. (Pause) Jaimie! That is a fuckin' tractor tire. Put it down, alright?

jAIMIE

(offstage)You never know!

rOY

Seriously. If you ever find any kind of space debris out here, how you gonna even sell it?

JAIMIE (offstage, simultaneously)Get off my back! There are millionaires out there that will pay the highest bidder for a piece of space debris history!

rOY   The fuckin' government will fuckin' shut you down as soon as you try and sell --Jaimie! That’s a fuckin' garden hose, leave it be, k?

jAIMIE

(entering onstage)Ebay.

roY

Ebay?

jAIMIE

Ebay. You can sell anything you want on Ebay. Marcie’s fixin' to sell her eggs on Ebay. Five grand minimum bid. Now come on. Can you figure now, how much minimum bid would be, for space debris?(exits offstage)

ROY

Jesus, Jaimie. Get it through your skull.  Think about it. (JAIMIE exits again) Where you goin', man?  I’m talking to you boy.  Jesus, Jaimie! Lets just go home.  Give it up.  You ain’t gonna find --

jAIMIE

(offstage) Shit.

roY

What?  You find something over there Jaimie?

 

Silence.

jAIMIE

Roy?

roY

Holy shit! You really did find something!? Holy fuckin' shit, Jaimie!  We’re gonna be fuckin' rich, man!

jAIMIE

Roy! Don’t come nearer!

roY

Sorry man. Sorry that I even ever doubted you!! Fuck, Shit! I just can’t believe it! Jaimie, we’re gonna be fuckin' rich, man. Like you said!!!

jAIMIE

(hard to say)Roy?..... Why don’t you go on back to the ranch and dial 911...

ROY

Jaimie.

jAIMIE

(offstage)Roy! Do as I say.(Hard to say.)Dial. 9. 1. 1... Go tell them we found.. something they’re lookin' for.

ROY

(exiting offstage to look) Well, what the hell did you find over there?

JAIMIE (simultaneously, offstage)Roy. God damn it!. Do as I say, and don’t come any nearer! Don’t worry about nothing, Roy! Just get out! Roy Listen to me! You don’t need to see---

rOY (simultaneously, offstage) Well, I wanna be able to see what kinda minimum bid-Why you actin’ all strange all a’ sudden? Just let me see---

Silence. A discovery. ROY enters back onstage, almost paralyzed in shock of what he just saw offstage.

jAIMIE

(offstage)  We’re not gonna be rich Roy... Go on, now...

ROY still paralyzed from the sight he just saw offstage.

jaIMIE (CONT’D)

Go on!

ROY snaps out of his shock, and runs off stage.

Pause.

BLACKOUT