Atrophy Wife

By Mark Hansen

(Beth is on the phone. We catch her mid-thought.)

Beth: …Cuz I was making dinner, slicing carrots and dicing tomatoes and a fingernail fell into the salad…No, but it was unusual, because it wasn’t just a sliver, it was the whole nail. And that’s not all. I didn’t see any cut, you know, any mark where I would’ve sliced my finger. I don’t know- (Lights down, up again. Beth is mid-thought.) —eating a peach, and a peach is soft, really malleable…It means chewy, soft and chewy. The point is it wasn’t hard or anything. Because my tooth fell out. The whole tooth, like to the root. I saw the roots of my teeth, it was…Everyday, you know that…Well, I floss when I think of it. That’s not the point, though. Doesn’t it seem weird? I feel like-(Lights down, up again. New thought.) —the dentists, and I’m sitting in the waiting room. And I usually hate the music they play in waiting rooms, you know, it’s usually light rock or Kenny G, but…right, right. But this time they were playing one of my favorites, um, "Till Death do Us Part," that Madonna song? So, I was trying to sing along, but the song kept cutting out, and coming back in at random parts, jumping around and stuff. After a while, I couldn’t recognize it, so I tried to ignore it. Well, I was there for another fifteen-(Lights, down, up, new thought.) —clumps of hair, massive clumps. The shower looked like a shag rug. Tim said to just wear a hat. Yeah, they don’t have to worry about stuff like that. It was like I was literally falling apart, and he says, "Just wear a hat." I had no eyelashes, they all fell out…I noticed! (Lights down, up, new thought.) —party was so boring…Oh, just lots of artsy pretentious types. Some guy actually came up to me and said, "You know, the stars are the burnt-out small talk of the universe." Like…No, not even, "Hello, my name is," just…yeah. So, when no one was looking, I snuck out. Just to get some air, you know. I swear to God, I look down, and this trail of fingers is following me down the sidewalk. My fingers! I fainted. And… when I hit the ground, the concrete felt strange…Well, it had pores or something. Little holes, and I started seeping into it. I don’t remember seeing anything, but I felt…(Lights down, up. Pause.) I was looking up past these blades of green grass, real dark green, like if blood was green. I think I was in my gravesite, like I was dead and buried…Well, I’m not sure, I couldn’t see a tombstone, but I saw Tim. Yeah. He was dancing. No, by himself. No, it was awful! You know what a terrible dancer Tim is! He has no rhythm even with the aid of music. And I was yelling at him, "Stop! Stop! For the love of God, stop!" And I was yelling so loud that I woke myself up…Yeah, in my sleep. Well, no. He was on his side, he does that so he won’t snore…No, I got up, and went into the living room…No, he was fast asleep…No, not really. I mean, I tried not to think about it…Well, I just sat. What else was I supposed to do?

(Blackout.)

"Atrophy Wife" debuted March 30, 2001, performed by Steph Braun.

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