Franklin and the Sandwich

By Mark J. Hansen

Daniel: This is Franklin. This is the sandwich. This is their story. (Pause.) We’re waiting for the sandwich. Um… a dialogue.

Franklin: So, there’s a foreign kid at my house now. He watches my TV and eats my food.

Daniel: Where did you get a foreign kid from?

Franklin: We’re on a Hate Exchange Program. I neglect a kid from Sweden and a family from Sweden neglects my daughter.

Daniel: I don’t like this dialogue.

Franklin: 98, please.

Daniel: My number is called so I grab the sandwich. (The wrapper falls on the floor.) The paper fell on the floor. This is a big dilemma. Do I bend down and pick it up? What if I dirty my sandwich on the countertop? If I leave the paper on the floor it could be seen as disrespectful. I’m not that. I just don’t know what to do sometimes. More dialogue:

Franklin: Screw it. Let’s eat.

Daniel: Sounds fishy. I don’t eat fish. Fuck you.

Franklin: Such hostility. I’ve seen it in patients of mine and it’s unstable. Kiss me.

Daniel: We kissed for a few minutes. He seemed more interested in my tie after a while so I gave it to him. A door was opened and the paper blew underneath the counter. This, I decided, relinquished me of any responsibility. I ate the sandwich, but prayed anyway. The Prayer:

(Franklin kneels by the table, praying.)

Franklin: O, Lord, if I have offended you, it’s because I felt superior. If you want to be humble, you shouldn’t be so easily offended. I’m not offended by much. I try to live in your image. I got my hair cut like Yours just the other day.

Daniel: The sandwich was cold, but it was supposed to be. I didn’t complain. Franklin gave the tie back. He wore it on a bet. He lost.

Franklin: I could’ve sworn my eyes were the color of your tie.

Daniel: It’s the thought that counts.

Franklin: I don’t think so. The thought never counts. Nothing ever counts.

Daniel: You sound like a fortune cookie, only one that’s not very nice.

Franklin: Eat your sandwich, hippopotacrite.

Daniel: A sip of soda jolted me into self-awareness. The problem with self-awareness is you can’t ignore it. I tired. I read the placemat. I turned it over and drew a cat. It looked like me. I spilled soda. These things are in chronological order.

Franklin: Clean that up.

Daniel: Are you blind? This tie looks nothing like you. It’s not thin enough.

Franklin: I just thought it matched my eyes.

Daniel: Oh. It doesn’t.

Franklin: Stubble Chin called yesterday.

Daniel: What did he call it?

Franklin: Thursday. I tried correcting him, but he was right. This made it difficult.

Daniel: You have mustard on your soul.

Franklin: Oh, thanks.

(Franklin wipes his chest with a napkin. During Daniel’s final speech, he shoves Daniel out of his chair, kicks him twice, spits in his soda, and leaves.)

Daniel: He wiped it off, and dislodged our friendship in the process. He punched me in the face and I cried. He spat in my soda and ran off with my car. I tried to stop him, but I tripped over a wastebasket. As I got up, I studied the glob of mustard. I couldn’t find our friendship in it or anywhere nearby. This made me realize that we had never been friends at all, but just a glob of mustard. This made me smile. I’d never been a glob of mustard before, and as I finished my sandwich I pondered what I could do with my future self.

"Franklin and the Sandwich" debuted March 2, 2001, with the following cast:

Franklin: Dan Fairchild
Daniel: Mark Hansen
The Sandwich: Anthony Michael Hall

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