The 6 Months, 18 Days, 4 Hours and 27 Minutes Itch

An Original Monologue by: Amy Alls

 

Monologue is for a man between the ages of 18 and 30. Staging is bare aside from one chair. Man is sitting on the chair at the beginning of the piece as he, directly to the audience, addresses an imaginary being. Monologue may be more effective if given directly to a woman in the audience.

 

Man: Hi. We've been together now for quite some time...6 months, 18 days, 4 hours, 27-no, 28-minutes and you know how much I love-well, let me try to make this as easy to understand as possible-Not that I think you're stupid. On the contrary, I think you are extremely intelligent for someone who wants to be with me so badly all the time. However, I need to be honest. You deserve that. You really do. Thing is, and I mean this as constructively as possible, I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU.

 

Please don't look at me like that. I'm not trying to be cruel or-I'm not even trying to get rid of you-Oh, crap...that's not what I meant to say-What I mean to say is-You know how you're always right there by my side whenever I need you? (Short pause) How do I say this? Well, you're also there when I don't need you-and oftentimes, you're there when I don't even want you to be there.

 

Oh, don't start that again. I'm trying to do-er, say-the right thing, here. I'm not very good at this. Cut me some slack. I've done that for you.

 

We also need to talk about your eating habits. I'm concerned that you might be over-indulging at times. I have been noticing a gradual but definite increase in your-ahem-girth and you're so busy hanging around me all the time that you're not getting enough exercise. That is not healthy.

 

In addition, your constant presence is worsened by the fact that every time we see each other, you're all over me. I'm not against public displays of affection, but the lack of control over your behavior you have displayed thus far has, frankly, become embarrassing for both of us.

 

Lastly, someone has to say it. It's the fleas. I know I'm the one who let you play with the German shepherd across the street, but SIXTEEN bottles of over-priced doggy shampoo, the ritual sacrifice of one very expensive Persian rug and the fact that you absolutely REFUSE to be serious during a bath have caused me to question why I began this relationship in the first place. I'm THROUGH with cutting you some slack!