"The Garveys" written by Paul Rust
On CENTER MIKE is Sgt. Entertainment. Jenkins comes running in.
JENKINS: Sgt. Entertainment! Sgt. Entertainment!
Jenkins halts beside Sgt. Entertainment at CENTER MIKE.
JENKINS: I have some urgent news!
SGT. ENTERTAINMENT: Well, it can wait, Jenkins. Believe me, we’ve earned the break. Why, we’ve just put the final touches on what will be the biggest entertainment extravaganza in years… the 2001 Weeks of Welcome!
JENKINS: About the Weeks of Welcome, sir -
SGT. ENTERTAINMENT: Just look at all the great acts we’ve got lined up - the tractor pull, the quilt auction, the rodeo, and last, but certainly not least… The Garveys!
JENKINS: That’s what I have to tell you about, sir –
SGT. ENTETAINMENT: Why, The Garveys are the rootinest, tootinest family of all time. Their unique blend of music, comedy, and good, ol’ fashioned family fun is what’s made them stars of County Fairs across the USA! Yep! That’s our Garveys!
JENKINS: Sgt. Entertainment!
SGT. ENTERTAINMENT: What?
JENKINS: The Garveys are dead. Their tour van crashed on the way here.
SGT. ENTERTAINMENT: W-w-w-what?!
JENKINS: Daddy Garvey flew through the windshield, Momma Garvey smashed her face into the dashboard, Li’l Charlie Garvey lodged himself onto the stick shift, and Li’l Cheryl Ann Garvey was strangled by her own seatbelt.
SGT. ENTERTAINMENT: And Grandpa Garvey?
JENKINS: Fortunately, he survived the crash and made it to the hospital.
SGT. ENTERTAINMENT: Whew. That’s a relief.
JENKINS: Then a tornado came, blew down the hospital, and killed him.
SGT. ENTERTAINTMENT: Dammit.
JENKINS: So, I guess the next step is to announce The Garveys’ deaths and cancel Weeks of Welcome.
Jenkins starts to walk away, but Sgt. Entertainment grabs him and pulls him back.
SGT. ENTERTAINMENT: Not just yet, Jenkins.
JENKINS: But sir, without the Garveys, the Weeks of Welcome will be nothing.
SGT. ENTERTAINMENT: I know, I know, but I’ve got me a plan – a plan that’s crazy enough to work.
JENKINS: What are you gonna’ do?
Sgt. Entertainment points out into the audience.
SGT. ENTERTAINMENT: See that family of 1930’s immigrants?
JENKINS: Yes. One of them has a moustache, right?
SGT. ENTERTAINMENT: No, not that family of 1930’s immigrants - the other family of 1930’s immigrants! Right there! Behind that light-pole!
JENKINS: Okay… I got ‘em.
SGT. ENTERTAINMENT: I want you to teach them The Garveys’ show. They can perform it and no one will notice the difference. That way, we can still have the Garveys, still hold Weeks of Welcome, and still save the University of Iowa from those evil contractors who want to plow down the forest and put up a shopping mall!
JENKINS: Do you think it will work, sir?
SGT. ENTERTAINMENT: It has to work! Or my name isn’t Sgt. Entertainment!
Jenkins exits. Sgt. Entertainment walks over to RIGHT MIKE.
SGT. ENTERTAINMENT: Good evening, students. Wasn’t that a great tractor pull? Now, please put your hands together for what you’ve all been waiting for… The Garveys!
The family of 1930’s immigrants enters nervously. Daddy and Momma Garvey take the LEFT MIKE, Li’l Charlie and Li’l Cheryl Ann Garvey take the CENTER MIKE, and Grandpa Garvey takes the RIGHT MIKE.
Whenever a "Garvey family member" speaks or sings (except Momma who never does), they should sound unexcited, nervous, and of course, foreign! Actors should feel free to throw in any vocalized pauses, stutters, or mispronounced words.
