"Parties Are For Everyone!"
Written by Paul Rust
HOUSE LIGHTS UP. STAGE LIGHTS STAY DOWN.
LEONARD and TONY are standing on top of the center aisle stairs.
Leonard: (said in children’s poetry fashion)
Ho! Ho! Ho!
Take a bath to get clean!
You sure can tell it’s
Halloween!
Audience Member: Halloween was yesterday!
Leonard: (to audience member) Shut up! (to Tony) Yes, sir, it sure is Halloween! The air is crisper. Leaves are falling to the ground. Everything smells like a pumpkin sat on it.
Tony: And don’t forget about the Halloween parties, Leonard!
Leonard: Ah, yes! The Holler-Leen parties!
Tony: No, seriously, Leonard. Don’t forget the Halloween party! We’re already ten minutes late!
Tony begins walking down the stairs to the stage, but Leonard stops him.
Leonard: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Wait! Just a! Minute! I’m not too sure I want to go to this Holler-Bean party.
Tony: Why? Are you sick? Do you have Lou Gehrig’s disease?
Leonard: Yes. I mean, no. I mean… oh, sheesh! I’m just… I’m just… I’m just so nervous!
Tony: Why in Heaven’s name are you so nervous, my fair lass?
Leonard: Well, I don’t know anybody at this Holla-gleen party. Everyone is your homie. And what if your homies don’t like me? I’d feel like some sort of… some sort of… I don’t know… fucking asshole dickhead.
Tony: Oh, that’s not true, Leonard. They’ll like you. Just be yourself.
Leonard: (incredibly angry) Just be my what?!
Tony: (unphased by anger) Just be yourself.
Leonard: Okay, okay. You go ahead. I’ll be right there. I just have to repeatedly tie and untie my shoes.
Tony walks down center aisle stairs and onto the stage.
Leonard: (aside to the audience) Oh, bucket upon bucket! What is I gonna’ do? (idea strikes him) Wait a sec…ond! I got just the thing to win over this party! (pulls out book from back pants pocket) It’s "101 Hilarious Halloween Jokes!" If I tell these, people are sure to think I’m the #1 person in the entire world.
Leonard puts the book back into his pocket, walks down the center aisle stairs, and onto the stage.
HOUSE LIGHTS DOWN. STAGE LIGHTS UP.
There’s a group of people onstage. Maybe 10? Perchance 15? Oh, dear! There may even be 18! They are scattered in groups — sitting at tables, leaning against walls, all that. It’s a party! And it’s fun! You can tell because they all have smiles on their faces.
Leonard goes to stand beside Tony.
Tony: (speaking to everyone) Hey, everybody! Quiet! Quiet! (people quiet down, the music is turned off) I want you all to meet my friend Leonard!
The partiers wave and say, "Hello" — normally.
Leonard: Hola, compadres!
The partiers roll their eyes and return to their conversations — much quieter.
Tony: Go ahead. Mingle. Get to know people. It’ll be fine.
Leonard nods and walks over to a group of people near stage left.
Leonard: Hey, dudes.
The group ignores him.
Leonard: You guys follow the Kansas City Royals?
More ignoring.
Leonard: I hear Bo Jackson’s the King of hitting baseballs far. I wonder what it’d be like to have his autograph.
Gosh! Even more ignoring! Leonard hangs his head in discouragement. Then, he remembers the joke book! He takes it out of his back pocket and begins reading.
Leonard: Hey, did you guys hear about Frankenstein’s monster? He decided what he wants written on his tombstone. It’ll say, "Here lies Frankenstein’s Monster. May he rest in pieces!"
Leonard laughs heartily. No one in the group does, however. In fact, they groan. Leonard walks over to center stage beside another group of people. He tries a new tactic.
Leonard: (like an African-American soul singer) How’s everybody doin’ tonight-ah?
They ignore him.
Leonard: You feelin’ good-ah?
More ignoring.
Leonard: Havin’ a good time-ah?
Sheesh! Again, more ignoring! Leonard breathes out, nods his head, and looks into the joke book.
Leonard: Did you guys hear about the werewolf who left home? His parents gave him a parting gift. A comb!
Leonard bursts out laughing. No one else in the group does though. Instead, they mumble angrily. They are getting mad. Down, but not beaten, Leonard walks to the next group on stage right, fully determined.
