"Cheer If You Love Anything"
written by Paul Rust
I, Paul Rust, run around the theatre high-fiving the audience. After this, run down the center aisle onto stage right.
Paul: (joyously)
How’s everybody doing tonight?! Come on! Let me hear! How are all of you doing tonight?! Louder! Louder! How about you people in the back?! Alright! Great! Woooh!
Good, good. I’m feeling great, too. I really, really am. There’s only one thing that’s got me down tonight. And it’s three little words: (count words on fingers) Mary Sue Coleman. Am I right? Am I right? Huh? Am I right? Let me hear you. Hey, I got a deal for you, Mary Sue. You can hike up our tuition on one condition. You pay the bill! Huh? Am I right?! (take out wallet) You pay the bill, Mary! You pay the bill!
Mary’s not the only problem on this campus. No, it’s not the budget cuts. It’s not the drinking debate. It’s one thing… frat boys! Am I right?! I think that Taco Bell Chihuahua would say, "No quiero frat boys!" Am I right?! How many of you hate frats?! Let me hear you! Yeah, me, too!
The University of Iowa isn’t the only place with problems, however. This entire country has got issues. You know, I got a theory about who the real criminals in this country are… Republicans! Am I right? Let me hear you. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about.
I remember the good, ol’ days of the Clinton Administration – even counting that whole Monica Lewinsky thing. Luckily, Monica found work after that whole scandal. She got a promotion at her job… (delivered in the smarmiest, most Jay Leno way) official BJ-giver.
No, no, no. I’m just kidding. She didn’t get that job. She did, however, write a successful book. She used the money to buy a new car. I forget the model of the car though. I think it was… an official BJ-giver.
No, no, no. I’m just kidding. (pause) She didn’t buy a car. She did, however, endorse some products and made a lot of money that way. Yeah, one of the products was… the official BJ-giver.
Walk to stage left, pause, and scream irritatingly for 45 seconds. Then, trot out into the audience (the right side).
How many of you hate the Backstreet Boys? Yeah! Yeah! Am I right? Aren’t these guys awful?! Next time they go out on a World Tour, we should put signs on the borders of our country that say, "N.B.B.A." No Backstreet Boys allowed! Am I right? Am I right? Yeah!
Walk to the left side of the audience, scream into a random audience member’s face for 30 seconds, and return to the right side of the audience.
Now I know there’s one thing we can all agree on… who here likes to drink? Let me hear you! Let me hear you!
Return to the left side of the audience and moon audience. Then, proceed to put your bare bottom as close to an audience member as possible – all the while, screaming.
Return to right side of the audience.
Racism’s disgusting. (applaud slowly) Am I right? Who agrees with me on this one?
Return once more to the left side of the audience, force a random audience member to stand up, and start pushing/lightly hitting them. Again, while screaming.
Run back onto center stage while giving the audience the middle finger. For the next few lines, contort the right and left sides of your body (according to the stage directions) – as if your body’s being split apart.
(right) Mary Sue Coleman! (left, scream, right) Republicans! (left, scream, right) Official BJ-giver! (left, sceam, fall down, shaking violently)
Stand up, compose yourself, and calmly say to the audience…
This is when you applaud in approval.
BLACKOUT.
"Cheer If You Love Anything" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"Cheer If You Love Anything" debuted November 30, 2001, performed by Paul Rust.
Library]
