The Misadventures of a Mail-order Monkey

By Mark Hansen

(Man is waiting for Monkey. Monkey enters.)

Man: Hi.

Monkey: Hello.

(Pause.)

Man: Banana?

Monkey: That would be nice.

(Pause.)

Man: I’ll have to remember to pick some up.

Monkey: I will remind you.

Part Two: Getting to Know You

(Man and Monkey are sitting at the table, drinking coffee.)

Man: Where did you come from?

Monkey: Tibet. I have a family there.

(Pause.)

Man: Do you miss them?

Monkey: Yes. We had a pet squirrel. I miss him the most.

(Pause.)

Man: Do you have any pictures?

Monkey: No. I have no opposable thumbs, so I can’t work a camera.

(Pause.)

Man: Do you want some more coffee?

Monkey: That would be nice.

Part Three: Sleeping Arrangements

(Man is sleeping on the table. Monkey is sleeping underneath the table.)

Man: What are you dreaming about?

Monkey: My home. My wife, my children. Their fingers and toes. My pet squirrel. The tree we called our own. The cloudless sky.

(Pause.)

Man: Do you want to go back?

Monkey: No. I like the dreams better.

(Pause.)

Man: Do you want to switch places?

Monkey: Maybe tomorrow night.

Part Four: Earning Your Keep

(Man watches as Monkey sweeps the floor.)

Man: You’re very efficient.

Monkey: What do you mean?

Man: Just that.

(Pause.)

Monkey: Can’t you elaborate?

Man: Probably.

Monkey: Then why don’t you?

(Pause.)

Man: I’m trying to compliment you.

Monkey: Don’t you think you’re being patronizing?

Man: I think I’m being pleasant.

Part Five: How the West was Won

(Man and Monkey are wearing cowboy hats. They face each other, as in a shoot-out.)

Monkey: Go ahead.

Man: I’m not man enough.

Monkey: Sure you are.

Man: Why don’t you?

Monkey: I’m not monkey enough.

Man: I don’t see any other monkeys around.

Monkey: I don’t see any other men around.

Man: Why don’t you go first?

Monkey: Why don’t you?

Part Six: Reconciliation

(Man and Monkey switch cowboy hats. Then they sit down and drink coffee.)

Monkey: This feels hard. Why don’t I sleep here tonight?

Man: What? I sleep here.

Monkey: I’ll sleep here tonight.

Man: Where will I sleep?

Part Seven: The Inevitable

(Monkey is asleep on the table. Man lies awake underneath.)

Man: What are you dreaming about? (Pause.) Do you miss your home? (Pause.) Do you want a banana? (Pause.)

Part Eight: The Disappearance of the Hats

(Man and Monkey face off as in Part Five, without the hats.)

Man: Go ahead.

Monkey: I’m not man enough.

Man: Sure you are.

Monkey: Why don’t you?

Man: I’m not monkey enough.

Monkey: I don’t see any other monkeys around.

Man: I don’t see any other men around.

Monkey: Why don’t you go first?

Man: Why don’t you?

Part Nine: Burning Down the House

Monkey: Let’s burn down the house.

Man: Okay.

(Monkey is handed matches. Lights down. A match is lit. It burns briefly. When it goes out, Monkey speaks.)

Monkey: What’s wrong?

Man: I thought you were kidding.

Monkey: Why did you say okay?

Man: I thought you were kidding.

(Lights up. The table and chairs are gone, or have been moved from their original spot. Pause.)

Monkey: I wasn’t.

Man: I know that now.

Monkey: I can fix it maybe.

Man: You can fix it definitely.

(Monkey stares at the matchbook.)

Part Ten: You Can Never Go Home

Monkey: Maybe.

(Monkey throws down the matchbook and eats a banana. Man sweeps the floor. Fade out.)

"The Misadventures of a Mail-order Monkey" debuted April 6, 2001, with the following cast:

Man: Adam Burton
Monkey: Dan Fairchild
Narrator: Mark Hansen
Stagehands: Arlen Lawson, Jamal River

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