"I Wanna’ Rape Your Hand" by Paul Rust

"I Wanna’ Rape Your Hand" written by Paul Rust

TROY and SCOTT, two jock-ish high school lads, enter stage right.

TROY: Great game tonight, Scott.

SCOTT: Thanks, Troy. Now I know why they call ‘em "Hail Mary’s!"

The two laugh heartily.

TROY: So what’s the story with you and Jennifer?

SCOTT: Let’s just say we’ve spent some quality time together.

TROY: Ha. Ha. I hear you loud and clear, dude. So tell me about it.

SCOTT: C’mon, Troy, you must not think very highly of me. You know I never talk about my exploits with the ladies.

TROY: C’mon, Scott. I want details, man. Details.

SCOTT: Alright, dude, settle down. I’ll tell you.

TROY: Kick-ass!

SCOTT: So Jennifer comes over to my place after the pep rally last night, right?

TROY: Uh-huh.

SCOTT: And we tell my parents we’re going downstairs to "watch a movie," right?

TROY: Read you loud and clear, dude.

SCOTT: And before I know it, she leans over and we’re… discussing our viewpoints on the state of modern love.

TROY: Get out of town!

SCOTT: And it turns out we both believe that men and women rush into physical relationships without a strong foundation of understanding or trust.

TROY: Woah!

SCOTT: And then it gets really heavy! Out of nowhere, we’re discussing our viewpoints on God! It turns out we both believe God to be a higher being whose power should be respected. However, we agreed more faith should be placed in a human being’s capacity to love instead of the works of a God-figure.

TROY: No way, man!

SCOTT: I’m for serious! From one quarterback to a lineman, you gotta’ trust me.

TROY: Okay, okay. I believe you.

SCOTT: The best part is… tonight, she wants us to… share our innermost fears and desires!

The two high-five.

TROY: Well, have fun, man.

SCOTT: You know I will.

TROY exists left. JENNIFER enters stage right.

SCOTT: Hey, Jennifer.

JENNIFER: Scott.

SCOTT: Something wrong?

JENNIFER: I should say so. You know, Scott, I thought you were different than other guys, but…

SCOTT: What? What did I do?

JENNIFER: What did you do?! You made me look like dirt in the eyes of every student at Barrymore High, that’s what you did!

SCOTT: What are you talking about?

JENNIFER: You’ve been telling everybody that we have close emotional bonds and personal intimacy, you asshole! What kind of girl do you think I am? You know damn well that all you did was get me drunk and finger-bang me when I was unconscious.

SCOTT: I know, I know.

JENNIFER: You make me sick, Scott. I’m never going to give you a hand-job in Target again.

JENNIFER exits stage right. DAD enters stage left.

DAD: Hey, son.

SCOTT: Dad! What are you doing here at school?

DAD: I had to talk to your principal about some aluminum siding he wanted to buy.

Why the long face, sport?

SCOTT: Oh… nothing.

DAD: C’mon, son, I know you better than that. Something’s eating at you.

SCOTT: Well, I totally blew it with a girl I’m in love with.

DAD: What happened this time, Scotty?

SCOTT: I shot my mouth off to all the guys on varsity that me and Jennifer were really good friends and didn’t need a physical relationship to prove our intimacy.

DAD: Well, I think you know what to do, son.

SCOTT: What?

DAD: Pull some of that ol’ Henderson charm.

SCOTT: Yeah. Thanks, dad! I’m going to go over to her house, sneak in through the bedroom window, and rape her like there’s no such thing as values!

DAD: That a boy! But don’t forget a gym sock and duct tape.

SCOTT: Why?

DAD: To gag her if she screams for dear life!

SCOTT: Right, dad, thanks. I love you.

DAD: I love you, too, son.

SCOTT: Oh, and tell mom she’s a castrating whore-beast.

BLACKOUT

"I Wanna’ Rape Your Hand" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

"I Wanna’ Rape Your Hand" debuted February 9, 2001, performed by Paul Rust, Aaron Galbraith, Chris Okiishi, Michele Thompson.

[Paul Rust's web site]

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