Scott: Listen, McMahon, I don’t care if you are the Lieutenant! You are not pairing me with some renegade rookie! I’ve been on this case for far too long for you to just throw somebody else into the mix! A detective needs to be alone! Things are better off if I’m alone! I’m happy alone!

Mom (off-stage voice interrupting his make-believe film scene): Scotty!

Scott (slightly annoyed): What, mom?

Mom: Scotty!

Scott (more annoyed): What, mom?!

Mom: A friend’s here to see you!

Mom: She’s coming up!

Scott: What… What are… What are you… Why?

Dana (considerably more calm): Hi, Scott.

Scott: What are you… what…

Dana: What am I doing here?

Dana: I thought I’d drop by… and apologize about your bike. Sorry I ran over it.

Dana: I’m sorry I ran over your bike with my car, Scott.

Scott: Well, that’s okay, Dana. I mean, it’s not a big deal. I don’t mind. It’s not a big deal.

Dana: It’s a good thing you jumped off it.

Dana: I’m just so dumb. I didn’t even see you when I backed up.

Scott: Well, that’s okay. My clothes weren’t very bright. It’s my fault. It’s more my fault than it is yours.

Dana: Are you okay?

Scott: Yeah, I’m fine.

Dana: What about that bandage on your hand?

Scott: Oh, that. I got some stitches.

Dana: You did?

Scott: I fell onto some broken glass when I jumped off my bike.

Dana: Oh, my God.

Scott: It’s no big deal though. It’s only four stiches.

Dana: Oh, my God.

Scott: Fourteen stitches, I mean. Sorry. Fourteen stitches.

Dana: Shit. Shit. Shit. I’m going to be in so much trouble. My dad said that if I get in one more accident, he’s going to suspend my driving privileges. That means I won’t get to drive anywhere. Do you know how awful that’d be?

Dana: Well, it’d be awful, I can assure you.

Scott: Well… what if… what if you just didn’t tell your dad what happened?

Dana: I could, but… your parents have probably already called their insurance agent and explained what happened. And they’ll probably contact my dad’s insurance agent and then he’ll find about it and then I’ll get in trouble.

Scott: I didn’t tell my parents about you.

Dana: What?

Scott: I didn’t tell my parents about you. I told them I ran my bike into a garbage dumpster and when I fell off, I cut my hand on some glass.

Dana (getting hopeful): That’s the worst lie I’ve ever heard.

Scott: Well, they believed it.

Dana (hopeful): They believed it? Really? They did?

Scott: Yes.

Dana (joyously): Oh, God! That’s so good to hear!

Scott: I am… I am having my doubts though.

Dana: What do you mean?

Scott: I don’t like lying to my parents. I think… I think I’m going to tell them the truth.

Dana: Well, if you think that’s right.

Scott: I do. I mean, I think I do.

Dana: Scott? Why’d you even lie to them to begin with?

Scott: Because… I knew about your dad beforehand. I knew he’d take away your car if you got in another accident.

Dana: Well, how did you —

Scott: I heard you telling your friends in the lunchroom.

Dana: Oh.

Scott: I sit at the lunch table next to yours. Remember?

Dana (struggling): Oh, yeah. The table to my left, right?

Scott: No, behind you. I sit behind you.

Dana: I see you got a lot of movie posters on your wall. Do you like movies?

Scott: Yes.

Scott: I like to write movies, too.

Dana: You do?

Scott: Yeah, I write scripts for movies.

Dana: Well, that’s cool.

Scott: It’s kind of a hobby.

Dana: How many have you written?

Scott: Um, I don’t know… about seventy.

Dana: Really? Seventy movies?

Scott: Sixty-eight. Sixty-eight, to be exact.

Dana: Wow, sixty-eight movies. What kind?

Scott: What do you mean? Like genre?

Dana (not entirely sure what "genre" is): Yeah.

Scott: I don’t know. I write any genre. I’ve written science fiction and western and drama and action. This one action movie I wrote was called "Sea Badge" and it was about a cop named Charlie McReardon who flies a helicopter underwater.

Dana: Have you written a comedy?

Scott: And while he’s down there, this hologram shark comes out and —

Dana: Scott! Have you written a comedy?

Scott: A comedy? Yeah, I’ve written a couple.

Dana: Have you ever written a romantic comedy?

Scott (truthfully): Um… yeah. I wrote one.

Dana: I love romantic comedies. Do you?

Scott: Uh... yeah. They’re pretty cool, I guess.

Dana: What was yours called?

Scott: It was called… "Love is Crazy."

Dana: Could I read it?

Scott: All right.

Dana: Would you mind… would you mind reading this aloud with me?

Scott: Do you want to?

Dana: Yeah, I think I could appreciate more if it was read aloud.

Scott: Okay.

Scott (reading from the screenplay): Scene 54 — external — the windmill — night. (in a southern accent) Miss Parker, you are downright crazy to propose such a thing! We could never make it! Why, I’m just a poor Country boy and you’re… why, you’re the mayor’s daughter!

Dana (reading from the screenplay — not in a southern accent): But that’s why I like you, Jeffrey. You’re quiet and smart and actually care about me — not like those jock guys in our high school.

Scott (reading from the screenplay): Well, I do care about you, that’s for sure. I’ve always pined for you from afar. In fact, I think… (southern accent drops)… I think I love you, Miss Parker.

Dana (reading from the screenplay): I think I love you, too, Jeffrey.

Scott: And it says here that they kiss, but we don’t —

Dana: I’m really sorry I ran over your bike today, Scott.

Scott: That’s okay, Dana.

Dana: So, do you think you’ll tell your parents the truth?

Scott: Get out.

Dana: What?

Scott: Get out of here.

Dana: Scott, I didn’t mean it that way. I was just asking —

Scott: Get the fuck out of here!

Scott: Listen, McMahon, I don’t care if you are the Lieutenant. You are not pairing me with some renegade rookie. I’ve been on this case for far too long for you to just throw somebody else into the mix. A detective needs to be alone. Things are better off if I’m alone. I’m happy alone.

"Sea Badge" debuted April 5, 2002, performed by Paul Rust & Aprille Clarke

Performed at Best of No Shame on May 3, 2002.

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