"I Wish I Was a Dog" (originally titled "Whitney Houston – R.I.P.")
written by Paul Rust
Center stage, three men (TODD, SCOTT, and GARY) and a woman (FRAN) sit lazily in chairs. They are watching television and engaging in bored conversation. GARY is pointing a remote control at an "imaginary" down-stage television.
FRAN: T.V. sucks.
TODD: T.V. sucks my dick.
A moment of dull silence.
FRAN: I can’t wait until the new season starts.
TODD: That’s gonna’ be great.
Another moment of dull silence.
SCOTT: Did you hear one of the "Friends" is pregnant?
TODD: Seriously? In real life or on T.V.?
SCOTT: On T.V.
FRAN: Which one?
SCOTT: No one knows. It’s a secret until the season premiere.
FRAN: I bet it’s Rachel. I bet Rachel’s pregnant.
TODD: I bet it’s her, too.
SCOTT: I’m happy for Rachel. She’ll make a good mom.
Yet another moment of dull silence.
GARY: I am so bored.
SCOTT: Me, too.
FRAN: Well… what can we do?
GARY: Let’s do something… crazy.
FRAN: Yeah! Something nuts!
TODD: Nutty!
FRAN: Something off the wall!
TODD: Off the wall!
FRAN: No, no, no. Off the fucking wall!
TODD: Yeah! Off the fucking wall!
Beat.
GARY: I got it! Let’s deface the American flag!
Everyone cheers.
SCOTT: Yeah, let’s deface the American fucking flag!
TODD: We can burn it!
FRAN: No! Before we burn it, we’ll cut it up!
SCOTT: No! Before we cut it up and burn it, we’ll shit on it!
GARY: No! First, we’ll cut it up!
SCOTT, FRAN, TODD: Yeah!
GARY: Then we’ll burn it!
SCOTT, FRAN, TODD: Yeah!
GARY: Then we’ll shit on it!
SCOTT, FRAN, TODD: Yeah!
GARY: Then we’ll send it to the president with a note that reads, "Fuck you, President Motherfucker! Signed, Fuck-Fuck Fucker Fuck!
Everyone cheers wildly.
GARY: I’ll go get the flag!
Once GARY exits stage, a 1930’s NEWSBOY enters. He is holding a newspaper above his head. He walks by the group as he delivers his line.
NEWSBOY: Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Hijacked planes crash into World Trade Center and Pentagon! Everybody’s sad about it! Extra! Extra!
NEWSBOY exits. FRAN, TODD, and SCOTT all lose their lazy postures and stand up boldly.
FRAN: Oh. My. God.
TODD: This unspeakable tragedy will forever alter our great country.
SCOTT: Terrorism has ravaged our country.
FRAN: It was a God-less act.
TODD: Somewhere, a bald eagle is crying... and its tears are red, white, and blue.
SCOTT: We have a new enemy.
FRAN: These our times when we look to God for guidance.
TODD: Now our apple pie tastes like shit.
SCOTT: Our military will react swiftly and strongly.
FRAN: Ephesians, Chapter 9, Verse 5: "... and he shall see the towers of Jesus and make thee a statue of Adam and Eve. Jesus-Moses. Mary-God."
GARY re-enters excitedly.
GARY: Hey, guys! I couldn’t find a flag! So, I thought we could just watch a t.v. station sign off at midnight and crap on the screen instead!
SCOTT: Quiet, Castro!
GARY: Why? What’d I do? What happened?
SCOTT: A national tragedy.
GARY: What? Did they start airing "Suddenly Susan" again?
GARY laughs at this horrible joke. No one else does. THEY just stare.
TODD: No, Gary. Hijacked planes crashed into the World Trade Center and the buildings toppled.
GARY: Goddammit, Todd!
TODD: What’d I do?
GARY: For the rest of my life, people are going to ask me where I was when I heard the World Trade Center collapsed. And now my memory will be your dumb-ass face telling me! Do you even know how to properly deliver earth-shattering news?!
SCOTT: Earth shattering indeed. It’s the Civil War times 8!
GARY: I mean, where was the drama?
FRAN: "... and God spake to the three kings that Noah was in Jeruseluem!"
GARY: Where was the dignity?
TODD: Home of the Brave. Land of the Free. Nation of the Totally Awesome.
GARY: You could have done a little Cronkite impression at least!
SCOTT: We know our enemy.
FRAN: "... as Methusula damned Pontius Pilate to a life of King Herod!"
TODD: The Statue of Liberty has been raped and the pictures are on the internet!
GARY: This is going to eat at me for the rest of my life!
SCOTT: Fucking Muslims!
Everyone stops and looks at Scott.
SCOTT: That’s it! We’ll restore America by killing every Muslim in the entire world!
FRAN: Jesus and Mary will do the Macarena on Allah’s body!
TODD: And George Washington will laugh his ass off!
SCOTT: We’ll get the name of anyone whose ever spoken the Islamic language, hunt them down, and hang them!
FRAN: And then will hang anyone whose ever heard of the Islamic language!
TODD: And bury them under Mount Rushmore!
EVERYONE cheers. NEWSBOY re-enters.
NEWSBOY: Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Season premiere of "Friends" is tonight! Mystery mother revelead! Extra! Extra!
EVERYONE cheers again. Beat. THEY return to their chairs and sit lazily. Again, TODD begins flipping the remote control at the "imaginary" down stage television.
BLACKOUT.
"I Wish I Was a Dog" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"I Wish I Was a Dog" debuted September 14, 2001, performed by Paul Rust, Arlen Lawson, Aprille Clarke, Chris Stangl, Jamal River.
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