copyright © 2001 Paul Rust
"Little Shit’s Birthday Present" by Paul Rust
A little boy (a.k.a. "Little Shit") hops around stage as he yells.
Little Shit:
I’m a little shit!
I’m a little shit! I’m a little shit! I’m a little shit!
On Fridays, when the teacher says, "See you tomorrow," I respond with a hearty, "No, you won’t! Tomorrow’s Saturday!"
I’m a little shit! I’m a little shit! I’m a little shit!
When my mom and me stay in hotels, I go on the elevator and press every button, so the next person on has to stop at all the floors!
I’m a little shit! I’m a little shit! I’m a little shit!
After I use the bathroom, I wash my hands, but I don’t entirely dry them! That way, I can come out and touch somebody’s face with my dripping hands and say, "Don’t you hate it when you pee on your hands?"
I’m a little shit! I’m a little shit! I’m a little shit!
My mom takes Prozac!
I’m a little shit! I’m a little shit!
Did anybody tell you that you look like a movie star? Yeah… Freddy Krueger!
I’m a little shit!
Dogs fear me!
I’m a little shit!
Priests don’t like me!
I’m a little shit!
My dad left me and my mom!
I’m a little shit! I’m a little shit! I’m a little shit!
(Judge Reinhold appears on stage)
Judge Reinhold (gleefully): Hey there, little shit! Do you know who I am?!
Little Shit: You’re Judge Reinhold, acclaimed actor and heartthrob to millions!
Judge Reinhold: I sure am! And I’m here to talk to you, Little Shit.
Little Shit: Why on earth do you wanna’ talk to me?! You’re a big-time movie star!
Judge Reinhold: Because I’m your Guardian Angel!
Little Shit: Holy Vice Versa!
Judge Reinhold: And I’m here, Little Shit, to tell you that you need to quit being… well, uh… a little shit.
Little Shit: But that’s my trademark!
Judge Reinhold (tactfully): Trademark or not, it’s not a very respectful attitude. Your behavior is hurting those around you… especially your mother. What with her being a single mother and having to work two jobs, you’re not making it any easier for her. I think you should apologize to her.
Little Shit: No way, Jose! I’d never apologize to her! She’s so stupid! Did you see what she got me for my birthday?
Judge Reinhold: No.
Little Shit: Neither did I because she didn’t get me anything!
Judge Reinhold: Wait a minute… didn’t she give you a card?
Little Shit: Well, yeah… but she made it and it looked crummy. What kind of fun am I supposed to have with a card?
Judge Reinhold: I think you know why she could only give you a self-made card.
Little Shit nods his head sadly.
Little Shit: Yeah… I know…
Judge Reinhold: And it wasn’t very nice that you threw it away. Did you know she found it in the garbage the next day?
Little Shit: No… that probably hurt her feelings.
Judge Reinhold: I bet it did. So come on, Little Shit, apologize to her… for me?
Little Shit: All right, Mr. Reinhold. How can I argue with you?! You were in Gremlins for crying out loud!
Judge Reinhold (proudly): I know you’d do it! Bye-bye, Little Shit!
(Judge Reinhold exits stage and Little Shit walks to mother whose off-stage)
Little Shit:
Mom, are you busy? No? Okay. I just wanted to tell you… something. Do you remember my last birthday? Remember how I didn’t get any gifts? You just made me that birthday card? I’m… I’m sorry I told you I didn’t like it. I’m sorry I threw it away. I know we don’t have a lot of money. What I did was rude. And I’m sure this doesn’t take back what I did, but if it does make any difference, I go to sleep every night thinking about what I did and feeling bad for what it. I’m so sorry… and I’ll try to be the best little boy I can be from now on. I promise. I promise. I promise.
BLACKOUT
"Little Shit’s Birthday Present"
IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED,
PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE
AUTHOR
"Little Shit’s Birthday Present"
debuted February 16, 2001,
performed by Paul Rust, Jamal River.
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