"No Stale Juh"
written by Paul Rust
The Narrator of this sketchy-sketch stands on stage-left. He will run to different spots every time he speaks. His voice resembles those narrators from the old-timey newsreels.
With the exception of the Narrator, there are only two other actors in this sketch. These two portray all the characters. One actor portrays all the names starting with "B" and the other - all names starting with "J." Their body movements should resemble the animated, jumpy feeling of old-timey newsreels. They also speak fast — real fast.
In the beginning, Bonnie and Jenny stand center stage. Kick it!
NARRATOR: Dateline: 1998. In a suburban Michigan bedroom, two fourteen year-old girls discuss what current pop songs are really tickling their fancy! Tickle-tickle, girls! We won’t tell the Governor!
BONNIE: Hey, Jenny, guess what I heard at Orange Julius today?
JENNY: Hmmm, let me guess… your stomach growling?!
BONNIE: Very funny, Barf-face! No, what I really heard was that new "Grease Megamix!"
JENNY: Oh, I love that song! In fact, I think I love the movie "Grease" all together!
BONNIE: So do I! That movie’s so kickin’!
JENNY: Everything from the 70’s is kickin’… to the max! Leisure suits and discos.
BONNIE: Bell bottoms and perms.
JENNY and BONNIE (together): We love the 70’s!
Jenny and Bonnie exit scrambling.
NARRATOR: Dateline: 1978. In suburban Washington, two young males stand in line outside a movie theatre. They’re waiting to see the big hit "Grease!" Go see the movie, boys, and don’t forget to brush your cottontails on the way home! Gabba-gee!
As Narrator is speaking, Brad and Josh enter. On center stage, they stand in a line facing stage left.
BRAD: Hey, Josh, did you bring marijuana?! During the movie, let’s smoke marijuana!
JOSH: Good plan, Brad! I love to smoke marijuana — especially when it makes me high!
BRAD: Josh, I heard that at the end of "Grease," Olivia-Newton John wears a tight outfit and you can see her milk-factories. And yes, Josh, her milk-factories are larger than most average-sized milk factories!
The two high-five.
JOSH: I heard that, too! I hope it’s true! It’s gonna’ be hot… especially when I’m high on this marijuana!
BRAD: It’s weird. I didn’t think girls had big breast-tits in the 50’s, Josh.
JOSH: Are you high on this marijuana we’re smoking, Brad?! In the 50’s, that’s when breast-tit-jug-jug-boob-tits were at their biggest!
BRAD: Well then! I wish I lived during the 50’s! It’d be fantastic! Leather jackets and rock- n-roll!
JOSH: Drag races and pompadours!
BRAD and JOSH (together): We love the 50’s! Now, let’s go smoke marijuana until we’re high from smoking it!
Brad and Josh exit scrambling.
NARRATOR: Dateline: 1958! In a suburban Indiana kitchen, two mothers chat over coffee! What brand of coffee are you drinking, ladies?! Inquiring minds want to know! (suddenly angry) And goddammit, they’ll kill for the answers!
As Narrator is speaking, Beatrice and Janet enter. They take two seats on center stage.
BEATRICE: I hate rock-n-roll! I don’t understand any of it!
JANET: Neither do I! Loud music and crazy rhythms! That’s all it is!
BEATRICE: I wish we could go back to the 30’s! When music was calm and I didn’t fear a nuclear holocaust!
JANET: When kids respected their elders and didn’t fuck each other constantly!
BEATRICE and JANET (together): Come back, sweet 30’s! Pull us from the wreckage!
Beatrice and Janet exit scrambling.
NARRATOR: Dateline: 1938! In rural Oklahoma, two old men die beside a pick-up truck! Live and let live, boys! And while you’re at it, putt a shippy-ship on the doo-doo!
As Narrator is speaking, Barney and John enter. They sit center stage.
BARNEY: Dear god, kill me before the starvation does!
JIM: I constantly eat dirt and suck milk from pregnant women’s milk-factories!
BARNEY and JIM (together): Sweet Jesus Okie! If only it was 1918!
Barney and Jim exit scrambling.
NARRATOR: Dateline: 1918! In wasteland Pangea, two cavemen named Brick and Jeremy are chased by dinosaurs! Say hello to the Flintstones for me, boys! They owe me five stegosaurus burgers! Lack-attack, Jacky-Jack!
Right after Narrator says this, Brick and Jeremy enter frantically and run around the stage as they yell their lines.
BRICK: Stone! Rock! Fire! Dinosaur eat me!
JEREMY: Fire! Stone! Rock! Wheel not discovered yet!
Brick and Jeremy stop. Moment of silence.
JEREMY: Hey, Brick, have you ever thought about the future? I don’t know, let’s say… (look out to audience)… February 1st, 2002… (quit looking at audience)… maybe then, times will be better. Maybe then, we wouldn’t be chased by dinosaurs or have to worry about angering the God of Fur.
BRICK: Yes, Jeremy, maybe on this arbitrary date of…. (look out to audience) February 1st, 2002… (quit looking at audience)… the world will be a perfect place.
NARRATOR enters Brick and Jeremy’s space. They listen to him intently.
NARRATOR: Dateline: February 1st, 2002. The Daily Iowan, pg. 2 reports that "a 13-year-old girl was arrested and charged Wednesday with committing an unspecified sex act on a 4-year-old boy."
Beat.
Narrator, Brick, and Jeremy all cheer.
BLACKOUT.
"No Stale Juh" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"No Stale Juh" debuted February 1, 2002, performed by Paul Rust, Mike Cassady, Chris Stangl.
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