DADDY: Hello. Welcome to Garvey Goodtime Gang. Are you ready to have fun?
Audience reacts – hopefully.
DADDY: Oh, good. We are, too. I am Daddy Garvey and here with me is Momma Garvey.
CHARLIE: I am Li’l Charlie Garvey. This is sister Li’l Cheryl Ann Garvey.
GRANDPA: And I am Grandpa Garvey. And we are…
THE GARVEYS (weak, not together): … The Garveys.
DADDY: When we are not working hard in fields, we Garveys sing songs by a porch or on a fire.
CHERYL ANN: Here is favorite. Many of you may know it from memory, by ear, or most importantly… by heart.
CHARLIE: It’s called "I’ve Been Working on Railroad." A one… a two… a one, two, five…
THE GARVEYS (timidly not singing together with poor choreography):
I’ve been working on railroad
All live long day
I’ve been working on railroad
Just to keep (mumbles)
Can you the hear whistle blowin’
All live long day
I’ve been working on railroad
(mumbles)
DADDY: Swell job, family. Now, next song. It is called -
CHERYL LYNN: Daddy. Daddy.
DADDY: What is it, Mooshka – I mean, Cheryl Lynn?
CHERYL LYNN: Charlie and I want to sing a song we like.
DADDY: That’s fine by me. Momma?
Momma makes irritated and incomprehensible moan.
DADDY: Yes, you can sing song you like.
Li’l Charlie and Cheryl Ann Garvey clear their throats for awfulness. They attempt to sing "Opposites Attract."
CHARLIE: Who'd a thought we could be lovers/She makes bed
CHERYL: He steals covers
CHARLIE: She likes neat
CHERYL: He makes mess/I take it easy
CHARLIE: Baby I get obsessed
CHERYL: I take--2 steps forward
CHARLIE: I take--2 steps back
CHERYL AND CHARLIE (not together): We come together/Cuz opposites attract
And you know--it ain't fiction/Just natural fact
We come together/Cuz opposites attract
Li’l Charlie and Cheryl Ann Garvey bow weakly.
DADDY: That was great. Maybe rock and roll is no bad after all.
The Garveys pathetically laugh at this badly delivered joke.
DADDY: Grandpa Garvey, you quiet. Say something now.
Grandpa Garvey does not reply.
DADDY: Grandpa Garvey? Grandpa Garvey?
GRANDPA (in fluent English): Shut your mouth, you 1930’s immigrant!
The Garveys gasp.
GRANDPA: It’s me! The Real Grandpa Garvey! You all thought I was dead, but I survived the tour van crash and the hospital being blown down by a tornado! And now you and your family of 1930’s immigrants are going to pay!
Sgt. Entertainment runs up beside Grandpa Garvey on RIGHT MIKE.
SGT. ENTERTAINMENT: What’s going on here?
GRANDPA: I’ll tell you what’s going on here! That family of 1930’s immigrants killed my family and tried to kill me! They cut the brakes on our tour van!
SGT. ENTERTAINMENT: Why would they do that?
GRANDPA: Because they knew they’d get asked to be our replacements. And they wanted to be in the spotlight, not us! It’s pretty understandable. I mean, who wouldn’t want to have a lucrative spot at the Weeks of Welcome festivities?!
SGT. ENTERTAINMENT: Is this true, Hineish?
DADDY: Yes, it’s true. When I came into harbor and saw that beautiful lady of liberty, I realized my dream was for my family and I to travel from county fair to county fair with our unique blend of music and comedy. I figured I could reach that dream by killing the Garveys and taking their spot. I thought it would work
SGT. ENTERTAINMENT: …And it did! I was so impressed by your performance that I’m offering you a five-record contract!
The Garveys cheer.
DADDY: Thank you, Sgt. Entertainment. Thank you.
THE END.
"The Garveys" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"The Garveys" debuted August 31, 2001 at Weeks of Welcome.
Library]
