Revenge Of The Nerds; Or Revenge Of The Nerds Part 2:  Nerds In Paradise

     Oh, I didn't see you there.  MTV said they weren't coming to my crib until next month, so this is a sweet surprise.  My name is Dennis Nedry.  You may remember me from such classics as Jurassic Park and Do The Right Thing.  While not selling dinosaur embryos on the black market or hangin' with Spike and Ossie, I like to amuse myself with my second love, sound effects.  You came into my laboratory just as I was finishing my ultimate masterpiece.  You see before you what look like three ordinary people, but in reality they are much more, and much less...  They aren't true humans in the sense of being flesh and bone and alive and having blood, but they are humanoid robots which have been programmed to say the three funniest sound effects ever.  I'll turn Kareem Abdul-Jabbar on and see what happens.

(Fiddles with Robot 1.  Robot stands up and looks at the crowd straight faced, and lets out a loud "Ole' timey rag!"  Starts to wander around stage repeating this phrase quietly.)

     (Laugh)  See what I have begun?  People will come from miles around to hear this machine utter the third greatest sound ever.  Who can resist the allure of a ninety year old man saying "Ole' timey rag!"  He will entrance them so much that they will give me their children forever!  (Sinister laugh)  My next creation is one that will help me to further get control of the masses.  When this voice is heard, the wooden teeth of Abraham Lincoln will come knocking at my door.  Watch, lube your butts, and get Lincoln's wooden teeth ready!

(Fidgets with Robot 2.  Robot 2 stands up and looks at Robot 1.  Their eyes meet and Robot 2 says "Dada da dadda da!" as loud as possible.  Robot 1 follows with a hearty "Ole' timey rag!"  Both robots wander aimlessly around stage repeating their phrases quietly.)

     I am such a genius.  To think, no one else has hatched a more diabolical plot to get what I want from the world using only the best sound effects ever!  I wanted their children, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar brings them to me with a simple catch phrase.  I want Lincoln's wooden teeth, and Karnov brings them to me in place of his own.  And why?  Only because he used a sound that accompanied every variety show from the late sixties to early seventies.

     My final abomination, however, will blow the nut sacks off the other two.  It was a dream since I was a child, though some would say a fetish, to collect enough smegma to live on for the rest of my life.  What is smegma you ask?  Well, smegma is the cheesy secretion that collects under the prepuce or around the clitoris.  See the word cheese in there?  I like to eat cheese; therefore I will like to eat smegma.  But I have to be careful where I store the smegma.  If I store it in a volcano, it could erupt and send smegma pouring all through the countryside.  The greatest sound of all time can only be spoken by my final robot, but I will form the word with my mouth and hope to not upset the great god of smegma!  (mouths word)  This being will bring me all the smegma I need.

(Fusses with Robot 3.  Robot 3 gets up and waves his hands.  The other robots stop moving and robot 1 speaks, then 2, then 3 makes the sound of the almighty foghorn.)

     Finally, my life's work is complete.  I have done the unthinkable.  Come here my robot darlings and give me some robot love.

(Robots encircle man and hug him.  He begins to get electrocuted.  Finally, he gets free.  The robots go haywire running around stage saying their phrases.  Man looks frightened.)

     That was a shocking experience.  But these things look like they will disassemble anything that gets in their way!  No disassemble!  No disassemble!

(Man runs off stage.  When he is gone, robots stop and look at the audience.)

Robot 1:  Boy, we sure fooled that guy.  He thought we were robots.
Robot 2:  Dada da dadda da!
Robot 3:  (Foghorn)