"Amazing Tales of the Astonishing" written by Paul Rust
Strength Man and Professor Madcap stand center stage.
MADCAP: Strength Man! How on earth did you find my secret lair?!
STRENGTH: It was simple, Professor Madcap. I used my digital locator.
MADCAP: Didn’t your mother ever teach you not to come uninvited, Strength Man? (menacing giggle)
STRENGTH: No. I didn’t have a mother. I was created by government scientists under Project Star-Beam.
Professor Madcap begins getting frustrated with Strength Man’s lack of clever retorts, but perseveres.
MADCAP: Well, then… allow me to be your kind host. Can I offer you a beverage? Coffee? Tea? Liquid Amnesia?! (menacing giggle)
STRENGTH: No thank you. There’s no time for beverages right now, Professor Madcap. I have to arrest you, so you can be sentenced in a court of law.
Strength Man grabs Professor Madcap’s arm and begins to pull him stage right. Madcap grows even more frustrated with Strength Man’s ineptness for banter.
MADCAP: You know I will surely put up a fight, Strength Man. After all, I am quick like the jaguar.
STRENGTH: There’s no use in trying to talk your way out of this, Madcap. It’s straight to the police station with you.
Professor Madcap can take it no longer. In a fit of anger, he pulls himself away from Strength Man’s grip.
MADCAP: What the hell is wrong with you?!
STRENGTH: What? What do you mean?
MADCAP: I thought you were a superhero!
STRENGTH: I am a superhero. Just look what I’ve done - I found your secret lair, captured you, and now I’m taking you to the police. What more do you want?
MADCAP: Oh, I don’t know! A little banter would be nice!
STRENGTH: Excuse me?
MADCAP: Banter! You know?! Banter! Ban-ter!
STRENGTH: I don’t understand.
MADCAP: When a superhero meets his or her arch-nemesis, they engage in banter. This can include witty retorts, puns, you name it. It’s a standard practice in the superhero world. Are you a superhero or not?
STRENGTH (whining): I can fly faster than a jet…
MADCAP: So can a million other people, Strength Man. If you plan to survive in this business, you need to banter well.
STRENGTH (still whining): I can reverse the earth’s rotation.
MADCAP: Are you even listening to me? You. Need. To Banter. Look, you’re a nice kid, so I’m going to help you out. I got a buddy who can teach you a thing or two. His name is Mr. Williams. Fortunately for you, he’s visiting me this weekend, so he can help you out right now. Mr. Williams! Get in here!
Mr. Williams, a high school teacher-esque person (with the standard cup of coffee in hand), enters stage left.
WILLIAMS: Hey, Professor Madcap, what’s up?
MADCAP: We got a banter problem here. Do you think you could teach him a few lessons?
WILLIAMS: I don’t see why not.
MADCAP: Great. While you’re doing that, I’m going to hop in the shower. By the way, do you have any thoughts on what sounds good for dinner tonight?
WILLIAMS: Steak sounds good.
MADCAP: Oh, great. I know a perfect steakhouse where we can go. Have fun at school, you two.
Professor Madcap exits stage left. Mr. Williams looks at Strength Man and smiles. Embarrassed and ashamed, Strength Man walks to lower stage right and sits "Indian style" to sulk like an angst-ridden teenager. Mr. Williams remains center stage.
WILLIAMS: So you can’t banter, huh? (no response) That’s no big deal. Some of the biggest superheroes in the world couldn’t banter at first. Force Man? Why, he couldn’t banter his way out of a paper bag until I came along.
STRENGTH (intrigued and excited): You taught Force Man how to banter?!
Williams sees his opening, walks down stage right, and sits beside Strength Man.
WILLIAMS: I sure did. I also taught Might Man, Energy Man, and Vigor Man.
STRENGTH: Wow. Those guys are so cool. I’ll never be that cool. I can’t banter at all.
WILLIAMS: Oh, don’t say that, Strength Man. I’m sure you’re not that bad. Here, I got an idea. I’ll say something an arch-nemesis would say and you come up with a clever retort.
STRENGTH: I don’t know.
WILLIAMS: Come on, it’ll be fun.
STRENGTH: Oh… all right.
WILLIAMS: Great. Okay, here goes… (impersonating an evil voice)… so good to see you, Strength Man.
STRENGTH (struggling): Uhhhh… it sure, uhhhh… isn’t good to see you… uhhhh, bad guy.
WILLIAMS (tactfully): Yeah, yeah. That was pretty good. Just remember though, clever retorts are best when they’re… you know, clever. Here, let’s try another one. (again, in an evil voice) I see your cape is yellow, Strength Man. Perhaps to match your belly?
STRENGTH: Uhhhh, no… my cape is yellow, so it can, uhhhh… match my, uhhhh… belly.
WILLIAMS: Yeah, yeah, you’re getting the hang of it. Keep in mind though that bantering is at its strongest… when it actually makes sense. Here, I got something else.
Mr. Williams pulls out a piece of paper and hands it to Strength Man.
WILLIAMS: It’s a list of do’s and do not’s for bantering. Read it. It may help you out.
STRENGTH (nervously): Okay, thanks. I’ll read it later, Mr. Williams.
WILLIAMS: No, no. Read it now. I’ll answer any questions you may have about it.
STRENGTH: No, that’s okay. I can read it later.
WILLIAMS (cheerfully): You should do it now. No better time than the present.
STRENGTH (blowing up): I said I’ll read it later!
Strength Man bolts up, turns away from Mr. Williams, and hangs his head in shame. Mr. Williams puts his hand on Strength Man’s shoulder.
WILLIAMS: You can’t read it, can you, Strength Man?
STRENGTH: What are you talking about? I can read it. You’re crazy.
WILLIAMS: Strength Man, what you’re suffering from is a disease. It’s called illiteracy and it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
STRENGTH: What do you know about it, teach?
WILLIAMS: I happen to know a lot about it, Strength Man. I, too, was illiterate… before I learned to read at the age of five.
STRENGTH: It’s just… (breaking up)… so hard. I can lift cars, stop nuclear missiles from reaching their target points, and battle superhuman villains from the Planet Glexnar, but I can’t… I can’t… (crying)… I can’t read.
WILLIAMS: As I said, Strength Man, illiteracy is a disease, but there is a cure…
STRENGTH (shocked, amazed): What?
WILLIAMS: … And that cure is Phonics. In three short weeks, you’ll be able to reach a level of remedial reading.
STRENGTH: Where I can get this Phon-phon-phonics?
WILLIAMS: You call a toll-free number and they’ll deliver it to your house. I don’t have the phone number on me right now, but I think Professor Madcap does. Professor Madcap, could you come here please?! Professor Madcap?!
STRENGTH: He’s probably in the shower, remember?
WILLIAMS: Yeah. (beat) Wait a minute…
Mr. Williams and Strength Man look at each other.
WILLIAMS and STRENGTH (in fearful unison): This place doesn’t have any showers!
BLACKOUT.
"Amazing Tales of the Astonishing" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"Amazing Tales of the Astonishing" debuted October 5, 2001, performed by Paul Rust, Chris Stangl, Mike Cassady.
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