copyright © 2002 Brandon Allison


By: Brandon Allison

Scene: A stoic looking interrogation room. Three plain chairs. Detective is interviewing eye-witnesses in the "sniper" case.


Detective: Good cop trying to get the facts.

Sketch Artist: Drop out art student, trying to redeem himself by serving his community

Girl: Ditz

Bob: Fame seeking redneck

Frank: Regular working guy

Blind Guy: Blind Guy

Lights come up on Detective, Girl, and Sketch Artist

Detective: Now, We understand if you're in shock. But we really need to know what you saw. This is very important.

Girl: OK

Detective: Now, start off with where you were when it happened.

Girl: Well, I was starting my car when I heard the shot. So I looked in my side view mirror, and I think I saw him.

Detective: You think you saw him or you saw him?

Girl: I saw him. He was an old white guy, maybe sixty or so....about 5'9, medium brown hair, and he had scar on his left cheek.

Detective: Are you sure it was his left side? You were looking the mirrorÖ

Girl: I think so-

Detective: You know objects in the mirror are closer than they appear.

Girl: I don't know, I guess he wasÖYou know, he kind of looked like, well, someone who would probably want know, maybe kill someone else...and stuff?

Detective: Thank you, that'll be all.

Girl Leaves.

Detective: Next! Bob enters. State your name.

Bob: Jimmy Joe-Bob

Detective: Is that with a hyphen?

Bob: Uh, I guess I don't really know.

Detective: Right. So, what were you doing at the Home Depot?

Bob: Oh, I was buying sheet metalÖfor uh, an additionÖto my house.
Cop stares at Bob. Cough. Uh, trailer.

Detective: I see, now I have here that you saw the shooter approach the parking lot, set up sand bags at the Imitates quotations with contempt "perimeter," stay there for fifteen minutes while setting up his gun, fire, "laugh mentialiacly," and then run away.

Bob: Yup! Saw it with my own eyes.

Detective: Can you tell us what he looked like?

Bob: All right, but, where are all them cameras?

Detective: Cameras?

Bob: Yeah, I thought I was gonna be on TV.

Detective: We'll get to that later. Can you tell me what he looked like?

Bob: Who?

Detective: The shooter.

Bob: Oh yeah. Big Arab lookin' fella. He musta been seven feet tall, not counting the turban. Oh, and I think he had one of them torans with him.

Detective: I see.

Bob: Now, I'm no expert, but I reckon he was with that damn Al Queda. I was watching Fox News Channel and-

Detective: Interrupting That's all we need. Thank you.

Bob, disappointed, leaves. The Detective turns to look at the sketch artist, who is getting ready to snap.

Detective: Did you get that?

Sketch Artist: Calmly, collectively: Fuck you.

Detective: Next!

Frank enters

Detective: State your name.

Frank: Frank Latowski.

Detective: Now Frank, can you tell me what you saw at the Home Depot during the night in question.

Frank: Sure, I was walking back to my car, when I realized I had forgotten to buy a yardstick that my son said he needed for school. So when I turned around to head back to the store, I heard the shot come from the bushes, I think. I turned around again, and saw a man run towards a white van in the back of the parking lot. Then it sped away.

Detective: All right, now we're getting somewhere. Were you close enough to see the man's face?

Frank: Oh, absolutely. I'll never forget it. He was about 5'3, dark hair, Asian, squinty white eyes. He was definitely a teenager. Maybe, a hundred, hundred and ten pounds...

Detective: Sigh. Did he have any distinguishing accessories or clothing that you remember?

Frank: Yeah, now that I think about it, he was wearing a great big sombrero, probably three feet wide...


Detective: Thanks Frank, that'll be all.

Exit Frank.

Sketch Artist throws down pad and storms off stage.

Detective: Next!

Enter blind man with dark sunglasses, fumbling around stage. Detective stares, stoically.



"20/20" debuted October 18, 2002, performed by Greg Hays, Kyle Carmitchell, Lily Moore, Brandon Allison, Sherwood Ross, and Tucker Duncan.

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