Leonard: Hey! How ‘bout some vampire jokes?
The group shoots him cold stares.
Leonard: What kind of dog does a vampire own? A blood hound!
Leonard laughs. The group is angry.
Leonard: Why does a vampire have no friends? Because he’s a pain in the neck!
Leonard laughs — desperately. The group is angrier.
Leonard: What do vampires do at eleven o’clock everyday? They take a coffin break!
Leonard is no longer even waiting for the partiers’ responses. He is just yelling jokes and laughing at them.
The group is so angry that they actually have to hold a member back from attacking Leonard.
Leonard: What’s a vampire’s favorite dance? The fang-dango!
Leonard begins an extended laugh — out of fear and insecurity. He is running around the room, yelling jokes and looking for any type of approval.
All of the partiers are angry at Leonard. They stare at him with their arms crossed, shaking their heads in disapproval.
Leonard: (rambling) What’s a vampire’s favorite sport? Bat-minton! What happened to the mad vampire? He went a little batty! Why did the vampire take up acting? Because it was in his blood!
Exhausted, Leonard braces himself against a table and takes deep breaths. Partier #1 approaches Tony.
Partier #1: Tony, why’d you invite this asshole?
Tony: I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I had no idea.
Partier #1: I mean, doesn’t he even realize that he’s at a Monster Party? These jokes are incredibly offensive to us.
Leonard suddenly lifts his head and looks around the room, shocked and amazed.
Leonard: This is a monster party?
Tony: Yes, Leonard! There’s monsters all around you! Couldn’t you tell?
Leonard: I thought they were in costumes!
Tony: No, Leonard! They’re my friends and because of you, they’re all offended!
Leonard: But I thought monster parties only existed in novelty songs and the daydreams of first grade boys.
Tony: No, Leonard, they exist in real life. For instance, here’s the Werewolf right now.
Werewolf steps forward.
Werewolf: (in a growly werewolf voice) I hope you’re happy with yourself. You think they’re just jokes, but they hurt! They hurt!
Tony: And there’s Frankenstein’s Monster.
Frankenstein’s Monster steps forward.
Frankenstein’s Monster: (in broken Frankenstein speech) You tell joke. You laugh. But Frankenstein cries. Frankenstein cries.
Tony: And don’t forget about Count Dracula.
Count Dracula steps forward.
Count Dracula: (in Transylvanian accent) I hope you’re proud of yourself, sir. I hope you feel better about who you are. Cutting down others for your own entertainment. It’s people like you that keep this country in the state that it is. It’s as if the past work of great men like Dr. Mummy Luther King, Jr. and Ghandi Zombie have taught us nothing about tolerance in our society. It’s jokes like yours that keep our monster children out of public schools. It’s jokes like yours that make ghosts ride in the back of the bus. It’s jokes like yours that make mummies drink from a different drinking fountain. Well, let me tell you how uninformed you are. When Werewolf left home, his parents did not give him a comb. They gave him a set of towels. Frankenstein’s tombstone will not read, "Rest in pieces," it will say, "Here lies a great man." And on a personal level, I and the other vampires are not jokes. Despite what your media tells you, we are not just Count Choculas and Bunniculas. We are human beings. All of us monsters are human beings.
So I have to ask you: why do you make these jokes? Since when was hate funny? When was hate funny?
Leonard: (remorsefully) Can I say something?
Count Dracula: I suppose.
Leonard: (weakly) Did you hear about the witch who can’t get pregnant? Her husband had a "hollow weenie."
Complete silence and evil stares.
Tony: Get out of here, Leonard.
Leonard: But —
Tony: Out.
Leonard nods solemnly and exits.
Tony: I’m sorry, guys.
Partiers: (pick a phrase) It’s no big deal. / It’s not your fault. / People are that way.
Tony: Hey, how about we order some food, eh? What sounds good?
Werewolf: How about Chinese?
Tony: (slanting his eyes with his fingers and bowing repeatedly, impersonating a Chinese person) That sounds rike a rearry, rearry good idea!
All the monsters laugh. Hard. A lot.
Hold for fifteen seconds. BLACKOUT.
"Parties are for Everyone!" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"Parties are for Everyone!" debuted November 1, 2002, performed by Paul Rust, Jamal River, Jake Livermore, Steve Heuertz, Chris Stangl.
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