My Day at the Gun Store
Brandon: Any guy really, as long as hes good looking
Lily: Any girl really, as long as shes better looking
Redneck: Redneck with a thick accent, and a little slow
Patron: Normal looking, with schizophrenic overtones
Clerk: Any age, any sex, just white and obnoxious
Scene: Blank stage except for three music stands. In a perfect world, thered be focused spots on each one, and darkness around them and in the audience, isolating the three music stands.
Lights up on Brandon at center music stand.
Brandon: Id like to say it was my first time going to the gun store, but sadly it wasnt. My girlfriend had to go there not too long ago to get some recreational arrows for archery at her camp. I remember they couldnt quite understand what exactly it was that she was looking for.
Lights up on girl at stage right music stand.
Lily: No, I dont need anything poison tipped. Its just for practice, like on a target.
Brandon: They suggested that she try out a double razor edge tip, seeing as it would-
From stage left music stand.
Redneck: Cut through a deer like .a knife through a deer.
Brandon: I also questioned the legality of some of their merchandise.
Redneck: Weve also got explodin tips, of our own invention. We just stuck a little TNT into each one. You shoot it, it done goes in the deer, then Kablam: (singing) Deer guts a fallin on your head! And the bastard is dead!
Lily: No! Im not trying to kill anything.
Brandon: A hush fell over the store. This statement disturbed both the patrons and employees of the establishment. It was as if she had contradicted some holy edict, some mystical law that had been handed down from generation to generation. This was their heritage, and she had just, I guess in a non-violent way, annihilated their reason for being. I recalled Plato, telling the townspeople in the marketplace, that their metaphysical ideas were unfounded.
Redneck: (Dumbfounded) Not kill anything huh?
Lily: Well, I guess, um .
Brandon: She scrambled.
Lily: Its to, um, practice, so I, uh, can kill more.
Brandon: Thats my girl. But then, last week, I found myself back at the gun store again. As producer, actor, acting coach, set designer, and set builder, Ive been looking for creative ideas to "dress" the set for STABs senior play, like every other high school in the state, A Midsummer Nights Dream. A friend had suggested we purchase some camouflage netting infused with sticks and leaves, the kind hunters used for a realistic effect. My girlfriend was not there, but I wrote her in anyway.
Lily: (sincere, but slightly confused) Wow, Brandon, I really like you.
Brandon: Thank you. I suppose Ill use this power as writer one more time, before it gets out of hand.
Lily: Im so lucky to have you. Youre so sweet and funny and good looking, Im gonna make you a sandwich, and- You know what, Brandon? Fuck you!
Brandon: Oh well. The store was crowded that Saturday afternoon. What scared me the most about that day were the people. Its easy to dismiss the appearances of your average county bumpkin, but these patrons appeared almost normal, someone who might even live in town. They were wearing khakis, and slightly out of style button down collared shirts. Not the denim overalls, or the cornucopia army surplus paraphernalia of which I was accustomed. I noticed one man handling a very large, turn of the century revolver.
Patron: (studying the weapon) Hmmmm. Hmmmmm. (He quickly draws the gun in a stylized posture, then lowers it) Nah, let me see that other one.
Brandon: I swear, the clerk gave him the exact same weapon.
Patron: (repeats the motion) Now thats more like it. Did you know I can legally kill a man if he intrudes in my home? Its my right! I can kill him if I want to . Ill take it.
Brandon: I was next in line. I told the clerk, a very heavyset woman, somewhere between the ages of 19 and 72, what I was looking for.
Clerk: Well, it not being turkey season and all, Ill have to order it. Whatll you be needing it for? Hunting?
Brandon: No maam. She looked me over.
Brandon: I weighed my options.
A friend of mine is doin some play. Hes gay. Im not, but he is. Hes always doin gay stuff like that. (pause) Can I take a look at that big gun, the one that says Bad Ass Killer on it? Lights slowly fade out as he continues. Did I mention that Im not gay? Im gonna name my kid Champ. Hey, Im gonna go watch Fox News ..
Lights all the way down."My Day at the Gun Store" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"My Day at the Gun Store" debuted April 4, 2002, with the following cast:Brandon: Brandon Allison
Lily: Lily Moore-Coll
Redneck: Sean Nitchmann
Patron: Kyle Carmitchell
Clerk: Daniel Hager