copyright © 2002 Paul Rust

"Prank Academy"

Written by Paul Rust

LIGHTS UP, PUTZ!

PROFESSOR FRANKLIN T. MONROE II stands behind a table. He’s got an old, craggy, British voice. He must be an old teacher!

PROFESSOR: Welcome, students, to your first class at the famed Prank Academy of Hatsforth Peak. My name is Professor Franklin T. Monroe II and I promise you that your time at Prank Academy will be both an educational as well as illuminating experience. But, before we begin class, I’d like to do what we call at the Prank Academy… "a role call." (looks down at script) First off, Campbell. Neil Campbell. Are you here, Neil Campbell? (pause) Hmpf. How unfortunate for Mr. Campbell that he should miss his first-ever class at the prestigious Prank Academy of Hatsforth Peak. So, now I will simply shift my eyes downward to the second name on the list, which is of course, Rust. Paul Rust. Are you here, Paul Rust? (pause) Double hmpf. How unfortunate for Mr. Rust that he, too, should be absent for his first-ever class at the prestigious Prank Academy of Hatsforth Peak. Now, instead of returning to the role call, I will continue speaking until I am rudely interrupted —

NEIL CAMPBELL abruptly enters stage left.

NEIL: Neil Campbell! At your service!

PAUL RUST enters stage left.

PAUL: Paul Rust! At your… cervix!

The two laugh uproariously.

NEIL and PAUL (together): The Two Troublemakers are here!

NEIL and PAUL high-five, then put there backs together and pose proudly.

PROFESSOR: (flustered) What on earth ---?! Why, I never ---!

NEIL: You never what?! Never got kissed by a girl?! Well, I ain’t surprised!

Neil and Paul high-five. Resume pose.

PROFESSOR: (doubly flustered) Now that is uncalled for! Hold on for one second!

PAUL: Hold on for a second, so you can NOT get kissed by a girl?! Sure thing, chump!

Neil and Paul high-five. Resume pose.

PROFESSOR: Listen here, you two rag-a-doo’s! I will not tolerate such insubordination! Take your seats now!

NEIL: (under his breath) Aye-aye, Professor Dork!

PROFESSOR: What did you say, Mr. Campbell?!

NEIL: Nothing, Professor Dork — I mean, Professor Douchebag — I mean, Professor Monroe.

PROFESSOR: Alright, alright. I’ve heard enough. Take your seats, you two.

Neil and Paul pick up their seats simultaneously.

NEIL and PAUL (together): Where should we take them?!

PROFESSOR: Sit down, you weisen-flemicks!

Neil and Paul sit down in their chairs. Professor takes a seat on the edge of the table. As the Professor sits down, Paul makes a fart sound with his mouth. Neil and Paul break out in laughter.

NEIL: Geeeze! Did you have to, Professor Monroe?! Or should I say… Professor Fart-roe?!

PAUL: No kidding! You must have ate a lot of beans today! Did you go to a Bean-Eating Contest before class or something?! Because the way you farted, I’m guessing you went to a Bean-Eating Contest before class or something!

Neil and Paul high-five.

PROFESSOR: Boys, you know very well that I did not fart, nor did I toot or butt-rumble.

Pause. Neil and Paul stare at Professor.

NEIL: (quietly, serious) Professor Monroe…

PAUL: (continuing Neil’s sentence) We hate to break it to you, but you’ve just been…

NEIL and PAUL: (together) Pranked by the Two Troublemakers!

Neil and Paul high-five.

NEIL: Ha ha ha! You should have seen the look on your face when we told you!

PAUL: Yeah! You were like, "What?! That was a prank?! You mean I wasn’t farting?!"

NEIL: God! You’re so fucking stupid!

PROFESSOR: Boys, for the sake of education, I’m going to ignore your behavior and continue with today’s lesson. (standing up from the table) But I’ll have you know that we here at the Prank Academy do not take kindly to practical jokes. With that said, we will now discuss the delicate art of doing things when people’s backs are turned.

Professor begins walking around the classroom with his back turned to Neil and Paul. They, of course, begin screwing around (making faces, flipping the naughty finger, etc.)

PROFESSOR: (walking around, back turned) The main thing to remember when doing things behind people’s backs is… secrecy. You cannot get caught. This is absolutely imperative. If, for some reason, the person should swiftly turn around…

Professor swiftly turns to face Neil and Paul. They quickly quit screwing around. Professor is oblivious to their actions.

PROFESSOR: … You must quickly stop what you are doing. (pause) Are you two paying attention?

NEIL: Yes.

PAUL: Of course.

PROFESSOR: Good. (turns his back again, Neil and Paul’s screwing around resumes) Quickly stopping what you are doing will not only keep you from getting caught, but it will also make for some hilarious comedy. There’s just something so funny about people being completely outrageous and then instantly stopping on a dime.

