Do Not Go Gentle into That Good Burger

By Markus Jerome Hansen

She’s my sister and my daughter! (Applause.) Thank you. We’ll be right back.

(Lights down. Back up.) And we’re back. Now, up till now, you’ve seen how to

improve your house, your children, and the aerodynamics of both. But I’d like

to focus on a more personal issue, if I may. Now, this may come as a shock,

but believe me it’s true. See, while I’m a complete success in business, my

love life is a different story. Don’t be fooled by my boyish charm and my

sexy…ocity, beneath it all is a very insecure man. Or should I say was?

(Turns.) Turns out I should. You know why? Because I have unlocked the secret

to the perfect relationship. Does this sound too good to be true? Cynic. Of

course it isn’t! Not only that, it’s so easy! Let me start from the beginning.

Two years ago, I was at my lowest. I had failed miserably at both of my

attempts at relationships, and I was feeling pretty depressed. My gut instinct

was to crawl into a hole with a tub of fudge and my Seals and Crofts tapes,

and speak to no one. Here’s where the story gets interesting. I know this guy

is saying, "finally!" Right? I’m just teasing. See, most people would say that

was the wrong thing to do; that you should get back on that horse and ride

back into those singles bars. But I say: no. What I did was right, and let me

tell you why. See, while wallowing in my own self-pity, I did what any sane

human would do, read all the self-help books I could get my hands on. It

wasn’t until I read that book by the famous psychologist whose name escapes

me; You are Your Own Best Friend that I hit upon the idea of taking that

friendship a step farther. And this is when I discovered my perfect mate…

myself. Once I realized I was the right one for me, I began to care and

nurture the relationship. And I discovered how much I had in common with

myself. Why, I’ve read all the same books, twice, I both know all the words to

the funniest parts in Animal Crackers, blush at the same Sugarcubes songs, all

of them, and I’m always in the same mood for the same types of food. I know

myself so well; I’ve even begun fi… finishing my own sentences. As you can

see, I’ve grown very attached to myself. And you can have this kind of

happiness, too! It’s no longer a dream! Just send for my book; Self-Love: How

to Hook Yourself Up with Yourself, care of Johnny Handsome, box 683, Tallulah

Bankhead, Michigan, 44444. Now, we’re gonna take another little break, but

when we come back, I’m gonna share some tips from the book on how to spice up

your self-relationship, like sending yourself flowers, and role-reversal. So

stick around. I’m not moving, and neither am I.