If It’s Gotta be Clean…

By Mark J. Hansen (358-0894)

(Four folks are sitting, maybe sometimes standing and writing letters. And they really wanna dictate, so they do.)

Cindy: Dear Tide with Bleach, I’m the mother of four very rough and tumble boys. I mean, they are so full of pep and pizzazz it’s practically leaking out their little scabs. And of course, those little red-haired, green-eyed bundles of energy have their favorite pair of jeans they’ve just gotta wear each and every day, and what else have I to do with my life than cater to their red-haired, green-eyed whims? Thank the Roman Catholic Lord our God for Tide with Bleach. Without you, those pesky skid marks and impossible grass stains would haunt my dreams and torment my every waking hour. But your detergent is a miracle worker. It gets the green out each and every time. And what a pleasant surprise: Tide with Bleach was even able to burn the green out of my four active sons’ eyes. Now things are a little less hectic around here. Thank you, Tide with Bleach.

Chet: Dear Tide with Bleach, why are you the second coming of Mussolini? Why must you "wash" away all my stains? I’m perfectly happy with my clothes the way that they are, thank you very much! Do I really need your help? I really don’t think so. Why must my clothes continue to look the same as when I first bought them? I want that change! Age is good! It’s natural. I don’t want the world not to make its mark on my clothes. That’s what the world sees. And I want them to see a man of the world, someone who’s done something! This mud stain is from falling into a fjord in Norway! This chili stain is from Chile! I need my clothes to be an extension of me! Come on, Tide, for Christ’s sake!

Carl: Dear Tide with Bleach, I just… What is wrong? Don’t you, you know, feel? I mean, it’s been two and a half years since I admitted I loved you. This has gotta elicit some response from you. But no. No letter Nothing. Okay. If you don’t feel the same way, and you don’t wanna talk about it, you know, I respect that. But stop pretending nothing happened! I mean, I walk past you in the grocery store every day, and while I get uncomfortable and shoe-shuffly and can’t look you in the logo, you never flinch once, you never change your expression at all! Always this bright red box, always this garishly capitalized TIDE! with a swooshy underline, always the same proud stare. Don’t you have any feelings? My heart feels all dank and crumbly, like a couch underneath its cushions. I mean, I confessed something huge! Listen to me! Somebody! Jesus, I...

Celeste: Dear Tide with Bleach, My stains are terrible. They are the spawn of Satan. They must be cleansed. They must be removed. They must be exorcised. They must go! They must! I hate them. They laugh. They torment me. They’ve hardened to my clothes like awful, awful thoughts. I want them to just dissolve. Just dissipate into water and sediment. I want to go. I want to go with them. I want to dissolve. I want to just dissolve away, and be simple water and sediment. Like a grass stain. Like a green and glorious grass stain. I want to live with the grass stains. I want to be a grass stain. Just so I can go away. Slowly. And beautifully. Not even an essence left. Thank you, Tide with Bleach.

"If It's Gotta be Clean..." debuted February 1, 2002, with the following cast:

Cindy: Aprille Clarke
Chet: Al Angel
Carl: Jason Nebergall
Celeste: Michele Thompson

[Back to Library]