Again, Professor swiftly turns to face Neil and Paul. They stop on a dime.

PROFESSOR: Are you two listening?

NEIL: Surely.

PAUL: Absolutely-positively.

PROFESSOR: Then repeat back to me what I was saying.

NEIL: Okay… you were, uh… saying that the main thing to remember is secrecy.

PROFESSOR: Yes, the main thing to remember is secrecy.

NEIL: It is absolutely imperative.

PROFESSOR: Yes, it is absolutely imperative.

NEIL: And you constantly have a boner.

PROFESSOR: Yes, I constantly have a boner. Wait! What?! Well, I never —

PAUL: You never what?! Never touched a girl’s boob with your fingers?! I can believe that!

PROFESSOR: You two must settle down! Haven’t you been listening to me at all?!

PAUL: (seriously) No, I’m sorry, Professor Monroe. I haven’t. You see, I have this hearing aid… and it blocks out talking by douche-bags.

Silence.

PAUL: Gotcha! I don’t have a hearing aid like that!

NEIL: Sorry, Professor Monroe! You’ve just been ---

NEIL and PAUL(together): Pranked by the Two Troublemakers!

Neil and Paul high-five. Resume pose.

PAUL: We got you good! You should have seen your face!

NEIL: Yeah! It was like, "What? You mean you don’t have a hearing aid that blocks out talking by douche-bags?!"

PROFESSOR: Oh, I’ve had enough! Not in my 108 years here at the Prank Academy have I had to deal with two greater rag-a-doo’s! But I tell you what I’m going to do! I’m going to put you two in triple-secret detention, so you won’t be able to befoul this school anymore with your Tomfoolery or nincompoopery!

NEIL and PAUL (together): Ohhhh yeeeeah?!

NEIL: You may want to take back what you just said, Professor Kristallnacht!

Neil and Paul snap their fingers. COACH LADY, the female gym teacher, enters. Boy, is she angry!

COACH LADY: Professor Monroe! I am irate! Hear me?! Irate! My female students just reported to me that they found a surveillance camera hooked up in the locker room! And written on it was: "Neil and Paul’s Bonercam!" Who on earth did this?!

NEIL and PAUL: (locking hands and pointing at each other) Baaaabes!

MR. BARITONE, the choir teacher, enters stage left. Boy, is he angry, too!

BARITONE: Professor Monroe! A moment ago, I was leading the Prank Academy Boys’ Choir in a riveting rendition of "When Johnny Comes Marching Home Again"… when out of nowhere, their voices took a fevered pitch! To my chagrin, I discovered that the ventilation system was pumping in.... (voice suddenly rises)… pure helium!

NEIL and PAUL: (locking hands and pointing at each other) Noble gases!

NERD-ASS enters. Boy, is he angry as well!

NERD-ASS: (in the nerdiest voice possible) You won’t believe what just happened! I was in the computer lab, downloading RAM for my spreadsheet… when out of nowhere the computer monitor levitated in the air and landed on my fool-head!

NEIL and PAUL: (locking hands and pointing at each other) Telekinetic powers we gained from science experiment gone awry!

PROFESSOR: I’ve heard enough! I’ve heard enough! Neil and Paul, you two are hereby banished from the Prank Academy!

NEIL: What?! No fair! You can’t do this!

PAUL: Our parents were members of the Prank Academy! You can’t do this!

PROFESSOR: Oh yes, I can! You two are the most deplorable human beings I’ve ever had the misfortunate to teach! Your pranks are sophomoric and cheap! Do you have any sense of decency? Or maturity? Your friendship is one of the most immature I’ve ever witnessed! A relationship based solely on practical jokes and nonsense. Have you two even had a real conversation? About each other’s likes and dislikes? Hopes and dreams? Fears and desires? Paul, did you know that your friend Neil here cried himself to sleep every night in New York City because he missed you? (Paul looks at Neil, surprised) Or Neil, did you know that in a fit of jealousy over your new girlfriend, Paul slashed your car tires? (Neil looks at Paul, surprised) I thought not. You two have a lot of growing up to do. (beat) I’m giving you ten minutes to leave the Prank Academy.

Professor, Coach Lady, Baritone, and Nerd-Ass exit. Neil and Paul are left standing there - silently and awkwardly, avoiding each other’s glances. Long pause.

Neil makes a fart sound. Paul giggles and makes a fart sound, too. They chuckle.

NEIL: (awed, but wistfully) We’re the Two Troublemakers.

BLACKOUT.

"Prank Academy" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

"Prank Academy" debuted December 6, 2002, performed by Paul Rust, Neil Campbell, Mike Cassady, Aprille Clarke, Jason Nebergall, William Callahan.

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