"Talking to Your Kind" written by Paul Rust
Paul Rust (yes, me) sits in a chair center-stage. He is signing an autograph for Katie, one of his many devoted fans. As Paul writes his words, he speaks them aloud.
PAUL: To Katie… don’t let go of the magic… warm regards, Paul Rust.
Paul hands the autograph over to Katie. She begins exiting stage right.
PAUL: Now you keep coming to No Shame, okay? Okay. Bye-bye, hon.
Paul turns out to the audience. What a nice surprise it is to have them here!
PAUL: Oh, hello… I’m Paul Rust, writer and performer here at No Shame Theatre.
Paul stands up from his chair and confidently approaches the audience.
PAUL: You know, this is only my second year here at No Shame and already it feels like home. There are so many memories locked up in this little theatre. Great memories. Warm smiles. Wow. And because this place feels so much like home, I thought I would make you, the audience, my guests. So, Roger (look up to light booth)… if you could please turn up the house lights…
HOUSE LIGHTS UP
PAUL: Great. Thanks. Now, I know this is a little crazy, but, uh, I got all year to do my silly, little sketches, so those can wait. Instead, tonight, I want you guys to find out more about me and who I am. So if you have any questions, shoot ‘em out to me and I’ll answer them. Just as long as they’re not too embarrassing. Ha. Ha.
Audience Member #1 (AM 1), a male, puts his hand up.
PAUL: Uh, yes… you. What’s your question?
AM 1 stands.
AM 1: Well, first off, you’re very talented. I love your pieces.
PAUL: Thank you. Thank you.
AM 1: And I was just wondering… how do you write and perform so well?
PAUL: Wow. Great question. You won’t believe how many times I’m asked that. And the only response I ever give is two words: Natural Brilliance. You either got it or you don’t. Luckily, God gave me the gifts to be a talented writer and performer. And I’m not about to let Him (pointing up) down. Any other questions?
Audience Member #2 (AM 2), a female, raises her hand.
PAUL: Yes, you.
AM 2 stands up nervously.
AM 2: Um, this is kind of embarrassing. Do you, uh, have a girlfriend?
PAUL: Why? Are you interested? (laughs) Yes, I do have a girlfriend. A very loving, supportive, and above all, hot girlfriend. However, I have no problem cheating on her. So, if any of you girls ever want to "hang out," "spend some time together," or "dry hump," give me a call. Not you though (pointing at AM 2). Your tits are too small. Anyone else have a question?
An off-stage voice is suddenly heard. It’s Paul Rust’s voice (Paul 2) on a cassette tape.
PAUL 2: Hey, Paul! Get off stage! You don’t belong there! Get off!
PAUL: Who said that?!
PAUL 2: I did! I mean, you did! Aarrgh! Just get off stage and come over here!
Paul exits stage right. An argument is heard from behind the curtain.
PAUL: What are you doing?! I was talking to the audience! Everything was going perfectly!
PAUL 2: You sounded like an arrogant asshole! Now, get back into your cage!
PAUL: Fine, I will, but I’ll get you back!
PAUL 2: I don’t care! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go out there and apologize for you!
Paul 2 (me in a different shirt – no longer a voice on a cassette tape) enters stage right and approaches the audience.
PAUL 2: Hello, everyone. Let me apologize wholeheartedly for what just happened out here. I truly am sorry. You see, what happened was… this summer, I made a clone of myself. I figured it would help me with cooking and cleaning and whatnot. However, as the scientists were cloning me, they botched a little on what’s called "the asshole gene." They increased its presence, so now my clone is this huge asshole. Tonight, he escaped from his cage and posed as me. Please forgive him… and me. I really hope you’re not angry. I’ll do anything to make you forgive me, "the true Paul."
Another voice is suddenly heard off stage. Again, it’s Paul’s voice (Paul 3) on an audio cassette.
PAUL 3: Silence! Do not claim yourself as "the true Paul Rust!"
PAUL 2: Master Chi? Master Chi, is that you?
PAUL 3: Of course, it’s me! Now come over here and show these people who is "the true Paul Rust!"
PAUL 2 exits stage right. He quickly re-enters with a table. On top of the table is a stereo. PAUL 2 presses "play" and PAUL 3’s voice is soon heard.
PAUL 3: You have permission to now leave my presence!
PAUL 2 exits stage right, bowing to his master (a.k.a. Master Chi/a.k.a. Paul 3/a.k.a. the stereo). After he exits, all that is left on stage is the stereo playing the voice of PAUL 3.
PAUL 3: That is right, members of the No Shame audience! I am the true Paul Rust. Those two bodies you saw earlier were merely vessels for my words. The true Paul Rust is I… Master Chi: Sacred Ruler of the Universe! My essence is so great… it can only be transported to you on this audiocassette. Now it is time for me to take over the world and reduce you humanoids to my slaves! However, since I know you all love sketch comedy, I figure I’ll do a little something I’ve written… called "Master Chi Goes Golfing." Enter for your performance, Slave Actor Number One!
Slave Actor Number One (SA#1) enters stage left. He is downtrodden. Therefore, he delivers his lines unhappily. It is no fun being in Master Chi’s sketches!
PAUL 3: Speak now, Slave Actor Number One!
SA#1 (begrudgingly): Hello, Master Chi. Your wife told me you are golfing today. Is this true?
PAUL 3: Yes, it is… and when I go, I’m bringing two pairs of pants.
SA#1: Why, oh, why are you bringing two pairs of pants with you when you golf, Sacred Ruler of the Universe?
PAUL 3: Just in case… I spill blood on them after slaughtering a humanoid! Ha! Ha! Ha! Now dance, Slave Actor Number One!
"Cum on Feel the Noize" by Quiet Riot begins blaring from the tape player. Slave Actor Number One begins to dance pathetically.
FADE OUT.
"Talking to Your Kind" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"Talking to Your Kind" debuted September 7, 2001, performed by Paul Rust, Michele Thompson, Tina Sherwood, Neil "Balls" Campbell, Arlen Lawson.
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