"Clyde Collides" written by Paul Rust
Clyde McZoobly runs in place.
CLYDE: Zippy dee! La La Lee! I likes to run! Just look at me!
Hey, everybody, I’m Clyde McZoobly and holy crap! Do I likes to run! A lot of people don’t like to run. For some people, asking them to run is like asking them to swallow dirty coins, but not for me! I love to run! Every morning, I get up at 3 a.m. and run! I run, goddammit! And I don’t do any of that slow runnin’ business either! I run fast. You hear me?! I run faaaaaast! Fast!
Sometimes I run so fast that people on the streets see me and go, "Why does that rocketship look like Clyde McZoobly!" Ha! Ha! But what they don’t know could fill a book! Check that! It could fill an encyclopedia! Double check that! It could fill a bird’s nest! If that bird was a dinosaur bird that is!
(mimicing a dinosaur bird) Braaaack! My eggs are as big as cars! Please don’t scramble them into an omelet!
(whisper) You know what I really like about runnin’? You get to see all your friends. Look! (points finger) It’s Mrs. O’Cheeseburger!
Mrs. O’Cheeseburger walks by Clyde’s right side and waves (as if he’s passing her).
How are you, Mrs. O’Cheeseburger?! Are you going to the Volleyball game tonight?! Yeah, I hope the girls win, too! Then it’s off to state! Bump! Set! Spike! Spike hair! (gingerly) Do you like my spike hair? I got it cut just for you, Sally Magee. (back to erratic behavoir) Oh! Oh! Look! It’s Mr. McKnifehead!
Mr. McKnifehead passes Clyde like Mrs. O’Cheeseburger did.
How are you, Mr. McKnifehead?! Yes, your lawnmower is beautiful! You made it yourself?! (southern belle-like) Well, if that don’t beat all. (back to erratic behavior) Aaaaargh! Look! It’s Neil Armstrong!
Neil Armstrong also does the same thing as O’Cheeseburger and McKnifehead.
Hey, Neil Armstrong!
(singing) Thank you for discovering the moon!
You did it so well and soon!
You traveled so incredibly far!
Thanks for grabbing us a star! Thanks for grabbing us a star!
Don’t bring any space aliens back with you, ya’ bastard!
Oh god! (pained scream) I love running! It’s so great! But you know what the worse part about running is? (stop running in place) Having to stop. Luckily, that’s not right now! (begin running in place again)
Suddenly, a voice is heard from out in the audience. It’s Audience Member!
Audience Member: Clyde!
Clyde: What do you want, Gary?!
Audience Member: Go swimming!
Clyde: I don’t want to, Lisa! Daddy likes to run!
Audience Member: Do it or I’ll slice grandma’s throat!
Clyde: Fine, Scott! I’ll swim! Are you satisfied?!
Audience Member: Moron! There’s no pool for you to swim in!
Clyde: Oh yeaaaaaah?
While running in place, Clyde spins around and prances.
Clyde:
Gollywag Gollywag
Chim Chim Cha-ree
Here’s a swimming pool
For little, ol’ me!
Clyde shoots his arms out and directs where the pool should go. Once it "appears," he smiles and claps his hands. He then begins stripping down to a twelve year-old girl’s red bathing suit that’s underneath his clothes. All the while, he is running in place.
(muttering angrily while stripping) You want me to swim, so I’ll swim. I’ll swim like a fish. A fish in a goddamn dish. A "Soapdish" with Whoopi Goldberg. The Golden Iceberg straight ahead. Straight into your face with my fist. My oragami fist. My whore-a-gami fist. My fist. My fist. My fist. (repeats "my fist" until he’s stripped down to the bathing suit)
Clyde gets on the floor and "swims around."
Look at me! I’m swimming! Everybody take a picture! I’m doing what you want me to do! Clap your hands at my ability to entertain you! Oh crap! I just ate at a buffet ten seconds ago! Cramp! Cramp! Cramp! Oh double crap! There’s a deadly shark chasing me! Ahhhh! I got to get away from it before it devours me whole!
Clyde gets off the floor and manically runs around stage as "the shark chases him."
Oh holy goddamn Christ! He’s chasing me around the world! I’m seeing the entire world all at once! Hello, Great Britain! May I have some tea? Hello, Russia! Thanks for Tetris! Hello, Austrailia! Now this is a knife! Ahhhh! He’s got me! The shark’s finally got me!
Center stage, Clyde falls to the floor.
Ahhhhh! He’s chewing off my legs! Ahhhhh! He’s chewing off my arms! Ahhhhh! He’s eating my torso! Ahhhhh! He’s killing me! He’s killing me! Somebody, help me! I’m just a head and I’m drowning in the sea! I’m drowning! Can’t anybody hear me?! I’m droooooowning!
BLACKOUT.
"Clyde Collides" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"Clyde Collides" debuted September 28, 2001.
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