(Lights up on Jessica)
      Hi. I wrote this piece about my new job Osco Drug in the Old Capitol Mall. I started last week and I've come to realize that the place has way too many rules. Sometimes these rules cause more damage than they prevent. Here's an example. It was my first day and I was working at the front cash registers. The crazy lady was training me. And if you've ever been to Osco, you know what lady I'm talking about.
      (Lights Down and then up again on Jessica, Crazy Lady Trainer, and Customer)
Jessica: (Jessica is fumbling with a receipt and tries to hand it to the customer as he leaves.) Oh wait! Here's your receipt, sir!
Customer: (he's walking away) No, thanks.
Jessica: Okay have a nice day.
(Exit Customer)
Jessica: (Jessica crumples up the receipt and looks around.) There's no trash can! (she spots one in the "hallway") Oh there's one out in the hallway. (She walks into the "hallway" and throws the receipt away.)
Crazy Lady Trainer: (in a pissed-off voice) Why did you do that? There is a garbage can in the back room!
Jessica: But that's all the way back there! (she points)
Crazy Lady Trainer: (she scowls) You don't understand. You can't just do whatever you want in this place! There are rules that must be followed! You have to have the managers permission to leave the store while you are clocked in!
Crazy Lady Trainer: (Crazy Lady Trainer glares at Jessica and then her mood changes to happiness all of the sudden.) Well.I'm going on break.
      (Exit Crazy Lady Trainer)
Jessica: Okay..(she turns toward the audience and removes her Osco handbook from her pocket) This place has too many rules! This is my Osco handbook. Yeah we have a handbook. Lets see ah, page 7. The rules.
1. We ARE customer service. The customer is the most important person in the store.
2. Never deal directly with livid customers. Always refer them to the manager.
Blah, blah, blah 8 more stupid rules Pencil in #11.
11. You MUST have the managers permission to leave the store while you are clocked in even if you're just throwing away a frickin' receipt! (She puts the handbook back in her pocket.)
(Enter little boy)
Little Boy: Hey lady! (gradually getting louder) Lady! LADY! (he's grabbing himself and squirming because he has to pee) Where's the potty?
Jessica: Oh we dont have one you have to go upstairs to the mall restrooms.
Little Boy: (he's shaking his head) NO! I gotta GO! RIGHT NOW!
Jessica: It's right up the stairs right here you go up the stairs and take a right
Little Boy: (interrupting her) I GOTTA GO POTTY, LADY!!!!
Jessica: Oh sweetheart here, I'll show you where it is. (She takes him by the hand and leads him to the store exit, but then she stops.)
Jessica: (she gasps) Rule #11! I can't leave the store!
Little Boy: Lady! I GOTTA GO POTTY!!! I can't hold it no more!
Jessica: Okay - PLEASE TRY! Just wait one more minute, okay?
Little Boy: (He squirms and whimpers as he tries to hold it.)
Jessica: (She turns around and picks up the imaginary phone.) Customer Service 2-7, please. Manager to Register 2. Thank you. (She hangs up the imaginary phone)
Little Boy: (The little boy is about to collapse, he has to pee so bad.) LADY!!!! Can we go now? I'm gonna WET myself!!!!
Jessica: (She doesn't know what to do. She tries to console him.) Just a minute! I'm sorry!
      (Enter Manager.)
Manager: (he looks around sternly) Yes?
Jessica: Okay this little boy has to go to the bathroom REALLY badly and he doesn't know where it is, so may I show him?
Manager: (he gives her a dirty look) What?!? Do you think I am paying you to help small children find the mall restroom?
Little Boy: (interrupting the manager) I GOTTA GO POTTY RIGHT NOW, MISTER!!!!!! (He turns around so his back is to the audience. He pours water down his pants.)
Manager: (still talking to Jessica and ignoring the little boy) You are on MY time clock and it is up to me to decide what you can and cannot do! You have to follow the rules, young lady, if you are going to succeed as a member of the Osco team!
Jessica: But he's going to wet himself!
Little Boy: (turn towards audience with wet spot on pants) I DID wet myself! (he sits down on the floor and starts to cry)
Jessica: (She throws up her hands in disgust.)
Manager: (The manager stares at the little boy, not knowing what to say or do.)
(Enter little boy's father. He's looking around for his son.)
Father: Davey? Where are you?
Little Boy: (between sobs) Daddy! I wet myself!
Father: (he runs up to the little boy) What?!? (he looks at Jessica and YELLS AT HER) Excuse me! (he bends over to help his son get up) Could you explain to me why my son is sitting in your store in a puddle of his own urine?!? Exactly what kind of an establishment are you running here?
Jessica: (She pulls out her handbook and reads aloud.) Lets see Rule #2. "Never deal directly with livid customers. Always refer them to the manager." (She looks up at the father.)
Father: (He is hugging his son with one arm and his other hand is on his hip. He's fumed.)
Jessica: Well, you seem pretty pissed off to me! Talk to him! (She points at the manager) He's the manager!
(Lights Down)
"Follow the rules, even if small children must soil themselves!" or "My New Job" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

"Follow the rules, even if small children must soil themselves!" or "My New Job" debuted April 7, 2000.

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