"Stammer" by Paul Rust

"Stammer" written by Paul Rust

Ronny stands alone center stage.

Ronny: Hi, I’m Ronny. My second cousins Ray and Sean are at the door. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m like most people and would normally welcome my second cousins, but not these two. They have to be the most boring people in the world. All they do is make comments that every average idiot makes on a daily basis. I’m talking about the most non-insightful, least profound comments about the most over-discussed topics. But they are my second cousins, so I guess I should let them in after all. I know! I’ll pull the ol’ "Say I’m Going to Get Lotion for My Dry Hands, but Actually Slip Out the Back Door" trick.

Ronny opens the door (stage left) and sees Ray.

Ray: Hey, Ronny! How ‘bout that election, eh?

Ronny: Hey, Ray. Where’s Sean?

Ray barges in.

Ray: Oh, he forgot something in the car. He’ll be in soon. So what do you think of this election, huh? I think it’s pretty awful that we can’t even pick the president we voted for!

Ronny: Uh-huh.

Ray: Now we have to have George W. Bush as president! He is so dumb.

Ronny: That’s what I hear.

Ray: Of course, I wouldn’t want that Al Gore for president either. He likes abortions.

Ronny: Y’know what, Ray? My hands are really dry. I’m going to get some lotion.

Ray: Sure thing, Ronny. By the way, I made Sean stand by the back door, so you couldn’t slip out and run away again.

Ronny stammers for an explanation. The stammering continues for a minute (literally, a minute, so the stammering becomes irritating) until...

Ray: Sean! Sean! I think you better get in here! There’s something wrong with Ronny!

Sean rushes in.

Sean: What is it?! What is it?!

Ray: Well, I pulled the rug out on his ol’ "Going to Get Lotion for His Dry Hands, but Actually Slip Out the Back Door" trick.

Sean: And?!

Ray: And he started to stammer for an excuse, but then he kept stammering and he’s still going! What should we do?

Sean: Let ‘em be.

Ray: Wha-wha-what?! We should help him!

Sean: As you may have forgotten, I used to candy-stripe at the local hospital. We’d get a lot of these "stammering cases" in and the best thing to do is let them stammer until its over.

Ray: Are you sure?

Sean: Positive.

Ray: Alright, if you’re sure. Hey, Ronny, how about you sit down until your stammering stops?

Ronny, stammering, takes a seat. Sean and Ray take seats as well.

Ray: Before his stammering episode, Ronny and I were talking about that election.

Sean: Boy, what a mess that was. What kind of country do we live in that we can’t even pick our own president?

Ray: I know! Now we have to have George W. Bush as our president. Boy, is he dumb.

Sean: Of course, I wouldn’t want that Al Gore to be our president either.

Sean and Ray (together): Baby-killer.

Ray: Some people call abortion our nation’s holocaust.

Sean: The holocaust was an unspeakable tragedy.

Ray: AIDS is bad.

Sean: "Will and Grace" makes me laugh.

Ronny, still stammering, begins to find this conversation unbearable and makes a loud noise.

Ray: What was that, Ronny?

Ronny makes a pained "Shut the fuck up!"

Ray: That’s true, Ronny. I don’t know what I’d do without my cellular phone either.

Ronny makes an angry sound to indicate that is not what he said.

Sean: That reminds me! Olive Garden breadsticks are to die for!

Ray: People should spend less time pointing fingers and more time raising their children.

Sean: Children are our greatest natural resource.

Ray: I’ll see any movie with Meg Ryan in it.

Ronny walks over to Sean and Ray. He quits stammering.

Ray: Is there something you wanted to add to the conversation, Ronny?

Ronny: The writer of this piece, Paul Rust, is an elitist, judgemental prick who thinks his viewpoints and thoughts are more insightful and important than other people’s.

Beat.

Ray and Sean (together in glee): We vote you off the island!

Ronny, Ray, and Sean all laugh hysterically.

BLACKOUT
"Stammer" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

"Stammer" debuted February 2, 2001, performed by Paul Rust, Mike Cassady, Aaron Galbraith.

[Paul Rust's web site]

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