"Four Seconds in the Rectory" by Paul Rust

"Four Seconds in the Rectory" by Paul Rust

PRIEST is sitting center-stage in a chair. NARRATOR is standing stage left. WOMAN is off-stage.

NARRATOR: Sometime yesterday a man was masturbating in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

In slow motion, PRIEST begins mock-masturbating.

NARRATOR: Now you’re probably thinking, "Big deal. People masturbate all the time. Hell, I’m masturbating right now." But this was no normal masturbation… for the man masturbating was none other than Father Quigley of St. Randolph’s Catholic Church.

NARRATOR looks at PRIEST to see him do the sign of the cross with his free hand. He is definitely a priest.

NARRATOR: And as any dope knows, Catholic priests take a little thing Mexicans like to call a vow of celibacy. And this rule not only prohibits sex with others, but also, sex with one’s self. Take that, the color orange! Now many of you are probably thinking, "So, the priest is breaking the rules and masturbating. That’s no big deal. My priest masturbates all the time. Hell, my priest is masturbating right now." But that’s not the case. I have no problem with priests masturbating either. I’m just relaying an interesting story that maybe you yourself could re-tell to impress somebody special. So take notes, Todd. This story could impress Sheri. What makes this particular priestly masturbation incident so interesting is that right at the moment of his climax…

PRIEST makes a face of orgasmic pleasure.

NARRATOR: … he realized the woman in the pornographic video he was viewing was actually a member of his congregation.

PRIEST’s face suddenly turns to one of horror.

NARRATOR: Now I know what you’re thinking, "Tom Berenger is an underrated actor." But to make matters worse for a completely unrelated incident, at the very same time the priest was climaxing and realizing the horrible truth about his church member, that very same church-going porn star was stepping through the door.

In slow motion, WOMAN enters stage-right.

NARRATOR: You see, unfortunately for the priest, he had always insisted on an open-door policy with his congregation and thus, made it seem like he condoned opening without knocking. Already by her first step in, the woman knew what was going on. The priest she knew and respected was stimulating his sexual organs to the point of orgasm or as our friends south of the border like to call it, "masturbating." And within only four seconds, the priest had climaxed and discovered this woman’s darkest secret as she herself stepped through the door and discovered the priest’s darkest desire.

In slow motion, the WOMAN and PRIEST begin to look at each other.

NARRATOR: … And at this beautiful moment, when hidden evils are both revealed in a rare moment of honesty, forgiveness, and acceptance, the two looked at each other and said…

PRIEST and WOMAN (together): Pervert.

BLACKOUT
"Four Seconds in the Rectory" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

"Four Seconds in the Rectory" debuted March 30, 2001, performed by Mike Cassady, Paul Rust, Tina Sherwood.

[Paul Rust's web site]

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