"Hi, Mommy!"
by Paul Rust
Paul Rust (me!) walks onto center stage.
Paul: Hi, everybody. Tonight, a very special person is sitting in this theatre tonight. And no, it’s not that guy (points at a random audience member). It’s my mother. And I’d like you to meet her. Would you like to meet her? (wait for reaction — any sort) Mom, could you please come down here?
Mom (my real mom!) comes out of the audience, steps on stage.
Paul: You can sit right here.
Paul points to a chair, mom sits down.
Paul: Now, this is my mom’s first time at No Shame. When she originally told me that she and my sister Amy were coming to visit me in Iowa City, I asked her if she would like to come to No Shame, too. She said yes, but on one condition: I couldn’t do anything that would embarrass her or make her feel ashamed. So, tonight, I’m going to do some material that maybe you delinquents and degenerates might not think is very funny, but I know my mom will find very amusing indeed. It’s something I like to call, "Mommy Patrol."
Paul clears his throat and delivers each "punchline" with every bit of schmaltz he’s got.
Paul: Greetings, I’m Officer Mommy and this is Lieutenant Mommy (motion towards Mom) and we’re on… Mommy Patrol! We’re here to help you! To protect and to serve… and to read bedtime stories!
Jim enters onto stage left.
Jim (stage whisper, trying to get my attention): Hey, Paul.
Paul (not noticing Jim): At night, to watch over you, we patrol your streets… in a minivan!
Jim (stage whisper): Paul. Psssst. Paul.
Paul (trying to ignore Jim): On Mommy Patrol, we carry all the essentials: a nightstick, a tazer, a spatula.
Jim (stage whisper): Paaaaaul!
Paul (addressing Jim): Can I help you?
Jim: Yeah. Do something outrageous.
Paul: Look, I’m trying to do a piece here called the Mommy Patrol. And it’s brilliant, so if you could please leave…
Jim: Do something outrageous.
Paul: I’m sorry, but I can’t.
Jim: Do it.
Paul: I can’t. (glancing at mom) I just can’t.
Jim: Here, I’ll give you five dollars… (takes money out of pocket) … I’ll give you five dollars if you hump a chair.
Paul: No. Leave me alone.
Jim grabs a chair and points at it.
Jim: Five whole dollars to hump this chair.
Paul: Go away.
Jim: You just have to lay on it and bounce your butt up and down. It’ll be hilarious.
Paul: Get out of here!
Jim (taken aback): Fine. I’ll go. (Beat) Geeze, Rust, you’ve changed. You used to hump chairs just for the thrill of it. Now look at you. All you do anymore is not hump chairs. You make me sick. I’ll see you around, you goddamn phony.
Jim exits.
Paul: Sorry, mom. Where we were? (looks at script) Okay, yes. Oh no, Lieutenant Mommy, looks like we got a 5-90 in progress! "Assault with a dirty diaper!"
Toothpick Muldoon, a very cool Fonzie-esque man, enters stage right.
Toothpick Muldoon (stage whisper, trying to get my attention): Yo, Paul. Pssst. Pauly boy.
Paul: In Mommy Patrol, you need to use authority. (addressing imaginary figure in audience) Hey, you! Put your hands up, lay down on the ground… and wipe your feet! You’re tracking mud all over the place! This is why we can’t have nice things!
Toothpick Muldoon (stage whisper): Yo, Paul.
Paul (addressing Toothpick Muldoon): Now what?!
Toothpick Muldoon: Hey, settle down there, Hot-pants. I’m Toothpick Muldoon, president of the Cool Kids Association.
Paul (in shock, delight): Toothpick Muldoon!
Toothpick Muldoon: In the flesh. Listen, kid, I like your style. You seem like a real hep cat. How would you like to be a member of the Cool Kids Association?
Paul: I’d love to!
Toothpick Muldoon: Great. All you have to do is say "penis and vagina" five times.
Paul: What?!
Toothpick Muldoon: Say "penis and vagina" five times and you’ll be in like flint.
Paul: But I… (looks at mom)… I can’t.
Toothpick Muldoon: Don’t you want to be in the Cool Kids Association? A lifetime supply of Cherry Coke? Unlimited video games? Wallets with chains that hook to your pants?
Paul pauses, considers all this.
Paul: No, I can’t do it.
Toothpick Muldoon: Your loss, L-7.
Toothpick Muldoon exits. Paul looks at his script, breathes out, feeling labored.
Paul (mood slightly darker, joylessly): On Mommy Patrol, we issue many punishments. Criminals can be fined or arrested… or sent to their room without dinner.
God enters on stage left.
God (in a resounding, God-like voice): Paul!
Paul begins turning around to see who it is.
Paul: Now who could this… (fully turned around, seeing God)… beeeee?! Oh, my God! It’s… God, maker of heaven and earth!
God: Egg-sactly! And I am here to ask you a favor!
Paul: Ask me a favor?! What on earth?! (with "aw, shucks" self-pity) Why, I’m just a mere mortal, the lowly son of a carpenter.
God: Paul, the world is in dire need of a savior — someone who will die for their sins! I want you to be my Messiah! Are you extreme enough to take the challenge?!
Paul: I don’t —
God: Paul! Do not anger me or I will cry like a baby does when it is sad! Like a baby does when it is sad, Paul! Like a baby does when it is saaaaad!
Paul: Okay, okay. I’ll be the next Messiah. Sheesh. So what do you want me to do?
God: Moon the audience.
Paul (nervously looking at his mother): What? No.
God: Moon the audience!
Paul (nervously looking at his mother): No, I can’t.
God: Paul, you better moon that audience for the entire fate of the world rests on your ass!
Paul falls to the stage, crying. The song "Gethsemane" from Jesus Christ Superstar begins. Paul sings a few lines:
God, thy will is hard,
But you hold every card.
I will drink your cup of poison.
Nail me to the cross and break me.
Bleed me, Beat me, Kill me
Take me now - before I change my mind !
Paul falls to the ground, paralyzed by his own passion. Eventually, he composes himself.
Paul: Fine, I will moon the audience. Thy will be done.
Paul turns his back to the audience and grabs hold of his waistband. There is a moment of anticipation. Paul looks at his mother, then turns to God. Over and over again with growing tension until…
Paul (crying): I can’t do it! I can’t do it!
Paul runs away in tears. God’s following line is said slowly with pride and dignity.
God: He passed the test. My stars. The boy passed the test. He would rather have the entire world end than see his own mother be embarrassed and ashamed. (approaches mom) You have a great son, Mrs. Rust. A truly virtuous, devoted son. (puts arm around mom’s shoulder) Maybe there’s hope for this world after all.
Paul enters with shorts hiked up to his chest. He is walking in what could be considered "a silly walk" and pointing at his genitals and butt.
Paul: You made me, mommy! You made me! You made me!
BLACKOUT.
"Hi, Mommy!" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"Hi, Mommy!" debuted March 29, 2002, performed by P Rust, Mrs. Rust, S Heuertz, AJM River, J Erwin.
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