Weebles: You hit them and then the go down and come right back up. I don’t know about you, but when I hit something I want it to stay down. Why else would you hit it? Sometimes, when I hit it, it goes down, and then I celebrate, and then it comes up and hits my right in the cohones.

The NBA. There are almost NO white guys left in the NBA. None! I was watching the All-Star Game last week and there was one white guy…and he was Yugoslavian! An he was on the bench.

When you’re going at it, and you blow your load all over the wall. But, since I’m guy, right after I blow, I want to go to sleep. So I just leave it till morning. Then, it’s all cement-like and I have to use a paint scraper to remove it.

Cock Piercings: OK, so you have piercings all the way along the length of the shaft of your penis, but it’s only and effective and useful accessory when your little soldier is at attention. What about the other 99% of the time when you don’t have erection? Your dick is flaccid and the all contract and it’s like you have a janitor’s keyring hanging from your dick.

Black Dog: This is a movie that stars Meatloaf, Patrick Swayze, and Randy Travis. What were they thinking? Whoever pitched that movie needs to be shot. Whoever green-lighted it needs to right next to him. Can you imagine trying to sell that steaming load of cinematic crap? "I’ve got a great idea for a movie. It’s about truck drivers. Wait, it gets better. There’s two good truck drivers, and–get this–there played by Patrick Swayze and Randy Travis. No, don’t write me that check yet; the best is yet to come. The villain is played by none other than Meatloaf! Why, by all that is Holy and Good, did they not tell that man "no?"

Chicken fried chicken: That’s insane. It’s fried chicken. Just plain fried chicken. No one ever thought to fry a steak that way. Then one day some asshole was too stupid to realize that he didn’t have chicken around, but he had everything set up already. So, that lazy bastard just fried up a steak. From that point on we had chicken fried steak. OK. Good. But then, some asshole tried to boost his business by calling his fried chicken chicken-fried chicken. But it’s not chicken-fried chicken, it’s fried chicken. Final.

Pop Tarts: You’re hungry in the morning and you want a pop tart. But you don’t want to eat it cold, because they taste better hot. Then you push it down, and you wait forever for it to pop back up. And you see it, and you grab it. But it’s too fucking hot and it burns your finger. Then you have to play hot potato with it for five minutes till it cools down and then you bite into it thinking it’s just the right temperature. But the raspberry filling inside of it is as hot as molten lava and you burn your tongue and mouth. Then for the rest of the day you’re pissed off cause your finger hurts, your lips hurt, your tongue hurts, and–worst of all–you’re still hungry because a pop tart is only part of–but not the entire–complete breakfast. Then, the next day you wake up and you’re hungry, and–because they put crack in the middle of the little bastards–you make two more pop tarts.

Doug: My roommate. He’s here tonight. Stand up, Doug. That motherfucker will screw anything with a heartbeat. Sit down, man. I have never been that picky.

Superman: Not the newer ones, or the Adventures of Lois and Clark. The old black and white ones. Why? OK, so here’s the vilian. He’s got a gun and shoots it at Superman. Blam! Blam! Blam! Here’s Superman. Ping, ping, ping. The bullets bounce off of his chest. Then, the vilian runs out of bullets, and what’s he do? He throws the fucking gun! Why? You just shot the bastard! Thowing the gun is going to have absolutely no effect! But here’s the clincher: Superman ducks!

When you’re taking a piss and you sneeze. It’s like a super squirt! It comes out 10 times faster than it does normally. If you’re lucky and you’re standing at a urinal, then you’re ok; but if ypu’re at home or pissing in a regular toilet, it’s gonna go all over the wall.

Power Rangers: Not only them, but also the Voltron Force, the Beetle Borgs, and the Planeteers. Remember the Planeteers? They would find out who the ecoterrorist was 10 minutes into the show every time. Then they’d each try to use their power. They’d be like, "Fire!" And fire wouldn’t work. Then, they’d be like, "Water!" and "Wind!" and "Earth!" Still, no of those worked. Then, in a last ditch effort they’d use the little Indian kid and he’d say, "Heart!" which isn’t even a real power but they had to add it to get their stupid point across. That little Indian kid was such a crappy character because of that power that the writers of the show had to give him a chimpanzee sidekick. Inevitably, though, they’d always have to call Captain Planet, and Captain Planet would the bad guy’s ass in no time flat. Now, here’s my question of logic: why the hell didn’t you just call Captain Planet in the first place? Why don’t you just always call Captain Planet? You could have saved yourselves and me twenty fucking minutes, asshole!