Glengarry Glenn Close

By Mark J. Hansen

(Mike is pacing, looking around conspic- and — spanuously. Ike enters.)

Mike: Did anyone see you?

Ike: I don’t think so.

Mike: Good. (Looks around.) Let’s see the negatives.

Ike: The what?

Mike: The negatives. The negatives I sent you to get.

Ike: You didn’t send me to get negatives.

Mike: I didn’t?

Ike: No, you sent me to get ice cream.

Mike: Oh. (Pause.) Well, let’s see the ice cream.

Ike: They were out of ice cream.

Mike: Out of ice cream?

Ike: Yeah, so I got negatives instead.

Mike: What?

Ike: They didn’t have ice cream, so-

Mike: Why negatives? Huh? Why not… why not ginger ale, or, or matching luggage or even Monistat Seven?

Ike: I… I’m sorry, I-

Mike: Whosoever has heard of cake and negatives?

Ike: Whosoever?

Mike: Well, you’ve ruined your mother’s birthday.

Ike: Why do you always have to blame me, Dad? Why?

Mike: Because you’re a lousy kid, that’s why!

Ike: Yeah? You’re not my real father!

Mike: Oh, I’m your real father, all right.

Ike: How come we don’t look alike?

Mike: Because you’re not my real son!

(Pause.)

Ike: Game, set and match, Dad. For cry-yi.

Mike: I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have told you.

Ike: What? Why?

Mike: You weren’t ready.

Ike: Yeah? When am I supposed to be ready? When I’m eighteen?

Mike: You’re twenty-two.

Ike: Don’t change the subject! I’ve been living a lie.

Mike: At least it was only a little white lie.

Ike: You mean I’m not black, either? Jefferson Starship, next you’re gonna tell me I’m not mute, either. When will the deception end, poppala? Why, I remember a happier time, a more peaceful time when we weren’t as jaded, when we had hopes and dreams, and a couch with a fold-out bed. I want those times back, Dad. Why can’t we have them back?

Mike: Grow up, Ike! Be a man! Nostalgia’s for sissies! (Fondly.) My mother used to say that.

Ike: I’m outta here!

Mike: Don’t go!

Ike: Why should I stay?

Mike: You don’t want to spoil the party.

Ike: Too late. I spoil everything.

Mike: That’s not true. You didn’t spoil the egg salad sandwiches, that was the refrigerator’s fault.

Ike: You just keep telling yourself that.

Mike: Ike… we’re her only friends.

Ike: You mean she hasn’t made any new friends? Why did we buy her all that clay, so she can just sit there and put out her cigarettes on it?

Mike: (Irately.) Your mother does not put out her cigarettes!

Ike: (Pause.) Fine. Whatever. I’m leaving. (Starts to go, stops, takes out the negatives.) Here’s your stupid negatives.

(He walks to the wall, stands. Mike looks at the negatives, sees something.)

Mike: Son!

Ike: (Turns.) What did you call me?

Mike: I said… son. These negatives… prove that you are my real son.

Ike: What?

Mike: You heard me. Son.

Ike: That means that… that you’re not my real father!

Mike: Strewth!

Ike: This is the best news ever!

(They embrace.)

Mike: I love you, son.

Ike: I love you, Mike!

(Blackout.)

"Glengarry Glenn Close" debuted October 20, 2000, with the following cast:

Mike: Ryan Greenlaw
Ike: Mark Hansen

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