copyright © 2002 Brandon Allison

The 2012 Academy Awards
Brandon Allison

Trent: And the award for best actor goes to (opens envelope) Thomas Allison, for The Fat Guy

Massive Applause. Cheers. Thomas jogs up to stage, high fiving the audience.

Thomas: Wahooo! Yeah! All right! Damn, best actor. You like that Matt Damon? (Thomas begins to thrust pelvically with the statuette in a phallic pose) You watching this? So, this makes, five tonight, for The Fat Guy. You know it was tough writing, directing, producing, starring, designing sound and lighting, composing the score, editing and catering this film. I remember when the studio, that I own, first proposed this project. I said to myself, Brandon, the studio wants you to spearhead this production, and I of course said sure. It was a real challenge. And I would say that, I couldn't have done it without a lot of people....but that just wouldn't be true. This was kind of all me, and even though it isn't, how would you say, modest, it's what happened. True, a lot of people were on the set, and in conferences, and in the editing room, but, they never really helped that much. In fact, they kind of got in the way. Nevertheless, it is obvious that my genius seemed to persevere past all the idiotic obstacles that I mercifully allowed to be shown in the credits. Two hundred and fifty people in two seconds. I'm just so damn proud of....myself. I woke up this morning, got out of bed with my super-model girlfriend and I looked in the mirror. And, I just had to smile. I said, Tom, you're going to win best actor tonight, and a whole lot more too. People love you, and they should. Sometimes, I even wonder if hanging around all these morons from the academy, the studio, the public ect., infects my genius...Nah, that's impossible. I'm way too great for that. It reminds me of something that Anthony Hopkins said to me on his deathbed many years ago. I was only a teen-ager then. He called me in real close and said, Tom, God told me that I was the greatest actor in the universe, and now you are. Then he died. That story, for me, keeps me going. Well, I see the producer of this shoddy show is doing this, so I guess that means I've got to go. So, in conclusion, The Fat Guy was done by me. But even then, I didn't even work that hard on it. I'll see you guys again in about forty-five minutes for best picture, so see you later.

Clinton bursts through door

Clinton: Brandon, get the hell out of the bathroom! We're late!

Tom: Right, sure.


"The 2012 Academy Awards" debuted June 28, 2002, performed by Trent Westbrook, Brandon Allison and Clinton Johnston.

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