"Stanley Klugman: A Woman’s Right… to Laugh!" by Paul Rust

"Stanley Klugman: A Woman’s Right… to Laugh!"

written by Paul Rust

Announcer enters.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to a living legend in the world of comedy… Stanley Klugman!

Stanley enters. Announcer and Stanley embrace like old friends. Announcer exits.

STANLEY:

Good evening, ladies and germs. How are all of you tonight? It’s great to be here. You know, I’ve been in the comedy business for seventy-nine years now and I still love it. You get to travel, you get to make people laugh, you get… jet-lag. No, seriously though, folks, I love to travel. My wife though! Oh, my wife hates it when I travel! Just this morning, I told her I was leaving to come here and she looked me in the eyes very seriously and said… "Stanley… take the garbage with you!" Ha! Ha! Typical woman, typical woman, am I right? But I love her. No, really I do! In fact, she’s pregnant. I know, I know. That’s a little surprising, but she’s young and I’m… just a tad bit older. And people ask me, "Hey, Stanley, how can a man like you in your old age get you wife pregnant?" And I say, "Never underestimate the power of the milkman!" Sorry, folks, sorry… but after 11 p.m., I work a little blue. But I’m excited to have kids. No really, I am. The only problem these days is you can’t punish ‘em. You say, "Go to your room," but that isn’t a punishment, is it? After all, they got a record player and a… records… and uh… d…v… c’s?

Announcer walks back out on stage and escorts Stanley to stage left.

Announcer: What’s going on here, Klugman?

Stanley: I’m bombing, that’s what’s going on here. I don’t understand it. This material is hilarious.

Announcer: Yes, it was… during the Eisenhower Administration.

Stanley takes out a pen and notepad, starts scribbling down notes.

Stanley (laughing): Eisenhower Administration… that’s great, great.

Announcer: Please listen to me. This audience doesn’t want to hear old jokes. This audience wants something new, cutting-edge, in-your-face.

Stanley: In… your… face?

Announcer: Yes! Like Howie Mandel!

Stanley: Howie Mandel?! But I can’t fit latex gloves on my head. I’ve tried. Oh, how I’ve tried.

Announcer: I got an idea. Tell all your old jokes, but just do it as you do something… edgy and controversial.

Stanley: All right. Edgy and controversial. I got an idea.

Announcer: Good. Now, get out there and do it.

Announcer exits.

Stanley: Hey, folks. You still ready to laugh? Well, uh, earlier, I fibbed a bit. My young, pregnant wife didn’t stay at home. She is actually in the audience right now. Honey, get up here!

Wife, very pregnant, enters on stage from her seat. She is holding a bag.

Stanley: Hi-ya, deary.

Wife: Hi, Stanley.

Stanley: What’cha got there?

Wife: Oh, I did some shopping before I came here.

Stanley: That’s new! Ha! Ha!

Wife (gracefully taking his jokes): Oh, Stanley. What’s up?

Stanley has Wife sit on table with her back to the audience as he whispers in her ear. She then turns back around.

Wife: I don’t know, Stanley.

Stanley: But it’s for my career, baby!

Wife: Okay… I guess so.

Stanley: Alright. Lay your back on the table.

Wife lays down on the table. As Stanley does the rest of his routine, he proceeds to undo a wire hanger and give his Wife a grisly abortion. During this, Wife does not scream in horror. She is only tense and wincing.

Stanley: But anyway, my friends don’t understand why I want a kid. They think I should take it easy. Now, I think many of you know one of my closest friends, Mr. Milton Berle. Boy, do I have a story to tell you! One night back in 1957, me and Uncle Milty have a show together at the Las Vegas Sands Hotel. Now, we were going to do our famous "You Took My Hat" routine. But ol’ Milty he goes on stage and forgets to take my hat. How about that, huh? The routine is called "You Took My Hat" and he forgets to take my hat. Ha! Ha! But that’s what the war will do to ya’, am I right?

When Stanley says that last line, Wife’s body loses tension and she dies. Stanley is left holding a wire with a bloody, dead bay hanging off the end.

Stanley: Am I right? Am I right, honey? Honey? Honey?

Stanley walks over to Wife, checks her pulse, discovers she is dead, and is horrified. He looks out at the audience.

Stanley: For example, take my dead wife… please!

BLACKOUT
"Stanley Klugman: A Woman’s Right… to Laugh!" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

"Stanley Klugman: A Woman’s Right… to Laugh!" debuted March 2, 2001, performed by Paul Rust, Aaron Galbraith, Aprille Clarke.

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