"Ray Krock of Bullshit" by Paul Rust

"Ray Krock of Bullshit" written by Paul Rust

First off, don’t ever keep me in that waiting room again. I am the spokesperson of this company and I deserve more respect. Every minute I’m in that waiting room is a slap in the face or a kick in the head or a slap-kick in the face-head. And I deserve more respect than a slap-kick in the face-head.

So now that we got that settled, let’s move onto my main order of business. I have a grievance to report to you, President McRainey. No! I’m not giving you that respect. I’m just gonna’ call you McRainey. No! I’m not even going to give you that much respect. "Bozo" is how I’m going to refer to you now!

Well, I got something to say to you, President Bozo! I am one angry corporate spokesperson! You’ve taken over my life and done nothing, but ruin it. For example, last week, I came home after a long day of illegal gambling only to find an entire family in my house. In my own house! How could you do that?! It’s even got my name on the house, too – the Ronald McDonald House! How could you do that, President Bozo? You’d think a big corporation like McDonald’s could keep people out of my own house!

I got another example! Just a couple of days ago, I came home after a grueling day of cockfighting at Worlds of Fun only to find another family in my house. And did you know all of those families have kids with cancer? What are they doing in my house? They should be in a hospital… with their cancer kids… doing cancer things. Damn cancer families.

And everywhere I went, there they were. My house in Detroit? Cancer family. Minneapolis? Cancer family. Denver? That’s right! Cancer family. One time, in San Diego, I picked up a mustached whore and took her into the basement of my house. And guess what? Right when I was slipping her the ol’ greasy cheeseburger, I see one of the cancer kids in the corner staring at me. I guess I didn’t feel like climaxing, Chemo Boy!

What? I… suppose… that is somewhat insensitive of me, President Bozo – I mean, sir. I suppose… such behavior could be grounds for termination. Maybe… sensitivity training could be of help, sir.

I promise to be more sensitive, sir. I promise to care for those families who deal with serious illnesses such as cancer, muscular dystrophy, and AIDS. I will help feed those whose bodies are ridden with cancer, I will bathe those who are crippled with muscular dystrophy, and I will kiss the facial legions of people with AIDS. Because I know you and the entire McDonald’s Corporation deeply care for every member of the human race… except, of course, for working mothers and the homeless.

BLACKOUT "Ray Krock of Bullshit" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

"Ray Krock of Bullshit" debuted January 26, 2001, performed by Paul Rust.

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