Roast Beef
Written by Paul Rust
How is this stage set? There’s a table in the center representing a podium. There are three chairs on each side. On one side, CHRIS STANGL, STEVE HEUERTZ, and JASON NEBERGALL are seated. On the other side, NEIL CAMPBELL, PAUL RUST, and a random audience member are seated.
At the very beginning, CHRIS STANGL is standing at the table/podium.
CHRIS STANGL:
Trust me on this one, folks. Neil Campbell’s clothes are so out of style that just this morning, I saw him wearing chain-mail!
The five people seated all laugh hysterically – even Neil! In fact, he nods his head in a, "It’s true. It’s true." manner.
CHRIS STANGL:
But I love you, Neil. I really, really do. It’s just that you’re such a bad driver. I’m tellin’ ya’, folks… Neil only has three speeds: fast, faster, and… warp speed ahead!
Again, there’s uproarious laughter.
CHRIS STANGL:
But we love you, Neil. We really, really do. And I guess that’s why we’re roasting you tonight. In our own weird way, we’re showing you how much we appreciate what you’ve done. We’re going to miss you, buddy. We really, really will… even if you are a lazy bastard!
Laughter!
CHRIS STANGL:
Thank you, thank you. Now, welcome a good friend of mine, Paul Rust.
CHRIS STANGL leaves the podium and takes his seat.
PAUL RUST:
Thanks, Chris. And thank you, Neil, for having me at your roast. It truly is an honor. Neil, there is no way I can verbalize how much you mean to me… or to any of us, for that matter. You are an incredibly gifted writer and performer whose brought us joy and laughter. And because of that, you’ve ultimately made us better people. Thank you, Neil. Thank you. I wish you nothing, but success and happiness in the future.
PAUL RUST sits back down beside NEIL CAMPBELL. There is an uncomfortable moment of silence.
NEIL CAMPBELL:
What was that?
PAUL RUST:
What was what?
NEIL CAMPBELL:
What you just said.
PAUL RUST:
That, my friend, was a token of my gratitude.
NEIL CAMPBELL:
… but, Paul, this is a roast.
PAUL RUST:
I know.
NEIL CAMPBELL:
Do you know what a roast is?
PAUL RUST:
… Yes.
NEIL CAMPBELL:
What is it?
PAUL RUST:
It’s a… it’s a… good time all around.
NEIL CAMPBELL:
You have no idea what a roast is!
PAUL RUST:
Okay, so I don’t. What’s the big deal?!
Beat.
PAUL RUST: (shyly)
Could you… tell me what a roast is?
NEIL CAMPBELL:
Fine. A roast is sort of a… a tribute. It’s when people get together to alternately praise and insult their friend who’s the honoree. Tonight, I’m the honoree. And you’re supposed to insult me.
PAUL RUST:
I couldn’t do that, Neil. You’re too nice. And I wouldn’t want to make you upset.
NEIL CAMPBELL:
I’ll be upset if you don’t roast me, you fag!
PAUL RUST:
Oh… okay. Let the roastin’ begin!
PAUL RUST returns to the podium.
PAUL RUST:
Well, ladies and gentlemen, let me tell you a little something about Neil Campbell. He’s a nice guy and all, but… he’s a little too nice. Sometimes, he’s so friendly and generous that it gets to be too much. Neil, you’re going to have to learn to quit being so nice.
PAUL RUST begins to leave the podium, but is stopped by NEIL CAMPBELL’s following comment.
NEIL CAMPBELL: (from his seat beside the podium):
Goddamnit, Paul! That’s not an insult! Insult me!
PAUL RUST:
I can’t, Neil. I can’t.
NEIL CAMPBELL:
Say something about me that’s offensive.
PAUL RUST:
Okay. (pause) Hey, Neil, I got some watermelons. I bet you want one because you’re black.
NEIL CAMPBELL:
Jesus Christ, Paul! Say something about me that’s offensive and actually pertains to my own skin color.
PAUL RUST:
Um, all right. Neil’s so white that… that he…
NEIL CAMPBELL:
… yes?
PAUL RUST:
He wears chain-mail and drives fast.
NEIL CAMPBELL groans in frustration.
NEIL CAMPBELL:
Can’t you do anything right?
NEIL CAMPBELL stands up, pushes PAUL RUST aside, and takes over the podium.
NEIL CAMPBELL:
There’s so much you could roast me about! You could say, "Hey, Neil, congratulations on being a whore for laughs at No Shame and having no respect for your characters or you own self-dignity!" Or you could say, "Hey, Neil, I love how you play that same kid character over and over and over again!"?
PAUL RUST:
Come on, Neil…
NEIL CAMPBELL gets in PAUL RUST’s face.
NEIL CAMPBELL:
No, Paul! I want you to insult me!
PAUL RUST:
Neil?
NEIL CAMPBELL:
Insult me, you cocksucker!
PAUL RUST:
Neil, I couldn’t ---
NEIL CAMPBELL:
I’ll give you fifteen seconds to insult me or I’ll beat the living shit out of you!
PAUL RUST fearfully backs away from NEIL CAMPBELL.
PAUL RUST:
Fine! Fine! I’ll insult you!
PAUL RUST breathes out and readies himself.
PAUL RUST:
You killed mom.
NEIL CAMPBELL:
Don’t you dare say that.
PAUL RUST:
You killed mom.
NEIL CAMPBELL:
How dare you say that?!
PAUL RUST:
You killed mom!
NEIL CAMPBELL:
Liar! I did not kill your mother!
PAUL RUST:
Oh, you may not have killed her directly, dad, but there’s a reason she killed herself. You drove her to it!
NEIL CAMPBELL:
Shut your goddamn mouth!
PAUL RUST:
You drove her to it with your booze and your abuse and your anger!
NEIL CAMPBELL:
To hell with you! You’re not my son anymore! Get out of my house!
Beat. The storm has passed.
PAUL RUST:
You know what? I’ve been waiting years for you to say that.
PAUL RUST calmly steps away until he reaches far stage left.
PAUL RUST:
Dad… you are a pathetic, old man. I hope you burn in hell. I hope. You burn. In hell.
PAUL RUST exits.
NEIL CAMPBELL: (calling out to me)
Hey, son! Son! That was great! But now is when you come back on stage and show how you were just joking around! That’s what you do at roasts!
Longish pause.
NEIL CAMPBELL:
Son?
BLACKOUT.
"Roast Beef" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"Roast Beef" debuted December 7, 2001, performed by Chris Stangl, Steve Heuertz, and Jason Nebergall, Neil Campbell, Paul Rust and a random audience member.
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