Written by Paul Rust

PAUL:

Hello, everyone. I’m Paul Rust, a writer and performer here at No Shame Theatre. This summer, I wrote many scripts, which I planned to perform this semester at No Shame. Some of them were funny, some of them dramatic, but all of them brilliant.

In fact, I was going to perform one of the particularly brilliant sketches tonight. (walks over to table, picks up the script, and displays it to the audience) It was called "Baby Eats Too Much Cake." (sets script back down on table) In it, I was going to play a very mischievous infant… (Paul begins laughing at his own idea) … who eats this entire cake… (Paul’s laughter grows to the point where he can no longer speak intelligibly). Well, let me assure you… it was a-brilliant.

And so I printed out this script and headed over to the theatre building, but on my way there, I realized my car was very low on automobile fuel. So I pulled over to the nearest automobile fueling station and began to "fill ‘er up."

And that’s when I saw it. It was this homeless man… sitting by a garbage dumpster, whistling a tune. He was whistling that beloved classic "Somewhere Over That Rainbow" from the popular film "A Wizard of Oz is Here." I shall never forget the beauty of that scene. The juxtaposition between social injustice and hopeful optimism was a glorious sight. And when I saw that so much beauty could be found in real life, that’s when I realized that I would not be performing something so fake as "Baby Eats Too Much Cake" tonight at No Shame Theatre.

Instead, I’m going to show you real life. No pre-written script. No artificial behavior. No… lies. Just real life staring you right in the face. All its’ warts… and all its’ beauty.

So I need two volunteers from the audience — a boy and a girl — to come down on stage. (No Shame regular Jamal River stands up, Paul looks at him) No, Jamal, this isn’t some stupid, made-up sketch. I don’t want a No Shame regular. I know that maybe a difficult concept for you to grasp, but it’s true. I need real people.

(To girl) What’s your name? (Girl responds) Suzy? Oh, that’s great. That’s a real, real-life name. (To boy) And what’s yours? (Boy responds, Paul makes a disgusted face). Hmmm. That’ll do. I mean, I don’t like it, but that’s the whole point, right? It’s real life.

(Paul examines Joe and Suzy) Oh, this is great. See, neither of you are very attractive, so it’s perfect. Because that’s what real life is. It’s not your George Clooneys or your Jennifer Love-Hewitts or your Eddie Murphys. It is bad acne and greasy hair and out-of-shape bodies. You two are gonna’ be great.

So what I’m going to do is… I’m just going to sit out here in the audience and… do nothing. And you… you do whatever! I mean, that’s what this is all about. It’s real life here.

(Paul sits in the center aisle, near stage. The volunteers stand onstage. Ideally, they will feel awkward and not say much. After the initial encouragement of saying, "Just be yourself. Be real-life," Paul will fall silent. He then waits until the situation becomes uncomfortable — and then waits a few more seconds until…)

(Paul enters back onstage) That’s okay, that’s okay. This is great. This is what I wanted. Real life has awkward silences. Real life has stale dialogue. Real life has ugly people.

(Paul turns and addresses audience) So just pay attention, ladies and gentlemen. What you’re seeing right now is truth. Not your truth. Not my truth. Not Eddie Murphy’s truth. Truth-truth.

It’s trailer parks and Wal-Marts. It’s Pabst Blue Ribbon and baked beans. (passionately pumping fist into other hand) It’s blue-collar workers and the common man. (disgusted) I mean, it’s nothing I personally like, but it’s got that down-to-earth quality I admire. It’s the beauty of life… brought to you by me.

Having said that... there’s a fine line between real life and being incredibly fucking boring. So, I’m just gonna’ break a little rule for the sake of the audience. What I’ll do is I’ll put you two in a situation that’s very similar to real life. That way, we can still see real people with real problems, learn something about each other, who we are, blah blah blah.

(To Suzy) Okay, Suzy, here’s the situation… you live in an apartment and your room is right next to Joe’s (shudders at awful name). And Joe keeps playing his music too loud, so you’ve just knocked on his door and he’s answered it and now you’ve got to tell him to turn it down. (directing them) And… go!

(Paul takes a seat onstage, intensely studying the two volunteers. Expectedly, Joe and Suzy fail miserably when trying to perform this given scenario. Paul butts in.)

(Bluntly) All right. You two suck at real-life.

I don’t know what your problem is. I mean, this scenario is so easy to approach. For instance, Suzy, all you’d have to say is… (Paul begins to jump back and forth, playing Suzy and Joe’s roles)... "Hey, Joe, your music’s too loud." And then Joe, you’d say, "No, it isn’t. Uh, shut up. I can play my music as loud as I want. Word up." And Suzy, you’d be like, "I don’t think so. You’re being disruptive. I’m trying to, uh, read one of my, uh, favorite works of literature." And Joe, you’d be all like, "Uh... um…"

(Running back and forth between Joe and Suzy) And then, Joe, you’d say, "I don’t have to turn down my music ‘cuz… (looks down at script in hand)… I’m a baby! And I ate too much cake!" And Suzy, you’re his mom and you’re like, "You gotta’ turn down your music! (looks down at script) And you ate too much cake?! Oh, dear! We gotta take you to the hospital!"

(Paul looks at Joe and Suzy rudely) Um, you guys can just go back to your seats now. (angrily) Leave. Now. (They exit stage)

(Paul resumes - running around stage, doing each character) And then the baby’s like, "I shouldn’t have eaten all that cake! Now I’m sick!" And then the doctor’s like, "How’d he eat all that cake anyway?" And then the mom says, "You know babies, doctor! All they do anymore is eat cake!" And then the baby’s like, "Doctor! Doctor! I think I just pooped my diapers!"

(To the audience as he laughs) He said, "I pooped my diapers!" (laughing) You can’t beat that, people! You can’t beat that!

"Baby Eats Too Much Cake" debuted September 6, 2002, performed by Paul Rust & volunteers from the audience.

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