HOW’D YOUR DAY GO, MOUSTACHE?
By Mark Hansen
(Me is standing way up center.)
Me: Drugs is bad. But not as bad as grammar, man. Grammar can really mess with
one’s…wordage. And sometimes, Bianca, even the trees scream Kevin.
Friend: Kevin!
(My Friend the Traveler enters.)
Me: Or maybe it’s My Friend the Traveler! Goodness!
Friend: Me!
(They hug, and take the opportunity to steal each other’s wallets.
Then they catch each other.)
Me & Friend: You!
Me: Tell me about your travels. Who did you meet? Where did you eat? What did
you learn? When did you return?
Friend: You’ve seen Flemish paintings? Well, you wouldn’t believe it, but the
people are just like that. Soft, quiet, and full of boats. It’s a very
different culture, the Flemish culture. It’s a throat culture. You know,
they’ve discovered a way to circumcise a child in utero.
Me: Foreskinating!
(Charlie runs in from the house, screaming his lines as he shoves Me
to the back wall of the stage, then runs off once again.)
Charlie: Hey Me, Hey Me, Hey Me! My Living Baby stands for everything good in
life! My Living Baby stands when women get up from a table to powder their
noses! My Living Baby stands in the place where he lives! My Living Baby
wishes you a Happy Easter! My Living Baby sleeps in a bedroom filled with nude
pin-ups of young girls who are also nude! I’m just thinking off the top of my
head, like John F. Kennedy!
(Me dusts himself off, returns to front and center.)
Me: That’s Charlie. We go way back.
Friend: As was cleverly illustrated by the author.
Me: Very cleverly.
(They stare at each other lustfully, after a moment they break the stare in
embarrassment.)
Me & Friend: Oh! Hey! How’s it goin’? Nice. Etc. Ad libbing…
Me: So, tell me more of your travels, Friend.
Friend: Well, I can’t speak for everyone, I’m not that good a ventriloquist,
but I was in Hungary, and it was awful. The people spit at you, with their
saliva, they ignore you for hours and when they do talk to you it’s in some
foreign language, it’s a terrible, terrible place, never go there, I’m not
going back! Do you hear me! Never! As God as my witness, I’ll never go to
Hungary again!
Me: Hungary only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
Friend: Someday we’ll force them to adopt the Metric System.
Me: Until then.
Friend: Until then.
(They shake hands, giving each other back their wallets. Friend exits.)
Friend: Kevin!
(Me smiles and waves. Charlie walks up to him, tugs on his shirtsleeve.)
Charlie: Wanna see my babies?
Me: (To audience.) Arthur Miller’s gonna be pissed!
(Black it out now.)
"HOW’D YOUR DAY GO, MOUSTACHE?" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"HOW’D YOUR DAY GO, MOUSTACHE?" debuted April 27, 2001, with the following cast:
Me: Mark Hansen
My Friend the Traveler: J.C. Luxton
Charlie: Aaron Galbraith
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