Agnes Moorhead is Not a Euphemism
By Markus Markus Hansenfilms, Ltd.

(Ed is searching the stage. He stops, addresses the audience.)

My father. His heart is in the right place. But his lungs are where his stomach should be, and his stomach is where his bladder should be, and his bladder is where his foot should be, and his foot, well, that’s the six million dollar question. He has this detachable foot, right, and I swear he never uses the darn thing, but he throws a fit if he doesn’t know where it is. Now my brother and I have misplaced it. We joke that he’s hopping mad, but it’s really not that funny. I’ve never seen him so mad. See, it used to be cute. I used to be cute. My brother… well, he’s still cute, but it’s fading. We used to steal my father’s foot and give it to him for Christmas. One year, it was a paperweight, the next my brother hollowed it out and it was a pencil holder. The year after that I attached a handle to it and it was a coffee mug. You see the progression. And Dad used to love it, he’d say, "How cute, a paperweight," or "what’s this, a pencil holder," or "please stop making Christmas gifts out of my foot." That was the coffee mug year. And I was real upset, you know, because I worked real hard on that, and, and Dad just doesn’t appreciate an open mind. This year my brother and I worked together, and we made it a tie. But the worst thing happened. The dog got hold of it. And you know the second a dog lays its paws on a tie, it immediately thinks it can be a corporate trader. I mean, there are some lines even I don’t cross. Just because I have a tie, doesn’t mean… well, it was a nice tie. Anyway, I’ve been running up and down Wall Street with a milkbone, and so far no luck. None of the corporate traders look like my dog. Well, some, but I know the tie he’s wearing.

"Agnes Moorhead is Not a Euphemism" debuted December 1, 2000, performed by Mark Hansen.

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