By: Pookman

I was watching television tonight, and I saw–what I do believe–is the coolest thing that has ever been broadcasted on the airwaves. I was flipping through the channels, and I came across the Discovery Channel. And the show was called "Hunting Fun." Coming straight out of commercial, there was a man completely decked out in camouflage gear and he said "Blah-blah-blah, blah-blah." Eventually, though, he did form words, and this–and I’m quoting–is what he said: "Hi! Welcome to another episode of Hunting Fun. I’m your host, Bob Juhl. For this episode he have traveled to the murky riverbeds of the Luisiana Bijou in (and I swear to God) Dead Lake County…" All I’m gonna say is, if you’re doing anything in a place called Dead Lake County, then you have given up your right to be surprised if anything bad happens to you. And he continued, "…where we will be hunting some exciting game today: alligators." When I heard that I said, "Did he just say he was gonna hunt alligators?" And the guy on TV said, "That’s right, alligators. And we will be hunting them today with my favorite medium, a composite bow." Some of you I see may be a little confused. As was I. Because the first time your brain hears something that impractical, it really doesn’t register. So I will repeat. They were going hunter for alligators with a bow and arrow. No! When you’re goal is to kill something like an alligator, you should have a much bigger weapon, preferably a truck. You know, it’s at that point when hunting officially becomes a sport. Why? Because when you’re hunting an alligator, there’s a chance you might lose. Also, I’m a little put off by his calling his bow a medium. Mediums-or media-is an art term. They are use to create. Bob’s not a creator; Bob just kills things. I’d probably bring this point up to Bob if I ever saw, but then again I probably wouldn’t because Bob just kills things. And then he said, "We’ll be right back after these messages." And you know, I’m a pacifist. I don’t really enjoy the senseless killing of animals, either, but this is something I had to see.

Unfortuatly, during the break my attention shifted to one of the dumbest commercials I think is on television today. It’s the one for Pepperidge Farms Cookies. They show a guy pouring himself a glass of milk. A big glass of milk. And then he pulls out this honking big cookie–which, let’s be honest, there are no cookies that big in a bag of Pepperidge Farms Cookies–and procedes to try and dunk the cookie into the glass of milk only to find that the cookie is too big in diameter to fit into the glass and absorb the milk. Cut away, and cut back, and there’s this same guy who has now poured himself a pitcher of milk in order to dunk his cookie. At this point, I just wanted to reach into the screen and grab this guy and ring his fucking neck. It’s just a cookie! Break it in half, you dumb fuck. What are you, scared of incurring the wrath of the cookie gods? It’s a cookie! It’s not like it’s a baby. For one, you can tear it apart relatively easy, and for two, you can eat! There are no cookie cops, and there is no cookie Hell. It has no predetermined form for which there are laws that you need to abide by. So, for Christ’s sake, just eat the fucking cookie. If I ever see someone do that in real life, I’m gonna hit ‘em. Then I’m gonna take the cookie and eat it and throw the milk away just to piss ‘em off.

Anyhoo. The show came back on and they’ve located an alligator. Bob, is standing behind a tree, for protection. I, I would’ve have chosen to stand behind large gun. The guy pulls out an arrow and talks about the alligator and different techniques for hunting the alligator. He said, and again I’m quoting, "We can’t use pistols on these creatures because their scales or so naturally thick that bullets often just bounce or ricochet off their hides." Here’s another little piece off advice, never hunt anything that can’t be taken down by bullets. Case in point: vampires, werewolves, oompa-loompas; it’s just not a good idea. He explained to the camera that you have to hit the alligator in a certain spot directly behind the eye because only that will kill them in one shot. And he pulled out what looked like a god-damned harpoon with feathers on the end of it and drew it back on his bow and lined up the shot. And I’m not making this up, he said, "Now, don’t try this at home." Thanks, Bob. You know, if I ever wanted to kill myself, I think I’d be able to think of a much easier way, anyhows. It seemed like it took forever for him to finally fire the arrow. The camera man had a tight shot on the gator, and you could hear the hunter take in a deep breath, and he shot the arrow perfectly. Have you ever had that feeling when you just know it’s good? Like when you shoot a 3-pointer and you know as soon as it leaves your hand it’s going in, or when you’re playing baseball and you know as soon as the ball hits the bat that it’s gone? Yeah, well this was one of those shots. It hit directly, and I mean directly where it was supposed to on the alligator. Then, it bounced off. The camera man was amazed. I heard him say "holy shit!", but it was the Discovery Channel, so "holy [bleep]!" He turned camera towards the to see what the hunter had to say about it, and the hunter was fucking gone. The producers deemed this spot in the show a good time for a commercial.